I annoy myself
It might sound weird, but sometimes I annoy myself. I know I’m engaging in a behavior that is irritating, and yet I keep doing it. My OCD makes me repeat myself often, and it annoys my friends and family. I don’t want to keep saying the same thing over and over, but there’s a reason for it. I feel like the person isn’t hearing me. And it’s not like saying it 300 times is going to make them listen to me any better but it somehow seems like it will. Part of my fear is that my feelings aren’t valid. I know this isn’t rational, but I still feel this way. It’s frustrating that my brain is eating itself and trying to make me believe that I don’t matter, which leads me to my next question, do I love myself?
Do I love me?
That’s a good question. I suppose it depends on the day. Today, I’m frustrated with myself. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll see things differently. There are days when I can see my value; I notice what my good qualities are and what I add to the world. Then there are other days when I feel down. I’m not sure why I exist and what my value is. I blame those feelings on my mind and depression. Sometimes we can’t see what’s great about us. There are other days that we feel like rock stars. The days I feel fantastic are the ones where I help someone, the times where I do something that seems objectively “smart.” The answer is, yes I do love myself, but it’s hard sometimes to entirely do that.
Loving yourself means accepting that you’re not always easy to deal with
I admit that I’m a complex, yet sometimes awesome individual. I’m funny, kind, weird and occasionally difficult to understand. But, I accept all these things about me. I’m not sure why I do the things I sometimes do, but I also accept that there are times I’m not going to know why I do things. Humans are weird. What I’ve realized is that I don’t always have to understand “why,” and sometimes the “why” to things is overrated.
What’s more important than why something is happening is accepting that it’s happening. I’m not going to figure out why I do something all the time. Sometimes the question is “how do I stop doing this thing that I don’t want to do.” Analyzing behaviors can be overwhelming and unhelpful. I accept that there are things I want to change about myself and I’m working on those behaviors so I can hopefully stop annoying myself as much.
Change is a positive thing.
I want to change my compulsive behaviors, and that’s a good thing. It’s hard, and it takes emotional awareness, but it’s possible. I’ve noticed improvements in compulsions because I’ve been working on them. I’m curbing the impulse to do something even if I have the urge to do it. That’s incredibly hard for me, but I know that I’ll feel proud of myself when I stop right before a self-destructive behavior. The triumph I experience after avoiding a compulsion is a great feeling. The hard part is sitting with that compulsion and wanting so bad to do that thing. Anxiety and compulsions peak at 20 minutes; that means that all I have to do is ride out that 20 minutes and I’ll get to the end of that uncomfortable feeling. The more I can do this; I’ll see the evidence that I can change. OCD doesn’t have to define me, but I can show it who’s boss, and maybe I’ll annoy myself less.