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My son and I both have OCD and the other day our OCDs had a competition. They wanted to see who would be the stronger OCD. It ended up being a tie. We have similar personalities and are both quite introverted and anxious. It was 2 am, and I accidentally knocked over my almost 10 year old's Lego structure that he worked tirelessly to build. He has insomnia sometimes, which is why he happened to be awake at this insane hour. Don't worry, we're working on it and it wasn't on a school night thank goodness. There were some army figures on each side of the lego structure one side was the Germans and the other side was the U.S. troops. They were fighting against one another and he was determined to create an accurate scene. He has recently become fascinated with World War II and has been asking me many questions. I told him that his great-grandfather served in the army. I have to find the pictures to show him. So anyway, I knocked this structure over and he screamed and cried. He was so upset that his hard work was destroyed and he needed to fix it immediately. It [...]

Self-sabotaging it is an addictive behavior. It’s not like you don’t want to be happy. However, happiness can be scary if you've experienced it infrequently and it’s hard to accept that things are going well. If you're not used to your life going smoothly and you are more accustomed to chaos, things going according to plan can be jarring and terrifying. It's important to remember that life doesn't always have to be difficult. We go through challenging times, but it doesn't need to always be so rocky. There are periods of life that can be pleasant and even joyful. When you get a new job or get married or have a baby, these are happy occasions that we can cherish. It is tempting to sabotage a relationship, for example, if you are used to being in dysfunctional relationships and you've entered into a healthy one that brings you love and contentment. That doesn't mean it's a healthy choice for your life, just because it's a familiar one. When things going well and you're used to a life filled with pain and struggles, this is an aberration from the norm it can be frightening. If you are used to things going poorly [...]

I need you to approve my life choices and tell me that I'm making the right decision. Can you please tell me that this is correct and will make everything better? I don't know what I am doing and I need your reassurance so that I can make a decision. If you don't tell me what to do, I can't do anything. It's true! I'm waiting for your feedback. I want you to be the one to show me which road to take. There's 78 of them and they all look confusing. Relationships are confusing, whether they are labeled or not. It's okay "not to know," and to take things as they come, I know this, but I don't have anything in my brain that allows me to make choices. I'm not good at it and I don't know how to get that skillset. I've learned many skills but making choices has escaped me, like when you open the door and your dog runs outside without your consent. So can you make this decision for me, please? I know you're good at decisions and I'm sure this one will be easy for you. I'm telling you, I see a talent [...]

We are all judgmental in some way and if somebody says that they do not judge others, they are not being honest with themselves. When you meet a person for the first time,  you have an impression of them, whether it’s negative or positive. It's understandable that you might pass judgment on them because that is a reality of the human experience. If you were not judging people you wouldn’t be human. That’s not bad and there isn’t anything "wrong" with you; as human beings, we judge others and it can be harsh. That’s based on our past experiences and our insecurities. If you feel like you hate somebody it isn’t evil or wrong; it is because you’re having a visceral reaction to them. You are not evil or wrong, you are trying to assess their character and decide who they are as a person. Remember those first impressions aren't always an accurate impression of who someone actually is or how you'll get along with them. My son gave me a great piece of advice: "give everyone a chance." I try not to put too much credence into my first impressions of people. Sometimes those impressions are not accurate and [...]

I’m not sure whether I have to grieve the loss of New York or not. I have been in Portland for four months and it still feels weird. I don’t feel like it’s my home necessarily because I lived in New York for 37 years in both Manhattan and Brooklyn. The Pacific Northwest is new to me and I'm still figuring a lot of it out. In some ways, I am grieving the loss of my hometown because I don’t know when I’ll be back there again. I remember when I first moved to Portland, I was crying on the phone to my mom and I said: "I feel like I’m in prison."  I didn’t feel like I was able to leave this place and I was trapped. I chose to move here and I had to deal with the consequences of leaving New York. I should have been excited, it was an adventure that I was wanting to take for so long. Now that I finally got to the west coast, I didn’t feel the same enthusiasm that I once imagined I would feel once I made my exodus west. Portland was this utopia that I imagined and everybody [...]

