Category Archives: Anecdotes

Playground Speed Dating

Posted on March 9, 2010 | Leave a comment

Long before pseudo-married life, I dated people. Yes, I was young once. I usually ended up scaring the guy off because I was “too intense” or he “couldn’t give me what I needed.” That was code for “I’m not that attracted to you and you’re too needy! Get a dog or go call your mother!”

During my dating days, I never had the chance to try speed dating. What I know of speed dating, and my knowledge is solely based on television sitcoms, is that you sit at a table with a person, talk to them for 60 seconds exactly, then a bell rings and you move on to the person at the next table. This process repeats at least 10 times. At the end of this rigmarole, you choose the person(s) that you like from the bunch.

It turns out that I’ve been involved in a similar activity to speed dating and I didn’t even realize it: playground speed dating!

Here’s how it works:

I’m on the playground. I meet a mom and we start talking:

ME: Your son is so cute! How old is he?
SHE: 20 months.
ME: Aw!
SHE: How old is your son?
ME: He’ll be two in May. Where are you from?
HE: Long Island?
ME: Where in— (I realize that Ari is no where in sight)

Speed date # 1 is finished. I’m running across the playground chasing after Ari. He stops to climb up the jungle gym.

Speed date #2: I meet another mom, this time attached to a little girl.

ME: She’s so cute. Wow! She just said “Excuse me!”
SHE: Yeah, she’s always been a talker.
ME: I just got my son to say “please.”
SHE: Oh yeah. Which one is your little guy?
[I look but can't find Ari anywhere. Then I spot him!]

This process repeats itself indefinitely until we eventually leave the playground to go home. It occurs to me that this is why I have very few mom friends! I only get to talk with moms for 30 seconds intervals or less!

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Posted in Anecdotes

Listerine is Trying to Tell Me It’s Monday

Posted on March 8, 2010 | Leave a comment

This morning I refused to get out of bed, flat out refused. I finally made it to the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet to retrieve my toothbrush and was jolted awake when my enormous bottle of cool mint Listerine jumped into my arms! It was trying to tell me “Wake up! It’s Monday!”

Next time I go to Costco, I’m buying the original scary yellow variety. The cool mint is too self-satisfied for my taste.

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Posted in Anecdotes

My Alpha Hemorrhoid Strikes Back With A Vengance (Not For the Faint Hearted)

Posted on March 4, 2010 | Leave a comment

This morning I went to the bathroom and stood up to find that the toilet was filled entirely with blood.

After this occurred exactly seven more times, it was clear to me that something was very wrong. I suspected my alpha hemorrhoid had something to do with this mess, but I couldn’t be sure.

All of a sudden I felt sweaty, nauseated and unable to move from the couch. Thankfully I was at my parent’s place at the time. My protective maternal instinct kicked in. I motioned to Ari and exclaimed to my mom:
“Get him out of here!” She rushed my little guy out of the room.

Then I vomited on my favorite hoody and jeans, which made me very sad. After expending all this energy on bodily functions, I could not rise from the couch and I knew something was, in fact, very wrong with me. Before I realized what I was saying I’d already called out to my mom:
“Call 911!”
“Okay, okay!” My mom said in a state of shock.

The ambulance arrived, and there were three surprisingly friendly EMS workers in my parent’s apartment. As she administered an oxygen mask to my face while I was lying on the couch, Samantha (one of the EMS workers) commented on how cute my parent’s cats were and said that she had five of her own.

Samantha, Guermo, and Ryan (who I kept calling “Adam” because I was so out of it) navigated the stretcher they placed me on through the narrow hallways of my parent’s garden apartment.

On the ride to the hospital, my mom warned these unsuspecting EMS workers that they might end up on my blog.

I’ve said many times how much I love the Emergency Room, and by “love” I mean “hate with the fire of a thousand suns!” Oddly enough, this time the ER wasn’t so bad. Here are the reasons why this visit to the ER was borderline pleasant!

