Depression is…
A medical condition
A chemical imbalance in the brain
A thief
A liar
A life stealer
An energy sucker
Sneaky
Stealthy
A numbing, black void
Mean voices in your head telling you how ugly and stupid and terrible you are.
Depression is NOT….
Sulking
A phase
Laziness
Your friend
Something you can “just get over”
Easy
A bad mood
When you are depressed, sometimes you know it, and others it catches you off guard. There are no guarantees.
When you are depressed, it’s hardest to confront those who don’t understand that it’s a disease, much like diabetes or a thyroid condition; it doesn’t just go away; it requires treatment, and sometimes medication is a component.
My depression has caused me to feel misunderstood. I’ve said before that telling someone with depression to “smile, get over it,” is equivalent to telling an infertile woman who’s trying to conceive to “just relax!” Both of these find fault with the person who’s suffering. It’s a wave of dismissal, an indirect accusation, a guilt trip.
IT IS NO ONE’S FAULT.
I DIDN’T ASK TO BE DEPRESSED. I also didn’t ask to be infertile, but that’s another blog post — or twelve.
Depression makes little things difficult, things most people don’t think twice about:
Taking a shower, sleeping, social interactions… even just getting out of bed can sap me of every last bit of energy.
Depression masquerades as numbness, emptiness, apathy and insecurity.
The sheer magnitude of so many feelings suddenly blurs and can also feel like & resemble the absence of any emotions.
A blank wall, a blank stare.
Companies make bracelets for people with diabetes, severe peanut allergies, asthma, cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. Sometimes I think maybe if we (people living with depression) had a bracelet, some sort of outward marker or sign… that people might tread more carefully.
Instead, a lot of people seem to think depression isn’t real, or that it’s just an excuse. They either say hurtful things; accuse you of wallowing or sulking, etc., or they don’t say anything at all— they disappear because either (a) they’re frightened, or (b) they don’t know what to do or say.
So if you’re a little nervous AND you don’t know what to say, I’ll help you out with a cheat sheet! P.S. It’s OKAY to not know what to say! Just admit that. No one’s going to bite!
DO say:
“You seem a little ____________ (fill in the blank: sad, not like yourself, upset, down, etc.). Would you like to talk?”
“I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you and I’m thinking about you.”
“Is there anything you need or that I can help you with?”
“I love you. Lots of people care about you.”
“What can I do for you?”
“Can I give you a hug?”
“Can I bring you coffee sometime? Or a dinner?”
“Can I watch your kids for an hour while you rest?”
“You are NOT ALONE.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
DON’T say:
“You just need to cheer up!”
“Stop sulking and feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Didn’t you wear that to bed last night?”
“When was the last time you showered?”
“What is wrong with you?”
“There are so many people out there who are worse off. Look how good you have it!”
The most important thing to remember is that (though it feels like it) you are not alone.
*The above image is courtesy of ponderabout.com and a quote from Stephen Fry
Here are some brave souls who understand and help others with depression:
Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
Twitter: @AllieBrosh
Katherine Stone, Postpartum Progress
Twitter: @postpartumprog
Jenny Lawson,The Bloggess
Twitter: @TheBloggess
JD Bailey of Honest Mom:
https://www.facebook.com/HonestMom
Twitter: @JDHonestMom
Kimberly of All Work and No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something: https://www.facebook.com/AllWorkAndNoPlayMakesMommyGoSomethingSomething
http://www.makemommygosomethingsomething.com
Twitter: @MomGoSomething
Cristi Comes
Motherhood Unadorned
https://www.facebook.com/MotherhoodUnadorned
blog = http://www.motherhoodunadorned.com
Twitter: @MotherUnadorned
Erin has had a busy year. An original co-producer of Listen to Your Mother: Kansas City, she also spoke at BlogHer ’13 and Salon LGBTQ; serves on the board of PFLAG-KC and is co-founder of The Gay Dad Project, a labor of love born of the desire to give children of gay parents a place in which they feel less alone.
Day to day, though, Erin is a wife to husband Dan and mama to three girls (twins and a singleton). She carpools, moderates homework time, loses countless hands of Uno (to the twins…not Dan) and sometimes finds time for social media, the overwhelming list of books she’d like to read and the occasional glass of Kendall Jackson chardonnay.