I've worked so hard to get rid of her but she's still in there. When I'm fighting so hard, thinking that I'm strong, that I don't have the opportunity to break down, she screams and claws her way out of my chest and makes it known that she's hurting so bad that living is nearly impossible. She thinks that being sad and angry is sort of "cool." But it's not because it's actually cool, it's because it's the only way she knows how to be. Her life is suddenly tragic, but there is comedy going on all around her. She is continually in an existential crisis mode. People probably think she is an elitist snob, but she's actually stuck in her own head and can't get out to speak to you. She wrote a lot of poetry, most of it was overly emotional and stream of consciousness. She just wanted someone to save her, a boy, someone who cared. But she didn't realize that it was only her that could save herself. It seemed impossible to climb out of the darkness that she chose to consume herself with. All she knew was the life of being depressed. She didn't know [...]

As an introvert, I like to be alone, but there are times when this alone time doesn't feel great. This happens when I have been alone for an excessive period of time. There are people who intrinsically enjoy being by themselves because it's who they are. There is a significant part of me that enjoys being by myself. It's something that gives me joy. As a kid, I would sit on my bed thinking and that was actually a hobby. I feel the same way to an extent as an adult and particularly as a mom. I don't have the opportunity to think often. But, one thing happens when I start thinking is that thinking turns into worrying and that's when it becomes a less enjoyable thing to be alone. I don't like that feeling at all. Anxiety is the opposite of fun and it makes alone time unpleasant. When I start going into a worrying or overthinking mode, I need to get out of my head, out of the house (in fact) and start seeing people. I do like being around people a lot sometimes. But when I am around them for a social event, for example, I need [...]

My "sense of self" changes frequently. There are some days where I feel like I’m on top of the world. And there other days when I don’t feel so great about me. Today I felt like a failure. And there is no logical reason for it. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right and there was nothing that could salvage that life experience for me. I think we all have those days, and they are called "the human experience" but they are still not pleasant. As women, we can be critical of ourselves to the point where we destroy our bodies through eating disorders or other harmful measures that we do ourselves. Those are physical manifestations of how we are unkind to ourselves. But I realize that the language we use when talking to ourselves important. If you’re telling yourself that you’re a loser you’re going to feel like a loser. If you’re telling yourself that you can’t do anything then you probably can’t do anything. If you’re telling yourself that you’re lazy you’re going to feel like you were actually lazy. I just think that our sense of self is not something that is fixed and can fluidly [...]

I've wondered about "neediness." Is it "needy" to want people to support you when you're having an extremely trying time in your life and you already suffer from mental illness? I don't believe that it is. I already manage my OCD with reward-based exposure therapy, so I am working on being a healthy independent person. But, in addition to being independent, I tell other people when I need support and that's what I'm doing right now. Life has thrown me some serious curve balls and hit me right in the nose multiple times. Good analogy right? I obviously don't play baseball. I'm hurting and it's not because of me, it's because I am fighting for one of the small members of my family and my son needs me to do that for him. I am his person, I have armor, a sword, a shield and an arsenal of tools that I'm ready to go to war with for him. But just because I'm strong doesn't mean I'm not vulnerable and hurting. Just because I'm doing things doesn't mean I don't want to be taken care of and trust me, I do. I want someone to make me soup, I want someone to [...]

As a new mother, you don't sleep much. You've got an infant who is always crying because they need something and it's understandable for you to be exhausted. Having a baby is hard work and you're up every couple of hours feeding, changing or soothing this little baby. There's a myth out there that once your baby gets older, you start to sleep more. People need to stop saying this because it's a lie. You do not get more sleep as your child gets older. That's just not true at all. My kids are six and nine right now and it's almost 2 am and look at me! I'm still awake trying to get this blog post done. I'm writing because this is the only "free" time I have. I have to stay up until forever o'clock to get alone time to do my thing. But, in reality, my life is so packed with stuff, that I can barely get an opportunity to pee or eat. Today, I had yogurt, granola and cookie dough for dinner; not all together, the cookie dough was for dessert. I'm not a barbarian, okay? I save the cookie dough for later. Anyway, I am trying [...]