Blog 2017-08-30T17:30:57+00:00

I didn’t realize it, but I was emotionally exhausted

I have a tendency to be a tenacious person. I give and give and go and go until I have no more gas in my brain tank. I am an extremely energetic passionate human being with a lot of feelings. I don't have the ability to regulate that passion at times. It comes out of me, seeping out of my pores. I don't know if there's something "wrong" with me or what's happening, but I do know that I am someone who gives her all to things. I give everything I have to relationships, friendships, causes I believe in and things that I am passionate about. When I love you, I love you. When I believe in your cause I'll fight for it. That's who I am and who I've always been. I'm afraid to stop. Go, go, go, fight the opponent, once I'm in that mode where I want to be heard my voice gets louder and louder. And the more invisible I feel, the more I persist in trying to get the other person to hear me. Feeling invisible or unheard makes so angry and I don't know how to cope with that level of anger, even in therapy. [...]

By | December 14th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I didn’t realize it, but I was emotionally exhausted

Words Cut

Never underestimate the power of words to hurt so deeply that you feel like you could die. I have experienced this first hand. Someone says "I was just angry." And that's why they said something so hurtful to me. I am not convinced that angry words aren't truthful. I think that surge of anger gives people the adrenaline so that they can tell the truth. The truth that they otherwise couldn't come to terms with. Maybe I'm just a judgmental person, but I wish that people could choose their words more carefully before speaking them. When you use words carelessly they injure people sometimes permanently. Today, I have been injured over and over again. I wanted it to stop and yet, it did not stop. I can't control the words of others. I can't make the pain of those words stop or relent. All I can do is nurse my wounds and decide what I am to do with those. It is painful to receive those injuries. It is brutal to believe that I did something to deserve this treatment. I didn't do anything. I was told that I try so hard to control things, but who doesn't? I was [...]

By | December 10th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Words Cut

Lately Being Misunderstood is What Causes My Depression

Recently, I've been dealing with the Oregon school system, who apparently hasn't read the Americans With Disabilities Act. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and ADHD. My son was also diagnosed with ADHD and OCD as well as anxiety. It's incredibly frustrating to watch my son deal with the same mental health issues that I have, but on the other hand, I know what he's going through and I'm available to help him through it. Unfortunately, the school system here doesn't seem to understand my high anxiety levels. When I get anxious I feel impatient. It's hard to wait for a response from people who refuse to answer direct questions in person. I have asked them about the qualifications of their employees to teach children with special needs. They don't answer directly and simply say that each teacher has the same level of training, which is a non-answer. It's extremely easy for these people to paint me as the angry parent because I am angry. I am angry that my son is being told he is lazy and work avoidant. I am upset that his symptoms of ADHD and OCD have not been validated and that he was publicly humiliated [...]

By | December 9th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Lately Being Misunderstood is What Causes My Depression

I Don’t Care if You Don’t Understand My Panic Attacks

I’m having a panic attack and it’s OK if you don’t get it. I used to care whether you got it or not but now I don’t mind either way. This is my panic attack and I own it. I didn’t necessarily buy it from the panic attack dealer but here it is! It was delivered to me without warning and I have to deal with it. I don’t need you to fix it I just need you to understand that I can’t talk to you right now because I can’t breathe. I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic when I say: I literally cannot talk to you. I am focusing on what is around me and practicing mindfulness so that I don’t pass out. I am being triggered by emotional abuse in my past and I need to deal with those issues so that I don’t feel worse later. At this moment I feel like I can't breathe. I have to deal with that before we can continue to talk to each other. At this second, right now, I’m working through that. It’s not your problem or your responsibility to fix me. I am trying my best to work it [...]

By | December 8th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I Don’t Care if You Don’t Understand My Panic Attacks

What shit to buy for people this holiday season from people I like

Hello everyone, Here is a list of people to buy things from for this holiday season: Schizophrenic NYC - Awesome clothing and artwork that promotes mental health awareness and fights against stigma Check out her shop! Here's some info from the creator, my girl, Michelle Hammer: "Schizophrenic.NYC was created, founded, & designed by Michelle Hammer, a SchizophrenicNew Yorker who wants to make a difference in the way the mentally ill homeless are treated in NYC as well as change the way New Yorkers feel about mental illness.  The concept behind the designs is that when the unmedicated person with Schizophrenia looks at a basic regular Rorschach test they see it with a whole different perspective.  By redesigning the test with new colors and patterns, now everyone looks at the test with a whole new perspective. Worse than having Schizophrenia, is being Schizophrenic or have any mental illness and being homeless. There is nothing that upsets us more than seeing mentally ill people living on the streets of NYC. We want this to change now. Together we can make a difference. With every purchase made a portion of our profits get donated to organizations around NYC that support the struggle of the mentally ill homeless.  Together we can make a [...]

