I’ve wondered about “neediness.” Is it “needy” to want people to support you when you’re having an extremely trying time in your life and you already suffer from mental illness? I don’t believe that it is. I already manage my OCD with reward-based exposure therapy, so I am working on being a healthy independent person. But, in addition to being independent, I tell other people when I need support and that’s what I’m doing right now. Life has thrown me some serious curve balls and hit me right in the nose multiple times. Good analogy right? I obviously don’t play baseball. I’m hurting and it’s not because of me, it’s because I am fighting for one of the small members of my family and my son needs me to do that for him. I am his person, I have armor, a sword, a shield and an arsenal of tools that I’m ready to go to war with for him. But just because I’m strong doesn’t mean I’m not vulnerable and hurting.
Just because I’m doing things doesn’t mean I don’t want to be taken care of and trust me, I do.
I want someone to make me soup, I want someone to rub my head and tell me it’s going to be okay because you know what? Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that and I have to keep going anyway. People go through things, kids deal with problems and it works out. But life is fucking crazy and it’s crazier than usual right now. I want someone to lay next to me for a minute and tell me it’s okay to fall asleep. I want someone to make me coffee instead of me doing every God damn thing for myself because I’m the adult, I’m the matriarch, I’m supposed to have my shit together and I am not allowed to break down or feel or breathe. I just have to forge onward whether I like it or not, and I don’t like it sometimes. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I feel tired and scared and I want someone to just be there. Be with me and hold my hand for just a minute, a second, a millisecond.
Does that make me needy? Hell no, it makes me a human being who is deserving of love.
It makes me a person who is hurting because her kid is hurting. And I need care, and it’s not about me utilizing “self-care.” It’s about me telling people, I need a break, I need support, I need you to have my back, I need something other than me doing things for me. And I deserve that. I do so much for other people and no one hears when I’m crying. Nobody listens when I am shattered into small pieces on the ground asking to be put back together because I can’t do it anymore and I’m out of glue and the store is closed.
I’m not a burden, I’m not “too much,” and I don’t expect anything from anyone. I just want to be loved, understood, heard, and I am entitled to those feelings and those needs.