Scrambled Eggs

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My mind is scrambled eggs. I just ate poutine.

I have too much going on and I can’t keep up with everything.

I’m dehydrated.

I need to focus so badly but it seems impossible.

 

I see me

I defined my significance by how much you noticed me, when in fact I am here regardless. I scream and I can hear myself even if you’re holding your ears. Nothing will change unless you let go and look me in the eyes. Tell me I meant nothing to you, because from your actions that is what I feel.

I’m not lonely. I’m content in seeing myself for who I am. My invisibility is subjective to you. My existence is not predicated upon your approval.

I want to shout “you’re a bad person!” But that’s not the truth. You are just blind. I’m still beautiful.woods

Spark

I have this spark and nobody can take it away from me. I’m a writer, it’s what I do. It doesn’t matter if anyone acknowledges my talent, because I know that I can write. Sometimes I doubt myself; we all do.

Doubt doesn’t make my talent go away. Doubt cloaks my talent. Doubt hides the fact that I can write. The fact remains – I am a writer and my words make magical imprints on a page. They dance and punch people in the face sometimes. My words are real, true, tearful and happy, but not all at once.

Nobody can take my words away from me.

You have a spark. Your spark makes you you. No matter how hard they try, nobody can take that spark away from you. Dance, sing, play video games or take computers apart. You are good at any of those things or all of them.

Love your spark. Realize your talent and keep it close. It’s real. You’re real.

 

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Are you listening?

img_6013Are you listening?

I find that I say things and people don’t listen to me. I don’t know if this is a recent phenomenon or cultural one. I think it’s the latter. It seems that people are talking and others are not listening to them. Think about it; when someone is talking to you are you listening or are you waiting for your chance to interject? I struggle with waiting for my turn because I have ADHD. I work very hard to try to listen to what the person on the other end is saying to me. Sometimes I fail and I interrupt them. It frustrates me and most likely it frustrates them.

I don’t want to tell you what to do. I don’t need to tell you what to do. I’m going to tell myself what to do. Sarah, stop waiting to speak and just listen. What is the person you are with saying to you? What do you hear?

Reflect back to them what they just said to you. Maybe if I become a better listener people listen to me.

Half Finished Sentences

Life is a series of stories that never finish.
Half ended sentences
Conversations that…
Like that.
People who come into your life only to leave when it doesn’t serve them or you anymore.
That’s what life is.
It’s messy.
It’s funny.
It’s painful.
It doesn’t make sense for the most part and when it does the shoe is dangling in the air getting ready to drop.
I’ve watched the same show over and over again.
I’ve made the same mistake multiple times.
You’d think I would have learned by now.
Or
maybe you aren’t thinking about me at all.
You’re thinking of you and that’s fine, because we have to look out for ourselves.
It’s 3am and all I want to do is sleep but I just wrote this since it was in my head.

 

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There’s Nothing Like Not Writing

There’s nothing like not writing. I feel the pressure of wanting to say something profound, but all the thoughts in my head are angry or depressing. I want to be hilarious.

Hey, what she wrote there, that was hilarious!

Humor is subjective, we know this, but I want to be funny damn it. All the things I could write about I’ve already covered a million times and I’m tired of exaggerating. It’s all getting old. I’m writing this word vomit because I don’t know what else to do. There hasn’t been anything on here in a while. Why are you still reading this? Go watch Netflix or eat a donut. Oh, you’re still reading this because I’m still writing words.

I’m fixated on the way things are supposed to be and there’s so supposed to be. It just is.

I just sneezed. I thought you should know that.

I Had a Dream I Wrote You a Letter

I had a dream I wrote you a letter. I kept trying to write your name. It wasn’t working. Then I tried to write you how I felt. But the ink turned to glittery gelatinous glue and melted into the page. I read somewhere once that you can’t read words in dreams. I knew what I wanted to say to you but I couldn’t write the words. In the dream I missed your call. I called you back at seven in the morning.

“Hey, I’m sorry I missed your call.” I said, my voice scratchy from just waking up.

“I called you three days ago. I’m getting ready for work now.” You said, annoyed.

It was too late. I was too late. We were too late for each other. I couldn’t find a sink to wash my hands in.

I’m not dreaming anymore and it’s the same story. I still can’t find the words and my eyes hurt from crying and reading and missing parts of myself and you.

I’ll write that letter one day. I’ll mail it or burn it. I’m not sure which one. I’ll let you know or maybe I won’t, because I don’t have the words.

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The Heart Wants

There are some things in life that can’t be “figured out” or rationalized. Feelings are like that. The heart wants what it wants and despite your attempts to merge your mind and your heart to have the same road trip, the heart takes over and drives the car off road onto an unchartered nature trail. I can’t tell you how to feel, but your heart can.

My heart is powerful and overwhelms my ability to reason. I love without thinking first and then realize later that my hands are covered in my own blood. It isn’t easy to love this way but it was the way I was born and the way I am. I feel things deeply, and when I say that I love you it’s because I love you. I mean those words, which pour out of my mouth but originate from my chest.

What’s the difference in saying these words if the way that I love can’t be understood? It’s fierce and bold and unashamed. And yet it scares people with its truth and passion.

I won’t let being misunderstood stop me from loving wholely.

It’s who I am to love vehemently.

I can’t tell you how to love and you can’t tell me how to either.

Let there be blood on my hands, so long as it’s mine.

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