I hide when I am tired, shutting down, needing a break. It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s not that I’m selfish, it’s not that I don’t want to be your friend. I just can’t help anyone right now. I’m trying to help myself and even that is challenging. I know that hiding in my cave is temporary, and I understand that it may frustrate you, but (as the cliche expression goes) it’s not you, it’s me. I am trying so hard to stay afloat, live life, be “normal” and go through the motions, but those “motions” are exhausting and sometimes I need a little bit of help. I’m realizing that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s not like it’s a new concept. But I have had challenges in the past where I overwhelm people with the help that I ask for. I realize that it’s about balance. I recognize that my friends and family have their own lives to attend to. And if they can’t get back to me right away it isn’t about me, it’s about the fact that they are busy. Busy isn’t a code word for “I don’t care about you.” And actually, it’s the same for me.
Similar to when someone breaks their leg or needs to see the doctor, when I’m feeling depressed I need to take care of myself. I don’t want to burn out trying to help too many people. And it’s hard to do that. It’s so hard to say no when someone needs my help. But setting those boundaries is crucial to my mental health and it will preserve it. I’m not being an asshole, at least I’m not trying to be that way. I just want to feel better and I know that will take time. I’m getting frustrated with the way that time works. It’s slow and I feel so tired. I’m using mindfulness to accept the fact that I can’t do it all. If I cry at my desk, It’s okay. If I scream into a pillow because my brain makes me feel upset, that’s fine too. We all have bad days and when you have several days of feeling depressed it can take a toll on your mind and your body. Trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience.
I don’t know when it’s going to get better, but I do KNOW that it WILL get better. That’s what I tell myself when I’m crying. That’s what I repeat to myself when it feels like I’m struggling to stand up. I still stand up, I continue to take care of myself because this is my one life and I deserve to be happy. It’s not a cliche to want happiness. It’s a goal and I want that for myself. I will keep going always and I will achieve my goal. I know that happiness comes in spurts or moments. And when it hits me, I’ll gladly accept it with open arms. Maybe that looks like my kid’s smile or singing at the top of my lungs. I will feel happy again. I know it.