By | December 4th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on What shit to buy for people this holiday season from people I like

Should therapy last until you die?

The short answer to this question is: no. I know that people love to see their therapists. It feels good to be understood and validated. I get it, and I want to say this: yes, you're right and you are entitled to those feelings. Listen, after I see my therapist I feel awesome. She hears me, gives me homework, and is, in general, a wonderful human being. Sometimes we disagree on things but we talk about it when we do. It's so important to have an open and honest dialogue with your therapist. You want to be able to be yourself with them. The more you hide from your therapist, the less effective your treatment will be. It's important to make sure that you're an honest person in therapy so that your therapist knows you, otherwise what is the point of going to see them? Even though I believe therapy is great, I believe the best sort of therapy is time-limited. There are different forms of therapy that do last long periods of time, like psychoanalysis. And then there are shorter ones like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It depends on your individual needs. One reason, sadly, that therapy shouldn't last [...]

By | December 2nd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Should therapy last until you die?

When you ask for what you want, you might get it

As a child, teenager and young adult, I found it hard to ask for what I wanted. It was difficult for me to believe that my opinion matters enough to do that. I had wants and feelings but believing that anyone wanted to hear them was a different story. I was afraid that if I asked for what I wanted that the other person wouldn't give it to and/or they would be angry at me. I'm not sure why I thought this, but because I had this core belief I held my wants and needs inside. I swallowed them, literally, and it ended up resulting in me getting an ulcer. I realized that this wasn't a sustainable way to live. If I wanted to be healthy I needed to change how I was communicating with the people in my life. As hard as it was for me, I started (little by little) to express my feelings. It was hard at first because I was afraid. I was fearful that they wouldn't care about how I felt or that they would be upset with me. The hardest part of this process was accepting whatever the reaction the person had. I had [...]

By | December 1st, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on When you ask for what you want, you might get it

When someone makes you feel invisible

When someone makes you feel invisible it is an awful feeling. I know that feeling well. I want them to see me, but as much as i try to make it happen, they simply cannot. I want them to tell me I'm beautiful but they look right through me. It breaks my heart into thousands of pieces and those shards fall to the floor. Still they cannot see me no matter how broken and hurting I am. I am not a tragedy, I am a person, but that doesn't matter to them. You don't have to accept invisiblity as an identity. You don’t have to stay in that realm forever. Today I felt invisible and it was painful. Today I felt like my feelings didn’t matter and it consumed every single cell in my body. I was boiling with frustration and anger, and I was triggered to the core. Those feelings are real but they don’t have to control me forever. Unfortunately it’s the people that are closest to us that can have the power to make us feel like we are unseen. When I feel invisible it’s because I am expressing myself and I don’t feel heard. My voice [...]

By | November 30th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on When someone makes you feel invisible

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m already grown up and I still don’t know what I want to be. When I was a child I wanted to be a writer; that’s all I could think about. I had visions of signing books at bookstores and writing for a living. Little did I know that writing is not a lucrative career. I didn’t care about money when I was a child because I didn’t realize that you need to make money to survive. My parents (being the hippies that they were) encouraged me to pursue what I was passionate about, which was writing. Writing is the only thing that I’ve ever been confident at and sometimes I think that I’m not even that great of a writer. No, I’m not fishing for compliments. But, I was 25 when I finally learned to use a semicolon correctly. Growing up in New York City there were no classes in school to learn how to employ practical life skills like budgeting or finding a job. I wish they had had these things because I still don’t know how to do them. There were counselors within the school [...]

By | November 28th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up

ADHD is real 

ADHD is real ADHD is a real mental health issue. I am not lazy, I am not stupid, I am distracted. I sometimes can’t find my keys or have to ask people where other things are because my brain is going round and round in circles. Here are some common misconceptions about adults with ADHD: We are lazy. We are not lazy we are overwhelmed. There are massive amounts of anxiety associated with ADHD. So your brain cannot focus on one thing for long periods of time and it’s hard to be a person. We are disorganized. Well, that one might be true. I had limited executive functioning skills but I am working on it and I hired an assistant. We all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses. And I know that executive functioning is difficult for me so I decided to take a step and have someone help me. But calling someone disorganized doesn’t actually help them it just makes them feel bad about themselves. People with ADHD are stupid. This is just ridiculous and there have been multiple studies that show that this is not true actually it is quite the contrary many people with ADHD [...]