1. An extremely competent Physician’s Assistant named Florence. She complimented me on knowing when to call 911. I said: “I’m a child of the 80′s, when you see something say something!” She replied “I’m a child of the 50′s, just stay home and die!”
2. A kind Nurse Tech named Sheldon who put on my hospital socks FOR me. They were fancy and turquoise! I stole them, naturally.
3. I got to take a 20 minute nap while I was waiting for my blood work results!
4. A hospital volunteer came to my room and asked if there was anything he could do to make my stay more comfortable. He wondered aloud if I might like a pillow? I exclaimed “Yes!”
5. Nurse Gabrielle, who continued to help me even when she “wasn’t my nurse anymore.”
6. I didn’t have to stay overnight! And I got home at a reasonable hour: 4:30pm!

It truly makes a difference to have pleasant helpful folks around you when you think that you may have something horribly wrong with you.

Have you ever had a pleasant ER experience?

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Posted in Anecdotes, Emergency Room, Hemmorhoids, Hospital

The Stove Timer Helps a Toddler TV Addict

Posted on March 2, 2010 | Leave a comment

Recently, though I am ashamed to admit it, my son has become a television addict. Don’t be alarmed, he’s not watching Law and Order SVU or anything like that. He’s into two shows in particular: Blue’s Clues and Yo Gabba Gabba, which he calls “Cuckoo’s!” and “Bugga Bugga,” respectively.

Today I tried an experiment. At the suggestion of my sister-in-law, Rosa, I set the timer on the stove for thirty minutes.

I can’t even show him the picture above because he will go bonkers.

Anyway, as tempting as it is to let him watch just “one more episode,” I had to draw the line somewhere. After one episode of Blue’s Clues, the timer hadn’t gone off yet, so I let him replay the episode for the remaining 8 minutes we had left on the stove timer.

When the timer beeped, I shut the TV off. All hell broke loose. If you looked up the word “tantrum” in the dictionary, along with the definition, you might see this:

It was intense. I decided to try to ignore the tantrum. I said to Ari:
“I’ll be back when you’re done.” As I left the room he was screaming “Cuckoo’s! Cuckoo’s!!!!” Demanding to watch Blue’s Clues.

I waited an unbearable two minutes listening to him screaming in the next room. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I re-entered the living room with him still screaming. After several futile attempts to get him to draw with me, he eventually accepted my offer of a glass of orange juice. Meanwhile I created several masterpieces by my lonesome:

He drank the orange juice quickly, because he was terribly thirsty from screaming, I would imagine. Then he began to scream some more “Cuckoo’s!!!”

I was running out of ideas, and needed a solution before my head exploded. I was ready to throw in the proverbial television towel and turn on another episode of “Cuckoo’s.” But I didn’t.

I don’t know what came over me but I found a ball, and ran down our abnormally long hallway with it. To my surprise, my screaming child stopped screaming and started LAUGHING. Then he followed me! And we started to play ball!

I couldn’t believe it. He forgot all about his precious Blue’s Clues! We played ball, I tickled him, turned him upside bunch of times, we drew, and it was all okay! Wow, I’m tired.

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Posted in Anecdotes, Blue's Clues, Tantrums

My Cat is a Better Parent Than I Am

Posted on March 1, 2010 | Leave a comment

This evening, Ari was doing his regular routine of thwarting bedtime. Wilhelm and I tried to sing to him, rub his back, but he just screamed and kvetched and he was not willing to go to sleep.

Wil left the room to let Ari and I have some mommy and son time. Unfortunately, my child continued to scream.

All of a sudden, Uncle Egreck (my cat) jumped up onto the bed to see what was going on.

In desperation, I pointed to Egreck and said:
“Look Ari! Look who it is! Kitty!”
Ari stopped crying, crawled over to Uncle Egreck, curled up next to him and fell asleep.

