The Nothing Train to Nowhere Part 12 – END
I sat in the seat next to the weird elderly man with the dusty hat. I cried and cried. I could stop those tears from coming. Even after he told me to put the past away I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't didn't. It was the book and we were supposed to write it together but he'd left me. Wait. Who is he? There's a he? I didn't know his name. It was starting to come back to me. I knew there was a man. But I couldn't picture his face or who he was. All I knew is that he shattered me into a million pieces kind of like Noah's Ark. Did that even happen? Did Noah's Ark shatter? I don't know. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine his face. This man who had taken everything from me. I couldn't get there. Softly, slowly, easily, I fell asleep. The train was slow and steady on the way to Nowhere. It was a relief to rest my eyes and my soul. I missed him, whoever he was. He was somehow a part of me. I shot awake. The train slowed. We were approaching the station, the destination, Nowhere. I couldn't [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part 11
I stood at the train station waiting. There were so many pigeons to talk to. One of them told me her name was Amelia and she had 11 pigeon children, but they didn't talk to her anymore. They all flew away to different places. And there was nothing I could do to comfort her. She wouldn't listen to my advice. I was so hungry. The pigeons were generous with their food rations. There were bread crumbs they'd been gifted that they shared with me. I was grateful and I accepted their charity. "Excuse me, miss?" A man's voice startled me. "Yes?" "Where is the closest grocery store?" He asked. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. "I don't know. I don't know anything." "Do you know your name?" I couldn't remember my name. I decided it was time to name myself. So I decided upon Julia. It was the only name I could remember. There were so many famous Julias to emulate, as I mentioned to you before; whoever you are. Are you out there reading this? I know you are and you care. You care that I find my identity. I know you do. "Julia." I said blushing. "Thank [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Ten
The path to Nowhere was winding. It lead me down the mountain and into the deep valley below. I was wearing my white Converse, which weren't ideal hiking shoes. But I had to make due with what I had. It was a long way to Nowhere, apparently. I carefully maneuvered my way down the trail. I didn't want to trip and fall. It was a long way down that mountain and if I tripped I wouldn't survive. Slowly, calculated, my movements matched my thought patterns. I didn't know who I was, what my name was, where I was, but I knew where I was going: to Nowhere. After some considerable effort, with sweat dripping down my brow, I reached the bottom of the mountain. I breathed a deep breath in through my nose and released it through my mouth. I made it. I looked up to the top of the enormous overreacting mountain. It peered down at me, cowering over me, haunting me with its gaze. I knew it was time to keep going before it swallowed me whole with its sadness. There was something profoundly sad at the peak of that mountain, but I couldn't quite articulate what that [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Nine
I stopped to catch my breath. I looked up and there I was, at the top of the most beautiful mountain I'd ever seen. I don't think I'd ever been to the mountains in fact. I couldn't be sure, because I wasn't sure of anything. I suddenly couldn't remember any of it. Where was I? I didn't know. I didn't know anything. What was my name? I couldn't...stop...thinking...but I needed to stop. I needed to stop it somehow. There were blank thoughts and words and quotations, and somehow there I was in the midst of a sentence that had no meaning. I felt them coming again, or for the first time, I couldn't be sure. The tears came hard, fast, strong, and I realized that it wasn't raining anymore. I was crying, but the rain was not falling from the clouds. I collapsed to the ground at the base of the peak of this mountain. The valley beneath me, the sky above me and my body stationary in the fetal position. There I was. I could see myself from above. Disassociated, scattered, broken, confused and scared. I cried hard tears and waited for the pain to stop. But it just [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Eight
I woke up feeling contented. I didn't want to move. He was still asleep. We were both naked on the dirt. Waiting for the right moment to move. He was entirely mine and I was entirely his. The minute I moved, the second I unfroze my body, the moment I became disentangled in his embrace...boom! Lightning struck. I moved. That was the causation. He awoke from his slumber. "What happened?" He asked "I don't know." I said startled. The storm has started. I looked to the mountains. They seemed so far. I didn't know where my clothes were. I couldn't find them. Nothing was as it seemed. I rolled over slightly and toward my love. "Hey," I said reaching to stroke his back. "Who are you?" He asked staring through me. His eyes were a stark shade of grey. I didn't recognize this color. I'd seen his eyes change several shades, but not to this one. I felt a chill move through me. Part of this was because it was cold outside. The rain had started to come. I moved my legs closer to me. I needed to get warm and fast. "What?" I asked him. I could feel them start to [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Seven
