Massage My Hands and Tell Me I’m Beautiful
Relationships can be downright exhausting. It’s difficult dealing with myself and my emotions, and now I also have to deal with someone else and how they feel? I consider myself to be an empathetic person, but there’s a balance between caring about somebody else and how they feel while also prioritizing myself and my emotional needs. It’s difficult because I value myself and I’ve gotten to a place in life where I’ve come to see my inherent worth. I still struggle with anxiety and depression – anxiety being the more prevalent issue – however, I’m able to know that I matter. I
I want to be with somebody who also sees that I’m worth it. That’s willing to fight for me, that’s excited to see me every day. That wants to hug and kiss me. I don’t want to be a source of frustration to anyone. I want the man that I’m with to love my kids and me and see the good in me because I’ve been told for my entire life that I’m “too much” and I don’t want to feel like that. I want someone to see what’s fantastic about me, and I want to see what’s good about them.
Relationships can be tiring, and I think that one of the ways that we can combat that exhaustion is to see the good in each other, but over time, I feel like it’s inevitable that we hurt each others feeling in any relationship and that’s why I’m rethinking the idea of being anyone at all. I don’t want to be alone. I want to be in a situation where I am valued, and I know that can happen to me, and I think one of the biggest things is that I need to value myself. As I said, I’ve worked hard to do that over the years, but I still have old patterns of falling back into believing I’m not worth it, that I’m annoying, or that I’m a burden, and I don’t want to feel that way. But, I can’t control how I feel. I can only control how I react to it.
If you’re reading this, and you have a lot of feelings, I understand. I’m sorry you have to feel intense emotions. There are moments that I want to throw my feelings into the garbage. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work because feelings are intangible. If I could grab them and physically throw them as far as possible, that would be amazing. I’d love to chuck them across the solar system. Maybe there’s someone out there who needs feelings more than I do. I want to donate my feelings. Some people don’t have enough. I’m sure of it! I haven’t found the donation center, but I’m confident that once I do, the workers will be happy to receive them.
I don’t want my feelings
Me and my damn feelings. I’m so over them. Maybe this is something that I should talk about in my next counseling session. One day, I’ll find a connection that makes sense where I don’t feel like I’m knocking on someone’s door so hard that my wrists hurt and knuckles are bleeding. I’m afraid to write this. I don’t want anyone reading it. I’m scared that I’m bad at relationships, and doomed to fail at loving someone, and letting myself be loved in return. My heart hurts. I want to rest my emotional weight on a pillow for a long time. I want my man to massage my hands, hold me, and tell me I’m beautiful.