As soon as Ari was asleep, Uncle Egreck relocated to another section of the bed as if to say:
“My work is done here.”
Clearly, my cat is a better parent than I am.

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Posted in Anecdotes, Cats, Sleep

The Best Snow Shoveler I Know

Posted on February 27, 2010 | Leave a comment

Ari has taken to the winter season so much so, that he even volunteered to help shovel a random Manhattan street corner. Uncle Mike assisted in the cause. If you need help shoveling your driveway, Ari tells me that he’s available for hire.

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Posted in Anecdotes, Snow

A New York City Department of Education Miracle

Posted on February 26, 2010 | Leave a comment

The Meriam Webster Dictionary defines a miracle as “An extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.” Today a miracle occurred. There was a 2nd snow day in the year 2010 for New York City public schools.

In my 13 years of public schooling in New York City, I experienced one snow day.

These kids don’t know how lucky they have it. Two snow days in one New York City public school year is unheard of.

That day in 1996 will be ingrained in my memory forever. We went sledding in Riverside Park on the lids of trash cans. We were so filled with surprise and joy (because we’d never had a snow day in our entire lives) that we hardly knew what to do with ourselves.

It’s sort of like never having the chance to celebrate your birthday for 16 years, and then suddenly someone throws you a surprise party.

Ari seemed to enjoy the snow day news as well!

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Posted in Anecdotes, Snow

Look Who Has Mistakenly Contacted Me

Posted on February 25, 2010 | Leave a comment

In the past week I’ve received several emails (and even text messages) that were sent to me by “accident.” I’ve begun to find them amusing.

One email was an invitation to 90th birthday party with a woman sharing my last name: Fader. I’ve never met her.
Another was a text message addressed to “Komar” received on my cell phone about a potentially valuable stock trade in process!
Yet another was a cancellation to a meeting. “I’m sorry I have to cancel our meeting tomorrow.” This was from a kindergarten teacher. Sent to the wrong Sarah. She works at my school.
Then there’s the daily call with an “important message” for “Luis Oliverio.” I keep telling this particular creditor that Mr. Oliverio does not reside here, unless he’s hiding under my couch and I haven’t noticed him.
Another was a message from a high school telling me that my son, Luis Riveria, has been absent for too many days in a row. I wasn’t aware that I gave birth to a one “Luis Riveria.”
The last was from an email from my business partner telling me that she can’t wait to “catch up!”

It’s been a busy week over here! I can’t wait to see who else I hear from!

Have you ever been mistakenly contacted? Tell me about it!

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Posted in Anecdotes

“You Can Find It Online At Kangaroo”

Posted on February 19, 2010 | Leave a comment

I was walking down the street and I saw the coolest mode of transportation pass by. It was a bicycle with a dome shaped car attached to the front of it. Within the confines of the car were one and possibly two very comfortable and protected toddlers.

I shouted out to the mom driving this contraption:
“That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen! Can I take a picture of it?”
She paused for a moment and then replied
“Um…you can find it online at Kangaroo.”

I paused and then shot back.
“Yeah…I’m never going to do that.”

I responded this way because:
1. I had no idea what “kangaroo” was and
2. Was surprised that she couldn’t stop for three seconds while I took a camera phone picture of her bike?

In this world we will all get a little farther in life if we help one another out. Kanagroo!

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Posted in Anecdotes, Strange Interactions

The Writing On The Wall

Posted on February 17, 2010 | Leave a comment

It’s been a long day. I was spacing out on the couch, and Ari was happily drawing in his notebook with his crayons, so I thought. Turns out I was wrong.

“Oh my G-d!” I heard Wil exclaim from the other couch. Wil is a really mellow guy, so I knew something truly shocking must be occurring. I looked over and saw this:

Here was the culprit/artist:

So we immediately put the graffiti artist in time-out, but he did not stay. Instead he chose to turn the air purifier on and off several times and then returned to the wall to finish his piece.