Today I drove into Manhattan to see my friend Andrea and her husband Craig for brunch. Since I’ve become a mother, my concept of time has gotten a lot better, which means instead of being perpetually late for things (as I was when I was childless) I am now incredibly early for things.
We were supposed to meet up at noon, and I got to the city at 1o:30am. So Ari and I strolled around in search of a playground to kill time at.
I took Ari to an beautiful playground on 10th Avenue in Chelsea. It was so nice, I considered getting married to Wil there. My doula, Cori, paid $15 for a city permit and got married at the Park Slope playground.
Ari was having a lovely time as I pushed him on the swing. He kept saying “again!” And I kept on pushing. Until I had to pee. Yes, one of the many joys of pregnancy struck again.
I found a charming family owned Italian restaurant nearby. They agreed to let me use their facilities. The manager was Israeli and we got to talking about Judaism and Israel. He was excited when he found out Ari’s name and impressed by the Hebrew name I had picked out for upcoming baby girl.
As I was talking to him, I discovered that I really liked the restaurant’s ambiance. I began to fantasize about having my wedding reception there. It was intimate and I liked the fact that it was family owned. I mentioned this to the manager and his face lit up.
“Actually, I happen to be on the phone with the owner right now!” He smiled and handed me the phone.
The owner was really sweet and so easy to talk to. She said she’d just gotten married herself, but couldn’t get used to using the word “husband” and kept calling her husband her boyfriend by mistake. Somehow, we got on the topic of astrology and I asked her what her sign was. She said she was a Capricorn with a Leo rising.
I was having a very pleasant conversation with the owner, and then…all of a sudden…I heard Ari whisper something. “What?” I couldn’t quite hear him. “Cookie.” He said loud and clear. “Oh,” I replied, still on the phone with the owner of the restaurant and trying desperately to continue my first adult conversation in who knows how long. “Cookie?” He repeated with a face full of hope.
“Well, I don’t have a cookie,” I searched around the restaurant for the manager “I’m sorry to bother you, do you have some bread he could have?” “Sure!” The manager replied graciously and immediately handed me a large chunk of baguette. “Thank you so much!” I said attempting to return to my conversation. I handed the bread to Ari while cradling the phone in my ear.
“No! No bread!” He exclaimed “COOKIE!” He insisted.
I tried to ignore it. I tried to continue my conversation. But he just kept shouting that dreaded word. “I’m sorry, my son is freaking out. I think I’d better go.” I told the owner. “No that’s totally understandable!” She said and gave me her cell phone number to call her another time.
Eventually, I had to excuse myself from the restaurant because he was hysterical.
As we walked down the street I attempted to reason with him. “Ari, do you want a cookie?” He just screamed. So I stopped asking questions and looked for a place that would take a debit card and had cookies. All I had was $3.00 in my checking account. I had to be creative.
And then, there it was:
I figured, Dunkin Donuts takes debit cards, and (though they don’t have cookies per say) they do have sweet things.
When I entered D&D, the clerk saw how hysterical Ari was and how desperate I was for relief. She handed Ari this:
If you’re not sure what that it, I’ll clarify this visual for you. Ari is eating a chocolate donut hole attached to a coffee stirrer. Essentially, it’s a donut on a straw.
It took a while to convince him to even try it. When I initially handed it to him, he said. “No no no no no! Cookie!” And I replied “Ari, this is LIKE a cookie.”
After much convincing, he tried it and liked it.
Then I introduced what this new treat was called:
He still insisted that it was called a cookie and wanted to eat another “cookie” off of a straw.
Kids are so complicated.
By the time that that he got his sugar fix, it was 11:45am, and time to leave to meet Andrea and Craig for brunch. Guess what we brought them?
In the past couple of days I’ve received requests from several people, friends and family, to help them with one thing or another. I know why they’re asking me. It’s because I tend to get things done. Yes, I’m neurotic and anal retentive enough that I can effectively research something and help you with your task, whatever that may be.
I want to take a moment to tell all of you who have asked me for help, thank you! Thank you for having so much faith in my ability to get things done.
Now, I’d like to say something else. Please don’t ask me to do anything for the next week. Mint’s wedding is approaching and I am pregnant, overwhelmed and have no brain.
Once again, I’d like to thank everyone for your faith on my capabilities, but I can’t help you right now.
This has been a public service announcement from Sarah Fader.
When I became a mother, my life changed dramatically. My whole focus was on this new baby in front of me. As Ari has gotten older, I’ve found it harder and harder to maintain the friendships I had when I was without child.
I see my friends, but it’s not on a regular basis. It feels very random and scattered. On the weekends I like to spend time with Wil because those are his only days off. My free time to hang out with friends is during the week. But, most people are working during the week and are unavailable to hang out.
Also, if I manage to score a hang out session with a single friend, Ari is there and demands the majority of the attention. It’s difficult to finish a conversation when my child is making random tribal noises.