I wanted to understand what he meant. He pointed to the mountain range confidently, like he knew what our destiny was. He did know. He was ready for me and I was ready for him. He turned to me and looked me deep in my green eyes. "Let me reintroduce myself as a man with a cause." He said. I smiled. He moved closer to me and continued to undress me, slowly, carefully, with his fingers and his love. He removed my shorts and tossed them to the side. I felt his chest press into me as he gently pushed me to soft brown dirt. He was above me and I was beneath him. I looked into his deep blue eyes as they turned to grey. I could feel him inside me, pressing into me. "Do you know how much I want you?" He asked "How much?" I asked. "More than I can express. More than you will ever know. I need you, I crave you, I breathe you." I said. I looked into his eyes and breathed him in. We were one. We were together and nothing and no one could break that. The universe was right. It listened [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Six
The forest was filled with trees and darkness. A cool breeze ran through my body. I felt his tongue in my mouth and his soul run through me. We were one. I was him and he was me. Together we became a part of each other in that forest. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I wanted it to stop and yet it wouldn't. He kept giving himself to me fully and I accepted him through the fear I had inside me. His sandy blonde hair remained in the forefront of my mind. I could smell him, taste him, I knew him, but we had just met. He stopped for a moment and looked me in the eyes. "I just want to look at you." He said. "Can I do that?" He asked. I nodded silently, tears streaming down my face. "Where are we?" I asked. "We are in the forest of truth." He answered "And I am in love with you." I smiled, because I knew that he was telling me the truth. We stood there staring into each other's eyes. His eyes turned from blue to grey to silver to yellow and back to blue [...]
“My Brother is Brock.” – Guest Post – Anonymous
Dear Dan and Carleen, I want you and your family to know that I think I understand what you are going through. I know what drove you to write those letters for your son; you wanted to remind the judge, the jurors, and the world that he's still a person and that he still has a soul. He is not just his crime. I get it. I know, because I have a brother, who's been accused of bad things, and is currently awaiting a hearing, to decide whether or not he is going to trial. Since he hasn't yet been convicted, I am not going to go into the charges or detail out what may have happened. I only know that I can tell you I was in shock when I heard he was in jail. When I went online to see what had happened, I could only find a few sparse articles, already with inaccurate information, his mugshot, and people making comments on how his eyes showed he had no soul. My sensitive baby brother, who loved going to the zoo every week, who loved his older sisters and brother, who from a young age has helped to take [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Five
"University of Your Mind?" I asked the blonde man as we rode down in the eerily silent elevator. My face was still flushed from yelling at James and his stupid ponytail. The blonde blue-eyed man looked at me with a ice cold gaze and said: "What do you think it means?" "I...don't know." I replied slowly. There was something about this man that made me uncomfortable. He looked like he was in his early 20's, but had a boyish face. He looked apathetic and emotionless, yet there was something fascinating about him. I wanted to know more about him. The elevator began to slow and stop. "What's your name?" I asked the stoic blond man. "Love is a hell you cannot bear." He replied. "What?" I said furrowing my brow. "My name is not important." He replied. "Come with me." He insisted. I had no choice but to follow him. The elevators opened and we were in the marble lobby of James' building. "I want to show you something beautiful." He said meeting my eyes with his icy blue gaze. Chills entered my body in my eyes and flowed down into me. He reached out his hand and took mine without [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Four 1/2
It's too late. I can't remember any of it. I thought as I sat silently, solemnly next to the elderly man on the cool train to Nowhere. Six hours and thirty minutes left to get to Nowhere. I closed my eyes and tried to remember being in the woods. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth like James, my mindfulness meditation teacher had taught me. My eyes shot open - I remembered him! James, my meditation teacher. He was the last stop before I walked into those woods. It was a Wednesday evening and I went to see him before...before...I couldn't remember. But it was 6:35 pm. I was five minutes late to our mindfulness class. I'd been working with James for four months. Despite his pleas for me to be punctual to class, I was consistently five-ten minutes late to class. "Louise, you understand that when you come late to class your chakras are already misaligned. It takes me longer to help you get centered." James said visibly annoyed with me. Wait, what did he say? He said "Louise." That's my name. My name isn't Julia; it's Louise. I know my name. "I'm sorry, James. I'm [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Four 1/2
