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I've been living with depression on and off since I was 13 years old. It's a black hole that I haven't been able to climb out of on my own when it reaches the clinical level. Everyone gets depressed sometimes, and a lot of people can get through it to the other side on their own with the help of family and friends and time. But when a person experiences CLINICAL depression that's a different animal altogether. That's what I think is hard for some people to understand. There is NO "snapping out of" clinical depression. That's when talk therapy and medication may be needed - and ARE needed for me. When I'm clinically depressed nothing gives me joy. I cry A LOT. It's hard to do normal everyday things like the dishes, or laundry, or even read to my kids. My pattern of depression before children was a tiredness so profound it was hard to get out of bed. Since I had kids my depression manifests itself in the opposite way - insomnia. I'm trying SO hard to keep going to take care of my family that my body can't relax. I experience anxiety so bad, afraid that I'll [...]

I Hate the Color Red “So, when exactly should one begin to feel comfortable at a new job, I always feel nervous?” I asked my boyfriend, now husband, at the age of 18. Hmmm, you should already feel fine, it’s been 6 month,” he said. This was the first time I knew something was wrong and began to investigate my symptoms. The result: social anxiety and panic disorder. I was naturally quiet, so first attributed my anxiety to shyness and transitioning into adulthood. I had just landed my first real job, as an Administrative Assistant at the former World Trade Center and felt the pressure to perform, and did well, receiving regular praise. The years passed and I could not shake off the daily anxiety of that initial interaction (and extras that annoyingly tagged along heart racing, sweating, blushing, constantly being on fight or flight mode). Sometimes all was well. Other times Dejavu, it was as if I was meeting my colleagues for the first time all over again. As an Office Assistant, I had an open cubicle and could hear those approaching, by listening to their footsteps and voices. The wait for them to reach my workspace was like [...]

Eleven days before I turned 20, I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar II disorder. About four months later, I was also diagnosed with anxiety and mild panic. Those aren't exactly easy diagnoses to handle. It's not like being told you've got strep and this medication will make it better. Finding the right medication is a mess of trial and error. And for me that trial and error process wound up just not working, so I don't take any medications for these things. I have something I can take for my panic attacks, but that's it. Being unmedicated for these things isn't easy, but I would rather deal with them this way than constantly be switching from one drug to another and paying for multiple doctor visits just so I can find the right cocktail of medicines that work. I can look back at the years before I was diagnosed and see the symptoms of these illnesses and wish that I had spoken up about it sooner. At one point, I dealt with the emotional pain of the depression by physically harming myself – I would cut. That went on for years. However, I haven’t done it in sixteen and [...]

Before I went public about the fact that I live with Bipolar Disorder type 1 last year, not many people in my life knew that I had been diagnosed with a mental illness at the age of 27. It wasn’t something that came up in casual conversation. But ever since opening up about how this mental health condition turned my world upside down, I’ve heard these eight words a lot: “I never expected it would happen to you.” They must think this will make me feel better. In reality, my heart sinks. The thing is, they need to understand that mental illness can happen to anyone. Sure, certain people may be predisposed to a mental health disorder if it runs in their family, but the fact is, the majority of the time it comes out of nowhere and without much warning. I was taking names and cashing checks at my job with a creative staffing agency. The top grossing recruiter in the office, I was always up for the challenge of a tough-to-fill position. I worked my tail off, and the money followed. Life was really good. My husband and I had been married for just over two years when [...]

Well, where on Earth do I even begin? If I was to look back on my life, it seems like one of those worst-case scenarios you'd hear about in a psychology class. While I might be 27 years old, it feels like I've already lived an entire life. Life has been chaos from day 1 but somehow, I'm still here, still kicking. And of course, my mind has to push out there, "Ha. Barely." I grew up without my father. I knew nothing about him. Instead, my mother lived with my Grandparents and I definitely grew up Grandpa's Little Girl, even if he was tough as a rock on us all. He really was my hero. While my Grandpa was strength for me until we lost him in 2009, our family didn't talk problems, you didn't share emotions. You just deal with it. When I couldn't face the bullies at school, I couldn't tell anyone. When I was abused by a cousin and later my step-father, nope-don't you dare talk about it. At 10, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know where I belonged, who I could trust. And unfortunately, I didn't want to be alive to feel the [...]

Anniversaries. There's good ones and then there are bad ones. Everyone loves happy anniversaries, they look forward to it every year, but what about the bad ones? The ones when you lost someone you love or when a relationship ended, you lost all of your belongings in a fire, etc. Those bad anniversaries no one likes to talk about and those are one of the ways when depression can slip in. I have problems with anniversaries, I disappear from the planet certain times of the year for days, weeks at a time. I don't want to be bothered with phone calls from people and sometimes I don't even want to work. I just want to suffer in silence. I know that it isn't healthy, but honestly I don't care. I focus on the negative times in my life a lot because, there has been more bad, horribly, shitty times than good or great ones. I never spoke about it tho, I just let everything stay bottled up inside of me. I built a dam to protect me from dealing with my issues, but every "anniversary" depression, anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks kicks in. sigh I hate the new year. I [...]

“This too shall pass.” - Anonymous When most people think of anxiety, they think of being nervous on a first date, or seeing someone for the first time in five years. Not me. When I think anxiety, I think waking up every single day for the past fifteen years absolutely terrified for no apparent reason. I even think having such violent panic attacks that I lose my hearing and vision. Most people even go as far as to call that crazy. Fifteen years later, I realize that I was at no point crazy, but rather living with anxiety – a bad case of it. My name is Phil. I’m a twenty-year-old-college student from West Virginia. My mission is to teach others about anxiety from what I, myself, have experienced for most of my life. I have been diagnosed with just about every anxiety disorder under the sun. I have been made of fun of and I have been called crazy. But at the end of the day, I’m thankful for my anxiety, as it has made me into the strong person that I am today. My anxiety started when I was about five years old. I remember being so nervous [...]

When I was growing up, there was a magnet on my family’s refrigerator that said, “Our family puts the FUN back in dysFUNctional”. As the saying goes, no truer words… As a young child, I didn’t realize that what my family was abnormal. Mental illness was just a part of the landscape. It wasn’t until a friend asked why we screened our calls – “Oh, just in case one of my crazy brothers calls. My mom doesn’t want to talk to them right now.” – and her mother forbade her to come over to my house that I became aware that other people think my people are different. Strange. Other. It was like being part of the Munsters, except there’s no laugh track. Growing up in that kind of environment, you’re bound to have some crazy rub off on you, even if you have no genetic predisposition to madness. Such was the case with me as garden variety adolescent disasters (divorce, bullying, low self-esteem) complicated increasingly idiosyncratic behaviors (nail biting, tongue biting, picking, cutting). I had always been a worry-wart and as a teenager, my anxiety blossomed to include depression and risk-taking behaviors. Bouncing between two parents, I was largely [...]