UGH, I hate talking about my problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I seem like an open book, but we all have secrets. We all have things that we’d rather not talk about. So I got to therapy and vomit out what I’m aware of and not too scared to admit. That’s not impressive or that helpful though. If you’re going therapy, or in this case, if I am going to therapy, my money would be best spent if I actually went to the deep dark scary parts of myself. If I could confront these parts then maybe I’d begin to heal in a way that I don’t know about. What I mean is that I don’t know the nature of the healing. It could be a surprise how it pans out. That’s the thing though, I’ve not a big risk taker. I know that also might be a shock to you, but with emotional shit, I am not one for taking risks.
There are other places where I do take risks. I have a goal, I set my eyes on it, someone tells me “you can’t do that,” and then I have the drive within me to prove them wrong. But with my heart, the soft places, I am scared to let those feelings out and just be. I overthink the way that I want to be and my brain spins around in circles. I end up focusing on the other person and forgetting all about myself. I see their needs before mine and maybe that’s a part of what love is. Another option is that it could be co-dependence. That’s the thing though, I don’t want to label shit anymore. I want to live my life, go to therapy, talk about things that are holding me back and start to fix those things. Well, not fix the things, but change my perception of how they impact me. I want to be able to cope better with stressors, not cower in the face of life challenges, but rather rise to the occasion.
The tricky part is that I don’t know what those given occasions are. I am afraid of the unknown and it causes me anxiety. I do know that there are some areas right at this moment that I can practice being in the moment with. There are specific things that I need to stand still during and not run away. I typically either run away or freeze when conflict arises because conflict or discord makes me uncomfortable. Does anyone out there understand this? I don’t want to upset people and I don’t want to have my feelings hurt. I feel these two things on a deep level and it’s hard to let go of either of them.
So, what can I do? I can get down to it. I can talk to someone, and by someone, I mean my fucking therapist. I have been avoiding the real issues and dancing around them and I have to admit I am not a great dancer.