How could I "put the past away?" I wondered. By the time I'd gotten to the dark train station, there wasn't much left of my past. I'd forgotten my "real name." I was Julia now. He took all that from me. He ripped me of my innocence. He stole what was once mine and I forgot my body, my name, my blood type and where I lived. I can't tell you where I'm from because he took all of it from me and I will never get it back. But the old man told me to put the past away. I don't have a drawer for my past. Here I was sitting on this train headed to Nowhere and there was no past file cabinet. Do they make storage containers for the past? I'd like one of those. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone what happened to me that night in the woods. The good thing is that I can't remember where those woods were or if they were even real. They were real in my mind when he took everything I had and made it his. I can't remember his face. If I could only remember his face then I [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Three
I cried so hard that I could see. I wiped the tear festival from my eyes and took a deep breath in. I could feel the coolness of the artificial train air conditioning on my face solidifying my tears against my face. I briefly glanced out the window again only to see that it had become morning. I'd been crying for long that the next day had happened. There was a deep green path outside with no human beings anywhere. No telling where I was or where we were going. Nothing I knew to be true was true. I didn't even have a name. Julia was something I named myself because I'd forgotten everything about myself. I had no purse, no backpack, no ID. So here I was on this train headed to Nowhere. I'd lost myself and I could figure out how to get her back. All I could do is go. It was time for me to find out who I was and I figured that Nowhere was just as good a place as any to do that. Plus there were no scheduled trains coming after the train to Nowhere. "What are you reading?" I asked the elderly [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Two
I closed my eyes and relaxed in the hard plastic red seat. The elderly man next to me was reading a newspaper, or at least I think he was. My eyes were closed and I could hear the rustling of papers. I could only assume that he was shuffling through a newspaper. It was crisp and clean, the way he shuffled his paper. It would be a long time before I got to Nowhere, and I just wanted to sleep. I rearranged my body in several different positions; put my legs against my chest in the seat. It was hard to get comfortable. I was wearing green khaki shorts and a white tee-shirt and the train was severely air conditioned. It made sense, since we were in the middle of the summer, but my legs were cold as ice. I opened my eyes for a moment and shoved my bare legs under my tee-shirt. It was a last ditch attempt to finagle some warmth. Upon opening my eyes I glanced over at the elderly man who was immersed in reading his paper. The story he was reading must be exciting, I thought. I looked down at the top of the [...]
The Nothing Train to Nowhere
I got on the Nothing Train. It had a sign but the sign was blank. It was a blank yellow sign that didn't even flash. Still I got on because it was there. I stepped one sneaker after the other onto the train car. I was wearing my white converse that day. It was a Wednesday and I had nowhere to be so I got on the Nothing Train to headed to Nowhere. I sat down in the first red seat I saw. An elderly man wearing a black fedora was sitting in the seat beside me - it was a green seat. The seats on the Nothing Train were red, green, red, green, red, green. Stop, go, stop go. The Nothing Train closed its doors and prepared to leave the station. I knew deep down inside that this train wasn't going where I needed to go. But I didn't care, because I needed to get out of where I was. The station was dirty and it was dark outside. I knew there was no way I was going to survive if I stayed there any longer. I didn't have any food left and the pigeons were starting to look [...]
Compassion
I thought a lot about the post I wrote the other day. I was in an exasperated state. When you have children you try your best to be a good parent. That was a hard day for me. My daughter was throwing a massive tantrum and I just wanted it to end. I also wanted compassion from the people around me in that moment, which is probably unreasonable since the people in the coffee shop were strangers and don't know me on a personal level. However, the flack that I got for writing that post was harsh. I was told that I had a personality disorder (NPD) and needed therapy. I was informed that my card as a feminist should be removed I was told that someone was there in the store and that I didn't discipline my child at all I was informed that I am a bad parent Is this necessary? I don't feel that my post warranted such harsh criticisms. I wrote that post in the heat of the moment. I wanted to show that there is a cultural problem. We don't try to help one another out. When I see someone struggling with New York geography, [...]