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Blog 2017-08-30T17:30:57+00:00

Close to the Chest and Self Love in Romantic Relationships

I'm an enigma. I seem to be emotionally open, and yet I'm afraid to reveal how I feel at times. This has caused me some problems in romantic relationships. On the surface, it seems to be clear how I feel and yet there's so much more than meets the eye. How do you become truly close with someone when you're holding back? I wouldn't even say I'm intentionally holding back. It's a habit that I've had for as long as I can remember. My brain is a sanctuary and I reveal pieces of information over time. With friends, I am more open. In a romantic relationship, I tend to focus on the other person more than myself. I don't know if that's healthy or not, but it happens. I suppose in long-term relationships there needs to be a balance. You focus on each other and the goal is to serve the other person's emotional needs. Not in a co-dependent way, but in a loving way. In healthy relationships there is reciprocity. I realized that one of my mistakes in romantic relationships is to give "too much" and then become resentful when that wasn't returned or reciprocated. Maybe that's my fault. [...]

By | August 29th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Close to the Chest and Self Love in Romantic Relationships

Learning to go with the flow

When I was a kid, I used to hear this expression all the time: go with the flow. I was an imaginative child, so I had several different variations of visuals pop into my head when I heard this. One was my period, I know I was weird. Another one was a gushing waterfall, and yet another was some mellow dude listening to reggae music and dancing slowly. As I got older I realized that none of these things are what people mean when they said: "Just go with the flow." What they were trying to tell me was "stop thinking so much and just live your life." Well shit, if it was that easy to stop thinking I THINK I would have done that by now. But seriously, I know that going with the flow is a good thing. There is the whole mindfulness movement that encourages people to be here in this moment. Focus on your breathing and don't try to change what's happening in this moment. Yeah, I dig that. I would like to worry less and enjoy life more. I mean, who wouldn't like that? Sometimes we (as human beings) get stuck in our heads. We [...]

By | August 18th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Learning to go with the flow

When I hide

I hide when I am tired, shutting down, needing a break. It's not that I don't care about you. It's not that I'm selfish, it's not that I don't want to be your friend. I just can't help anyone right now. I'm trying to help myself and even that is challenging. I know that hiding in my cave is temporary, and I understand that it may frustrate you, but (as the cliche expression goes) it's not you, it's me. I am trying so hard to stay afloat, live life, be "normal" and go through the motions, but those "motions" are exhausting and sometimes I need a little bit of help. I'm realizing that it's okay to ask for help. It's not like it's a new concept. But I have had challenges in the past where I overwhelm people with the help that I ask for. I realize that it's about balance. I recognize that my friends and family have their own lives to attend to. And if they can't get back to me right away it isn't about me, it's about the fact that they are busy. Busy isn't a code word for "I don't care about you." And actually, [...]

By | August 16th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on When I hide

You gotta talk to someone

UGH, I hate talking about my problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I seem like an open book, but we all have secrets. We all have things that we'd rather not talk about. So I got to therapy and vomit out what I'm aware of and not too scared to admit. That's not impressive or that helpful though. If you're going therapy, or in this case, if I am going to therapy, my money would be best spent if I actually went to the deep dark scary parts of myself. If I could confront these parts then maybe I'd begin to heal in a way that I don't know about. What I mean is that I don't know the nature of the healing. It could be a surprise how it pans out. That's the thing though, I've not a big risk taker. I know that also might be a shock to you, but with emotional shit, I am not one for taking risks. There are other places where I do take risks. I have a goal, I set my eyes on it, someone tells me "you can't do that," and then I have the drive within me to prove them [...]

By | August 11th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on You gotta talk to someone

Slowly

Little by little I am getting better. I'm not sure what I'm getting better at or from. I just know that I am getting better. That's cool, right? I mean, it's better than getting worse. How many times can I say the word "better?" I think it's five so far. Maybe I should have titled this post "better." Eh, that's okay, I'm going someplace with this. I think where I'm going is that I am going somewhere. For a while, I assumed that I was standing still. It's not possible to stand still or pause time. Life keeps going and going. I sometimes wish that I wasn't such an analytical person, but we are born into this world with a certain type of brain and if I wasn't so analytical than I wouldn't be a writer. I'm so hungry right now. No, literally, I am hungry and I need to make dinner. I'm not existentially hungry or metaphorically hungry, I'm legit hungry as in I need to eat. So why am I continuing to write this? I guess because there are still things to say/write. My mind hasn't calmed down and it has some more words to impart to you. [...]

