Why The Huffington Post Should Publish Me

I pitched to The Huffington Post yesterday. It was a great idea. They should use it. I'm a good writer. I've been writing since I was six years-old. I'll bet they don't know that. I would wager 1000 dollars that some of the published writers on The Huffington Post have not been writing since they were six. No sir, they have not.

That's why they should pick my pitch. It's my turn to shine. I've waited 33 years for this.

I'm not a narcissist, I promise. I'm just impatient. I hate waiting in lines. You should see me at the DMV. I feel like I'm in a mental institution. Not that I've ever been institutionalized. Not that there's anything wrong with being institutionalized. Okay, this is not going where I thought it was going to go and I'm probably beginning to offend people. It's what I'm good at. Which is why The Huffington Post needs to publish me. They have truly overlooked my genius.

The point is, I like to write. That's the point right? I have no idea what I was just talking about.

Oh yeah! The Huffington Post. I hope they're reading this. If the people at The Huffington Post are reading this, they'll know what they've been missing.

In fact, I think that the editors at The Huffington Post should come over to my house. I would cook them an excellent spinach lasagna. Forget writing! If the editors at The Huffington Post see what a good cook I am, they're definitely going to publish my writing. Once they eat that spinach lasagna, they'll know that they've chosen a winner.

I am a winner. I've won a bunch of contests in my lifetime. I can't remember them off the top of my head but if you give me a minute they'll come to mind. Oh yeah! I once won a contest that The Princeton Review held. I wrote a rap about surviving high school. It was genius. I won 100 dollars.

You know who I wish was reading this right now? I'll give you a clue. He wrote a book. You haven't figured it out yet? Come on! Okay, I'll tell you. I wish that Dave Eggers was reading this. If Dave Eggers was reading this he would approve. I'll bet Dave Eggers has won many contests in his life.

But I'm getting away from the real point here. The Huffington Post is missing out. They should recognize the fact that I can write funny words. I can take words from the English language and string them together in such a way that they actually allow people to open their mouths and laugh. I mean, can you do that? If you can, let's be friends.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that if The Huffington Post does choose to publish my article, you're all invited to my house for cookies. All of you.