My brain wants to kill me. I don’t think it wants me dead, but it’s trying to tie me up. Every time I want to move it stops me. I want to apply for this job. I want to eat a sandwich or ice cream. No, you’re not allowed to do any of that. Sit down and cry. Be quiet. Be a zombie, and hate yourself. But not enough to die. You should be tortured for the rest of your life. Think about the mistakes you’ve made, and harp on them. Keep thinking about how bad you feel about yourself. You definitely fucked up. You hurt so many people. You lied. You’re a fake, and a fraud. Something is definitely wrong with you. Everyone else can keep a job, so why can’t you? Because you’re insecure. You don’t know your worth. And you question yourself, and think that you need to pay for the mistakes you’ve made. It’s your fault, you know? All of it.
Everything you try to do inevitably will fail.
You might succeed for a while, until other people uncover that you’re lying. And that you can’t keep your shit together.
I’m under here. I’m scared of you. All of this can’t be true. I know I’m not a bad person. Yes, I make mistakes. And I’m trying to pick the pieces up and say sorry to the people I have hurt. But at the same time, I shouldn’t have to be treated like shit either. All I can do is try to do better. And I can’t fix it all at once. So what’s the first step?
I don’t know – take one.
It doesn’t have to be right or wrong, it just needs to be a step.
There’s no right direction.