I have my period right now, and I hate it. I’ve hated it since the moment I first got it at 12 years-old. I’m still in denial about it. Every time it ends, I feel like it’s the last time I’ll ever see it again. But yet, like an unwelcome ex-boyfriend, it keeps making a regular appearance every month for the past 20 years, minus the two years I was pregnant where it was absent,
thank G-d!
Without further ado, I bring you 10 reasons why my period can go fuck itself.
10. Going anywhere or doing anything seems impossible.
9. I can’t zip my jeans.
8. No matter what I do, I have stains on my underwear and potentially my pants, so it looks like I pooped on myself.
7. I look pregnant even though I’m clearly not, hello! I have my period!
6. Whenever anyone says anything to me I want to tell them to fuck off and die.
5. Period products are bullshit. Maxi pads feel like adult diapers, tampons are uncomfortable and leak, and I end up losing the reusable products in the chaos that is my apartment.
I have my period, where the hell is that thing that I paid 20 dollars for that is supposed to save me money?
4. I want to sleep all day, but I can’t!
3. I want to eat everything all the time, and I do! Then I feel like a hot air balloon.
2. I can’t have sex, which (as we all know) solves most problems in life.
And the number one reason that I hate my period is…
1. It makes me feel totally and utterly insane.
This has been a public service announcement from your mom.