By | August 9th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Slowly

The Depression Diet

I have been on a diet lately. It's an impromptu diet as in I didn't plan for it. I don't have a great appetite right now and I find that I am forcing myself to eat. I'm accepting that this is the way things are right now. It comes along with depression for me. Some people over eat and others under-eat. Oh well, fuck it, that's what's up with my mind and body. I've 10 lbs unintentionally and even though I needed to lose a weight, I'm not particularly happy about this. But the worst part of this is that people find the need to tell me how awesome it is that I've lost weight. Here's the problem with doing that: I don't like when they comment about how many lbs I'm displaying. I didn't intend to lose this weight in the way that I did and when they say I lost weight it reminds me of the fact that I'm feeling like shit. Damn BUT WHAT IF THEY MEANT IT IN A NICE WAY? Well sure, it isn't like they wanted to be insensitive and probably they were thinking it was a compliment. But when someone tells me I lost [...]

By | August 2nd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on The Depression Diet

Believing and NOT giving up

It's been hard not to give up lately. I have a shirt that says Don't Give Up. When I am sad (or depressed) It 's hard not to give up. But I know that I have no other option. I have to keep going. One thing that helps me to persevere is being thankful. That is hard when I am feeling low, but I know that ultimately it will help me. Here is a gratitude list to help me remember not to give up: I have supportive friends and family I am healthy I have two healthy beautiful smart kids I have great pets (cats and a dog) I'm a successful writer I am funny I help people I created a community to help people with mental illness - Stigma Fighters I'm tenacious I am a good mom I make things happen in seemingly impossible situations I'm a good speaker I motivate people I make friends easily I forget the good things when I am low and it's so easy to do that. Making lists of the things I am grateful helps me to feel better, even if it's just a momentary thing. I'll take that moment of peace rather than [...]

By | July 31st, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Believing and NOT giving up

Thoughts Roll In

Lost in thought, wondering how I can find the road back to where I am supposed to go. There's no supposed to. We enter this world with no instructions and we live according to our brains or our hearts. I admire people who listen to their brain over their heart. I lead with emotions, which gets me into trouble. I'm trying to balance though two things better. Sometimes (often actually) I don't know what to do about a particular thing and so I turn to my heart and it has a tendency to lead me astray. This happens when my ears are closed. If I could just listen better and not believe what I want to believe. Listen to what people tell me. It's hard to hear things that hurt sometimes. Unfortunately, you're not going to like everything you hear. I'm not going to like everything I hear. It's difficult to proceed when you feel like your feelings aren't heard, and this happens to me often. I'm sure it isn't personal and that other people don't feel heard. I work hard to hear others and I sincerely hope that they reciprocate and listen to my voice. Sometimes (like now for instance) [...]

By | July 28th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Thoughts Roll In

Do you ever not know how you feel?

Do you ever not know how you feel? I have that weird feeling sometimes and it sincerely bothers me. I think it's because I am so used to emoting that it irritates me when I can't figure out how I'm feeling. When I can't determine what I'm feeling and why I'm stumped. That's the thing about feelings is that you can't break them down on a logical level. They are free flowing globs of slime and they do what they are going to. Maybe it's not fair to call feelings slime. When I think of slime I am reminded of "You Can't Do That on Television." And if you think about that show, you'll remember that the slime was preceded by when someone said: "I don't know." So maybe my analogy about feelings sort of works. If you don't know what you're feeling you're covered in slime. I'm a fucking genius. It's like you don't know what you feel and you're rewarded by slime. That's sort of awesome. But feelings aren't slime; they are created by your mind. Everyone's mind is different and I know this because a neurologist confirmed this when I got a brain MRI once. After the [...]

By | July 23rd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Do you ever not know how you feel?

If depression could speak

If depression could speak it would say hurtful things. It would tear you down with words. When you tried to interrupt depression it wouldn't let you because it would overpower the conversation. Depression would talk to you until it realized what your Achilles' heel was. Depression's voice would be low and intimidating. If you took stock in what depression said you could come up with depression quotes. That's the thing about depression; it has a sense of grandiosity. It believes that its better than you, but it's totally not. It overcompensates for its insecurities by standing up taller than you. It talks down to you, making you believe that you are a terrible person. Depression tells you lies about yourself and wants you to believe those lies at face value. Look in the mirror and ask yourself "is depression right? Do these statements have any truth to them?" They don't, and they probably make you feel angry. It's all right to be angry with depression because depression is a thoughtless insensitive entity that pretends to know you. It pokes at your soft vulnerable underbelly and makes you question what is real and true. When you find yourself in the fetal [...]

