It’s not easy to break up with someone. The words “breakup” sound harsh. Whenever I’ve gone through a breakup, it felt like I was falling apart. Breakups are brutal; you’re losing a piece of your life. I had a dream last night where I shared a heart with a man. I felt connected with this mystery guy, but he was pulling away from me. Out of nowhere, a therapist beamed down from somewhere in the universe. Whether it was another planet or therapist-land, I don’t know, but he insisted that I needed to keep my heart safe. My heart was raw and cracked. I ran my fingers over it, and it was prickly to the touch, and that’s how breaking up feels. It hurts, it’s brutal, and that pain is some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt. With every breakup, I felt like I would never get over that person. They would haunt me for the rest of my life. But that’s not true. Eventually, I would heal.
Breakups are painful
During past breakups, I wished that I could press the fast forward button. I prayed for a way to push through the pain, and get better. I wondered if I would ever “be myself” again. It’s challenging to sit in that deep aching hurt for long periods. It’s unrelenting. My heart is in a vice, and it doesn’t have a way to escape. Heartbreak is real. And it hurts, just like when you break a bone. I’ve felt like I had to justify the pain of a breakup, but why should I? It’s painful. It’s a loss, and when you lose someone important to you, of course, you’d be sad. I was every time.
When it’s pain of separation and divorce, that’s a more profound hurt. I remember when the early days of separation. I didn’t have a counselor to help me through the process. I didn’t know who I was, and I couldn’t figure out where I was going. Those times were confusing. I was worried that I wouldn’t find my way out of that confusion. I did, eventually, figure out that there was life beyond separation. And I am still exploring my new identity. I feel like I’m a new version of me, and it’s confusing, exciting, and scary all at once.
I don’t regret sharing my heart with anyone. It’s what I do; naturally, I love hard, and with that comes the risk of heartbreak. I read somewhere that you can feel physical pain during a breakup. Your heart hurts. And I get that on a visceral level. I don’t like pain of any kind, and I wish it weren’t a thing. Pain is part of living life. Pain is a message that something needs to change in your body, mind or consciousness. That’s how I learned to think about it. I remember, when I’m in pain that there’s an outside force telling me that I need to change something.
Change isn’t something I like, but it’s inevitable. It’s something that causes me anxiety, but it brings hope. It’s challenging to be in between two phases in life. Identity isn’t something fixed, as I used to believe it was. It’s ever-changing, flowing, and we develop into different versions of ourselves over time. Breaking out of the cocoon can be painful, but I’m curious to see who I’ll become when I’m the next version of me. People impact me, when they enter my life, and when they leave it. It hurts to type that sentence. It’s true though. How about you? Are you different after a breakup?