I walk into the dark cavernous space holding my flashlight. I try to turn it on but the switch isn’t working. It just keeps clicking and my feet start tapping nervously.
He is lurking in the shadows of this space. I can hear the shore waves creeping up. The sand is wet outside and I close my eyes wishing that I could be immersed in the ocean so I didn’t have to stand up anymore.
He’s there. But he doesn’t say anything.
My blood is hot and almost boiling and I can’t move my feet because the light won’t work and he doesn’t love me anymore so what’s the point of turning the light on anyway?
If he sees me, he’ll stare right through me.
Even in the dark I know…
He is looking through my face I don’t matter anymore and I can’t handle that.
I feel the rage bubbling in my stomach and it runs through my veins. I feel electric, powerful and full of hope. My hand is on fire and the flashlight turns on. I drop it to the ground and shake trying to extinguish the fire.
Then I feel it
His arms wrap around me and he says:
“I remember now- every moment- I remember.”
I believe him and the tears start to run down my face. They are hot and fierce. I am so strong within his grasp and I turn around and say:
He holds me and I know that everything (yes everything) in this moment will be fine.
I hear him in my head from years ago:
“It’s going to be fine. You think too much.”
It used to make me angry and now I understand what he meant. I need to shut the fuck up. I need to tell my brain to be quiet. Sit down. Be still. And listen.
He touches my face and nods.
“Go. I will still be here when you return.”
I smile at him in the dim light and run out onto the beach. It’s sunrise and I’m laughing and crying at the same time. I’m running and sweating, and I reach the shore line. I don’t think – I just throw my body into the ocean. He would be proud.
I’ll see him when I return, when I pick my self up and dry myself off.
I’m not worried.
I will be fine.