By | July 22nd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on If depression could speak

I want to give my feelings to the feelings store

I have too many feelings. I want to give them to the feelings store. Do you know if the feelings store takes donations? I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm frustrated, and a whole bunch of other shit that I can't remember. That's the thing, I can't actually remember a lot of things including how I'm actually feeling. I do know that I have a lot of feelings that I don't want and I'm searching for a feelings store that I can donate them to. I'm sure there are people who have few feelings due to a feelings deficiency and they could use some extra ones. There are some of us that have a plethora of feelings, and we can donate them to those individuals. It's important to charitably give things to others in need. Think of the people who want some extra emotions. Perhaps they have repressed their own feelings and they're looking to feel things on a deeper level. Unfortunately, there isn't a feelings store. I know right? I've been walking down the street trying to find out, and every time I ask anyone they tell me they've never heard of one or worse, they laugh. Dude, it's [...]

By | July 20th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , |Comments Off on I want to give my feelings to the feelings store

Depression is a Dick

Penises are great. They do great things. However, there is a colloquial expression where you refer to people who you don't like as "dicks." I'm here to tell you that depression is fucking dick. Depression is a dickhead or a dick, depending on how you feel in a given moment. When I call depression a dick, what I'm saying is that I don't like the way that I feel when I'm depressed. Depression doesn't care that it's hurting you, it doesn't mind that it's leaving you feeling powerless laying in bed crying angrily, frustrated that you can't fix yourself; upset that your problems are out of your control. Being afraid to call your therapist because you don't want to "bother anyone." You don't want to speak to your friends because you feel that they "won't get it" or they'll "judge you." I feel all of those things right now. I don't want to tell my friends what going on because I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of telling people that I'm down and them feeling like they need to "fix it." Depression isn't "fixable." It's something that you have to ride out, that I need to ride it out. I'm [...]

By | July 19th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Depression is a Dick

I Hear Me

He can't hear me but I have a voice and it is powerful, brave and strong and I stopped using it. It's still in there though. I am beautiful, I am brave, I am tenacious, and I know what I want. Sometimes I speak into my own microphone and talk to myself. I tell myself how I can make it. I remind myself how much I have endured and why this is an opportunity to grow and change. Some people insist that human beings don't change. I have learned, I have grown and I will continue to make great strides toward being the best version of me. I see you standing there and I don't have the obligation to heal you. I do want to heal me. That's what I want. It is necessary that I look inside myself and find the hardest strongest piece of me and hang onto it. Both hands tightly wrapped around this crystallized part of me. My eyes closed, praying, locked in meditation. Waiting for the moment when it is safe to open them. I can do this. I can feel those feelings that used to haunt me, terrify me, and now they don't scare [...]

By | July 14th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I Hear Me

I am Free

There was a time when I was imprisoned by myself. I could feel my hands on the bars and my heart stuck between them; I was not free. My heart was tangled in ropes. I couldn't stand up I was doubled over in pain. Stuck to my prison cell I did not know if I would ever get out. The length of my criminal sentence was unclear.  I put myself in this prison and I didn't allow myself an accurate time of how long I would be in this dirty dank cell. Part of me wanted to leave and part of me didn't know if it was possible to. My body and my mind hurt. I remember how the sun looked and almost how it tasted. I longed to chase the sun's rays and feel the warmth on my back. After some time I grew tired of sitting in the cell and I knew it was time to leave. But I didn't know how or when or why or who would get me out of there.I grew frustrated with sitting there not knowing when I would go. Wanting, yearning, needing to be with another. And then… It dawned on me [...]

By | June 24th, 2017|Categories: Anxiety|Comments Off on I am Free

Talking or Not

I feel the urge bubbling up inside my belly. I want to talk about all the things that are on my mind, but I don't want those things to overpower me. I don't want to become the things that are bothering me. They are like tiny little demons who want to consume my mind. If they materialize and make it from my stomach through my esophagus and out of my mouth, what will I say? I don't want to offend anyone, and I'm so good at that. It should be a special skill on a resume at this point. I know that I need to talk to someone and I'm crashing down out of this hot air balloon waiting for it to explode with words in my face. I'll have to catch those words or else they might find another candidate to bother and thrust my words upon. It's difficult to see outside of yourself. It's challenging to find how this will change me, what do I do if I talk? Who is listening to me besides BetterHelp ? Maybe a lot of people are. But it's not something I can quantify. I can only attest to the fact that I have [...]

By | June 20th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Talking or Not
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