I want to renew myself like a library book. I’m tired, I’m not done reading myself, and I definitely need more time. But, I also need some care. My pages are worn and…you know what? This analogy isn’t working for me. Let’s try another one: I want to publish an updated version of myself, volume 2,3,4, or maybe even 7. Is it a different color? I’m not sure. I know that I’m outdated and I need a tuneup. No, that’s not working for me either, not the right literary comparison. What am I trying to say here? I guess that’s the point. I’m burnt out, tired, I want to sleep for 87 days. There’s too much, my head is hanging low, I want a nap, but I just keep going like the Energizer bunny. Is that life? It probably is. I want the chance to feel new again, have someone heal me, or fix me. That doesn’t exist though, because we have to heal ourselves. Even if we’re seeing someone else, the onus to get better fall on you and me. Whoever is reading this, I believe you can heal. There have been so many times in my life where I was afraid, I didn’t know how I would make it through, but somehow I did.
There have been so many moments where it hurt to breathe, but I kept doing it. That’s life, it doesn’t make sense, it hurts, and sometimes there are glimmers of beauty along the way. That’s what I wait for when it hurts so much that I can hardly take a step or a breath I know it will begin soon. I pause and remember his smile, the light hitting the trees near my apartment, listening to music and hearing my daughter sing along in the car, my son saying “you’re the best mommy ever,” my little girl saying she wants to be an acapella singer. Who knows what my kids will do when they get older? I want them to choose their own paths.
What’s my path? I’m not a renewed library book, I’m not volume 8, I’m me. I will try to be true to myself and follow what I believe to be the right path. What that is is to be determined. It could be right on Monday and wrong on Friday, that’s okay though. We’re all trying the best we can, and if something doesn’t work out, it’s not your fault. If you can learn from it, then do that. If you can try better next time, do that too. But blaming yourself for what didn’t or wouldn’t go your way isn’t helpful. Although, let me tell you a secret: I do that a lot. That’s why I’m letting you know, I’ve tried it and it does not work. Try not to waste your time believing that you’re the cause of everything that went wrong in your life. If you have good intentions, then it’s probably okay.
If I can get better with time, I’ll do that. I might not be able to take a 98-day nap, but I can lay down and rest for a while. After that, things look a little bit clearer.
