I want to believe that people are black and white. It would be so much easier that way. With the exception of murderers and real criminals, people are not all “bad” or “good.” The nature of being human means that we have good days and bad ones. We are inherently changeable.
I’m thinking of a particular person in my life right now. It would be convenient to label this person as “bad.” But I’m not going to do that to them. Yes, this person hurt me deeply. But they’re not a bad person. In fact, they have many good qualities. I don’t know how to reconcile the bad with the good. And when I start to combine the two feelings I’m confused and I start to cry.
I’ve been crying a lot lately, as my life is in transition. Someone close to me said “you’re in a transitional period in your life.” This person is right in a sense. My life is changing in a major way. However, I wouldn’t refer to it as a transition. A transition is more like the time between high school classes. This time in my life feels like an upheaval. Everything I once knew is not going to be the same.
I have to be mindful of what I say. I have to pay attention to what I write on here. I resent all that. I want to be able to freely express myself. Writing is a major form of therapy for me. I don’t want to be censored from saying what I need to say in order to maintain emotional balance.
People are not black or white. They are gray. They are complex. They are multi-dimensional. You may “know” a person for your entire life and not really “know” who they are fully ever.
There is no good and no bad. People are people.
I can’t reconcile how I feel about this significant person in my life. This person will be in my life forever. I both love and resent them. I don’t know where to go from here with those feelings.
I want to forgive them. I want to merge the two feelings. I know that this person must feel similarly about me. They probably have tremendous resentment towards me. But underneath it all, maybe there is still love there. It’s hard to tell because on the surface we do not understand each other. We are sitting at opposite ends of a room looking at each other with suspicious eyes.
It is my hope that one day we will be able to sit down and understand each other the way we once did a long time ago.
When that day occurs…I will be sure that I’m wearing a gray dress.