I feel the urge bubbling up inside my belly. I want to talk about all the things that are on my mind, but I don’t want those things to overpower me. I don’t want to become the things that are bothering me. They are like tiny little demons who want to consume my mind. If they materialize and make it from my stomach through my esophagus and out of my mouth, what will I say? I don’t want to offend anyone, and I’m so good at that. It should be a special skill on a resume at this point. I know that I need to talk to someone and I’m crashing down out of this hot air balloon waiting for it to explode with words in my face. I’ll have to catch those words or else they might find another candidate to bother and thrust my words upon. It’s difficult to see outside of yourself. It’s challenging to find how this will change me, what do I do if I talk? Who is listening to me besides BetterHelp ? Maybe a lot of people are. But it’s not something I can quantify. I can only attest to the fact that I have these feelings and they are connected to words and if I let them outside of myself there is no telling what people will hear and I can’t control any of it.
I’ve been working on my impulsivity when it comes to communication. There are things that I feel like I just need to say. There are conversations that I feel need to be had. And the other person on the end of that theoretical conversation might now be ready to have it. I cannot talk to myself in this particular incidence. I can verbalize how I feel, I can write in a journal, but if I need another person to care about my words, there is no guarantee that this person will care. Recently, I have had to leave a situation alone that I am uncomfortable with and it hurts. I don’t know how to handle that pain. I want to change it, fix it, make it mine again. And I cannot do any of those things because life doesn’t stop for me or you. It keeps moving at a rapid pace and if you stop and keep obsessing about one thing, you will miss a lot of what’s happening outside. You will not be present for the beauty also the tragedies. It’s your choice as to how you handle these complex moments. Sometimes there’s a time to use your words and other times there are opportunities to listen to others.
When you stop and listen, you may be surprised at what you hear. It’s hard for me to listen sometimes, especially when the words conjure up pain within my body and my heart. I don’t want to hurt anymore, but listening and talking can assist in working through that pain. I know what it is to walk through proverbial fire; I’ve done it before and I know I’ll do it again. It’s just a matter of time and words.