My friends who have kids also have complicated schedules, some of them are working, some of them are involved in paid classes that they take their kids to, i.e. sing-a-longs, tumbling, dancing on the ceiling. I don’t know, whatever it is they do.
The point is, I end up feeling lonely a lot of the time. I love spending time with Ari, taking him to the playground, drawing and painting, teaching him new things, but I need adult interaction too. I’m having a really hard time figuring out a balance here.
Are there any of you parents out there who feel the same way? How do you balance hanging out with your kids/family with spending time with friends?
I got an email today from Discount School Supply advertising Halloween craft projects. I started to get that itch to buy something, only I don’t have any money to buy anything with. So I called my friend Nora, early childhood teacher and mother to two pre-teen girls. I asked her what art materials would be age appropriate for Ari. It turned out, I didn’t need to buy anything at all.
“Do you have a cardboard box?” She asked “Yes! I do.” I replied, already getting excited. In fact, we had a lot of cardboard boxes because we had our groceries delivered this morning.
“Bring one of the boxes in, and let Ari paint it!” Nora suggested.
I immediately grabbed a box and some paint.
Ari immediately got to work.
The end product was this:
I cannot tell a lie, I joined him. This is not all his work. It was a joint effort and a lot of fun. Plus, I didn’t have to buy anything!
After we completed this project, it occurred to me that a long time ago, I wrote about this very topic here.
Yesterday I subbed for second grade. It was a CTT class, which stands for Collaborative Team Teaching. I had the pleasure of co-teaching another teacher. I was taken aback by how effective she was with the kids. It was quite a large group, 28 of them, and at any given moment there was a child having a difficult time paying attention.
When the kid would “act out” by calling out with out raising their hand, start touching the dry erase board in a distracting way, talking to their friend loudly and other disruptive behaviors, the teacher would calmly and quietly turn to that child and say:
“Joey, take a break.”
Joey would quietly confidently walk from the rug (where the rest of the class was sitting) and sit in a seat at an empty table. Then after a minute or so, Joey would meander back to the rug and have a more successful time focusing.
This whole exchange got me thinking about parenting. As a classroom teacher, you are responsible for the well-being of 28 children.
Their well-being encompasses their physical state- making sure they don’t harm themselves or another child physically, and their emotional state, making sure they maintain a level of emotional balance. If they are angry sad, or frustrated, allow them to let it out without hurting themselves or another kid in the class.
As a parent, you are responsible for the same things, but your energy is only focused on one child, your own. What I learned, while watching this particular teacher in action, is that staying calm and consistent when dealing with children is effective.
I know, from my experience with Ari, that when I hesitate and question what I’m doing, he senses it and acts out even more. On the other hand, when I am consistent and say “clean up your cars and put them in this box.” eventually, after he realizes I am not going to waver or change my mind, he will do what I’m asking of him…most of the time.
Consistency is key.
What techniques do you find effective in parenting or teaching? What do you do when your child acts out?
Ari’s hair grows incredibly fast. When it gets too long, I turn to Wil to cut it. I’m not particularly good at cutting hair, and we can’t afford to pay for a professional hair cut. So when I noticed that my child’s hair was starting to resemble a mullet, I begged Wil to work his magic with the scissors. He kept saying he would do it, and just “never got around to it.”
Finally, I’d had enough. So I went for it myself.
We visited my friend Cordy today, and she graciously allowed me to shear my son in her bathroom.
Here’s how my work turned out:
Yes, it’s uneven, and it totally looks like a mom cut it, which I did.
When I returned home, Wil gasped: “You cut his hair?!” “Yes, because you kept saying you were going to do it, and you never did!” He replied.
He proceeded to whip out his scissors to “fix” my work.
Are you brave enough to cut your kid’s hair or do you take them to have it done elsewhere?
I’ve lived in New York City my entire life, almost 31 years, however (I’m sorry to report) I’m tired of it. The other day, I was getting ready to leave my house and as I opened the front door, there was a homeless man sitting on the steps of my building drinking a beer. Needless to say, it was an awkward situation. I was standing there with Ari in the stroller knowing that I needed to bypass this man to exit my building, but not knowing exactly how to proceed.
To make matters worse, he started talking to me. “You don’t mind if I sit here, do you?” He asked.
Not wanting to get into a confrontation at 9am, I told him I didn’t mind, but I could really use some help getting my stroller into the car. I mean, if he was sitting there anyway he might as well assist me, right?
It wasn’t an ideal situation, but I made the best of it. However, I’d like to live in a place where this scenario would not occur. I’d rather not have to wonder if strangers will be sitting outside my door as I leave for the day.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to move to the suburbs. That seems too inane. If I end up leaving New York, I’d like to move somewhere in the mountains. California, maybe Vermont? I don’t know. Somewhere remote.