By | November 28th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on ADHD is real 

I’m finally okay by myself

I never thought I would say this, but I am okay with myself. Of course, I'll never truly be alone because I have two kids. But, I feel confident for the first time in my entire life. I remember asking my uncle if he was confident and he said in all honesty that his confidence fluctuates. I used to feel like that was the case for me, but now that I have a better understanding of who I am, regardless of my anxiety disorder, I feel more confident. Anxiety definitely messes with me and so does OCD, but I finally feel like I can handle it. I can deal with the intrusive thoughts because 1. I am on the right medications and 2. I know myself and I like myself. There will undoubtedly be days when I get frustrated with myself because we all have those days. Some people are more honest about them than others. Truth be told, I have in my life wanted other people to fix me. I've known this for a long time and I've been transparent about it. This is something that I've discussed in a therapeutic setting with partners. I know now that I am [...]

By | November 26th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m finally okay by myself

I’m Psyched to be giving away @EffinBirds SHIT – Sincerely @TheSarahFader

I was complaining about inspirational quotes on Twitter and one of my Twitter buddies said something to the effect of "I hate inspirational quotes, I look at EffinBirds instead." Well, it took me three seconds to look at their account and I was hooked. There are pictures of elegant birds saying "fuck" in various contexts. The birds say shit like "I know what will solve this problem, more fucking meetings."   Now, if this wasn't awesome enough in itself, I learned that the creator of this company is Canadian. If you know me at ALL you know that I love Canadians. Every time I read any of the artwork that Effin' Birds have created, I laugh so fucking hard. I want them to be insanely famous. I reached out to them and explained that I was their biggest fan and probably scared the shit out of Aaron Reynolds. Somehow he's still talking to me though. I asked if I could do a giveaway of their shit on my blog. Aaron (the creator/artist) said yes. So Joe, the customer service guy send me some shit that I liked to show you how awesome it is. Now, you KNOW you want to [...]

By | November 25th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m Psyched to be giving away @EffinBirds SHIT – Sincerely @TheSarahFader

I probably talk about my relationships too much

  I’ve been living on the Internet for around nine years. I probably talk about my relationships too much online. And I don’t mean my online friends I mean my real life relationships with regard to romantic issues. I am not good at being in romantic relationships because they trigger my trust issues with people. I’ve been in couples counseling many times in my life, but not before getting married. And although it does help me it is not the answer to my psychological issues  with regard to partnership. I love to be loved and I feel like that’s a human emotion that we all want. I have talked about self-love on my blog a lot and I believe it’s important to embrace loving yourself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want a partner in life. I want to be in a relationship where I am loved and appreciated for who I am. And I know that that sort of connection is out there. In someways I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me talking about my relationships. I just don’t want to expose the people involved because that isn’t necessarily fair to them. And I have had the people [...]

By | November 24th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I probably talk about my relationships too much

Being Social on Thanksgiving

Being social on any holiday is hard for me. I'm naturally an introvert and holidays make me nervous. Well, many things make me nervous, but holidays are a big trigger for me. This year, my family is visiting me in Portland and we're having a small Thanksgiving, which is the way I prefer to celebrate. When there are 18 people gathered around a table it makes me incredibly nervous. I love eating, and I kind of just want to focus on doing that rather than navigating between multiple people sitting with me at a table. There are so many different personalities to handle at once. I can barely figure out what the food options are and now I have to talk about my life. It's the worst when I haven't actually accomplished anything recently and I have nothing exciting to report. The easiest thing to do is to focus on the other person rather than talk about myself. But even that is exhausting. I have to come up with clever questions to ask them and then because I have ADHD I have to make myself focus on what they're saying. It's not that I'm uninterested, it's that my brain has [...]

By | November 23rd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Being Social on Thanksgiving

When the school system fails children with ADHD

Recently, I've been dealing with the school system in Oregon. I just came from the public school system in New York City, where there is a lot of bureaucracy and red tape. I have been a substitute teacher for the NYC Department of Education for many years. I've worked in inclusion classrooms where some of the kids have IEPs (Individualized Education Plans) and some of them are considered "general education." The kids who have IEPs have different educational needs and therefore need accommodations due to their plans. Currently, my son has an IEP, but he is not receiving the accommodations that he needs. He has focusing issues, just like me, and was just diagnosed with ADHD. It seems the teachers in this state do not understand how to deal with children with mental health concerns. I have explained to the school many times that he has ADHD and he needs certain accommodations to help him focus. But, they keep saying that he is work avoidant. They keep trying to put forth the idea that he is not doing what he's supposed to do on purpose. This is a common misconception about ADHD. I have had people think the same thing about me. [...]

By | November 21st, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on When the school system fails children with ADHD
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