There are the advantages of living in New York:
Access to museums and cultural institutions
24 hour bodegas
24 hour pharmacies
24 hour diners
Anything that is 24 hours
Not having to drive everywhere
Ari and Baby Girl being exposed to and raised in an urban environment with all of the above advantages
There are also disadvantages to living in New York:
The crazy people on the street who accost you no matter what you do
The dirtiness and pollution
It is an inherently intense and stressful place to live
The abundance of mean people — not everyone but there are a bunch of them
The lack of natural surroundings- I’m not discounting the parks, but there’s an effort involved to get to them
Of course, Wil feels the opposite of how I feel. He spent the majority of his life in the smallest town that ever existed in Texas, so he loves New York and never wants to leave.
I think I’ve had enough. But, like many New Yorkers, I’m afraid of what will happen if I do leave. What will I miss? What new stores, movie theaters, cultural institutions will arise once I’ve made my exodus somewhere else. What old stores, movie theaters and cultural institutions will close down once I’ve gone?
So, what about all of you? Have you had enough of New York or do you love it so much you’ll never leave? For those of you that don’t live here, are you dying to get out of your small town, or happy where you are? Do tell!
Every year, in October, I get anxious. Because I know that come October 17th, I will be another year older. It’s not the aging that frightens me, it’s the fact that it is my birthday.
Birthdays in my family are a big deal. As a child, they were built up to being on the same level as a national holiday. Therefore, I expected that everybody that was important to me would make the same fuss about my birthday as my family did.
So, last year, when there wasn’t a carnival or blimp flying outside my apartment that said: “HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY SARAH FADER!”
I became very sad. I believe that on my actual 30th birthday last year, Wil was working.
Each year, he insists that he is going to do something “really cool” for my birthday, and then we end up just hanging around the house, not doing anything particularly exciting.
Mint and I went to see “Where The Wild Things Are” with Ari, which was fun but Wil and I didn’t get to do anything, because he was working, and that was disappointing.
This year, I’ve informed him, that I want him to do something for my birthday. Look, I don’t want a pony, a trip to Disney Land or Las Vegas, but I do want to acknowledge that I am celebrating another year of life. And, of course, I want a cake. Chocolate. Is there really any other flavor? Come on.
For his birthday, I took him camping, so I deserve to have something special done for my birthday. I’ve decided. I don’t care if 31 is a random number, I’ve lived another year and that is worth celebrating.
Since Jason Mayo’s children’s book, Do Witches Make Fishes, came out I’ve wanted to read it.
The book is about a boy who rejects his mother’s healthy meals for junk food. His penchant for unhealthy snacks sends him on a mystical journey (involving a witch naturally) and forces him to confront his questionable eating habits.
One of the things that attracted me to this particular book is that the profits from the sale of Do Witches Make Fishes go to the Garden of Dreams charity, a non-profit charity that provides kids in crisis with access to events and activities at Madison Square Garden.
Jason was kind enough to let us pick up a copy of the book at his office today. He will be doing a reading of Do Witches Make Fishes at my school soon, so I wanted to grab it and familiarize myself with the material before the reading.
Ari and I jumped in the car and headed to Manhattan!
Though he appears discontented in this picture, he was merely concerned that I might steal his “Yo Gabba Gabba” library book from him mid-ride.
We arrived in Manhattan and drove around for a long time until we found parking. Truthfully, I was glad we didn’t find parking instantly, because I was hoping to prolong this situation:
He conveniently fell asleep right after we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge.
We arrived at Jason’s office. Jason and I talked about writing, kids, carrot sticks, the fact that his house is filled with Sagittariuses, Scary Mommy and other random things.
Ari and Jason got to know each other too.
Jason sent Ari home with this:
This made Ari very happy.
All of a sudden I realized that Ari’s previous fears about his Yo Gabba Gabba library book in the car were not unfounded. Upon arriving home, it was discovered that I left his Yo Gabba Gabba library book at Jason’s office! But, he didn’t seem to care because…
He found a new book to read!
For more information on Do Witches Make Fishes and the Garden of Dreams charity, click on the cover below!
Sarah Fader is a parenting blogger. In addition to OS/NS Mom, she blogs for The Huffington Post. She was featured on HuffPost Live talking about her viral article 3-Year-Olds are Assholes. Look out for her upcoming book on the topic!
She's been blogging since 2009. She has two beautiful children, Ari, 5 and Samara, 3. She was born and raised in New York City is a graduate of F.H. LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts as well as New York University's Gallatin School of Individualized Study where she studied theater and philosophy.
She has a background in vocational rehabilitation counseling. Sarah was raised reformed Jewish and is still searching for her true Jewish identity. Currently, Sarah writes full time and is a professional transcriber for reality television. She resides in Brooklyn with her kids and two cats.
All photographs © 2010 Craig Runyan
In Home Art Lessons!
Barking Cat Studio Rocks!
Empowering Children Through Exercise & Play
For Hand Selected Age-Appropriate Children's Books, Movies, and Music
Ah Networking...
