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When someone makes you feel invisible it is an awful feeling. I know that feeling well. I want them to see me, but as much as i try to make it happen, they simply cannot. I want them to tell me I'm beautiful but they look right through me. It breaks my heart into thousands of pieces and those shards fall to the floor. Still they cannot see me no matter how broken and hurting I am. I am not a tragedy, I am a person, but that doesn't matter to them. You don't have to accept invisiblity as an identity. You don’t have to stay in that realm forever. Today I felt invisible and it was painful. Today I felt like my feelings didn’t matter and it consumed every single cell in my body. I was boiling with frustration and anger, and I was triggered to the core. Those feelings are real but they don’t have to control me forever. Unfortunately it’s the people that are closest to us that can have the power to make us feel like we are unseen. When I feel invisible it’s because I am expressing myself and I don’t feel heard. My voice [...]

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m already grown up and I still don’t know what I want to be. When I was a child I wanted to be a writer; that’s all I could think about. I had visions of signing books at bookstores and writing for a living. Little did I know that writing is not a lucrative career. I didn’t care about money when I was a child because I didn’t realize that you need to make money to survive. My parents (being the hippies that they were) encouraged me to pursue what I was passionate about, which was writing. Writing is the only thing that I’ve ever been confident at and sometimes I think that I’m not even that great of a writer. No, I’m not fishing for compliments. But, I was 25 when I finally learned to use a semicolon correctly. Growing up in New York City there were no classes in school to learn how to employ practical life skills like budgeting or finding a job. I wish they had had these things because I still don’t know how to do them. There were counselors within the school [...]

I never thought I would say this, but I am okay with myself. Of course, I'll never truly be alone because I have two kids. But, I feel confident for the first time in my entire life. I remember asking my uncle if he was confident and he said in all honesty that his confidence fluctuates. I used to feel like that was the case for me, but now that I have a better understanding of who I am, regardless of my anxiety disorder, I feel more confident. Anxiety definitely messes with me and so does OCD, but I finally feel like I can handle it. I can deal with the intrusive thoughts because 1. I am on the right medications and 2. I know myself and I like myself. There will undoubtedly be days when I get frustrated with myself because we all have those days. Some people are more honest about them than others. Truth be told, I have in my life wanted other people to fix me. I've known this for a long time and I've been transparent about it. This is something that I've discussed in a therapeutic setting with partners. I know now that I am [...]

  I’ve been living on the Internet for around nine years. I probably talk about my relationships too much online. And I don’t mean my online friends I mean my real life relationships with regard to romantic issues. I am not good at being in romantic relationships because they trigger my trust issues with people. I’ve been in couples counseling many times in my life, but not before getting married. And although it does help me it is not the answer to my psychological issues  with regard to partnership. I love to be loved and I feel like that’s a human emotion that we all want. I have talked about self-love on my blog a lot and I believe it’s important to embrace loving yourself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want a partner in life. I want to be in a relationship where I am loved and appreciated for who I am. And I know that that sort of connection is out there. In someways I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me talking about my relationships. I just don’t want to expose the people involved because that isn’t necessarily fair to them. And I have had the people [...]

Recently, I've been dealing with the school system in Oregon. I just came from the public school system in New York City, where there is a lot of bureaucracy and red tape. I have been a substitute teacher for the NYC Department of Education for many years. I've worked in inclusion classrooms where some of the kids have IEPs (Individualized Education Plans) and some of them are considered "general education." The kids who have IEPs have different educational needs and therefore need accommodations due to their plans. Currently, my son has an IEP, but he is not receiving the accommodations that he needs. He has focusing issues, just like me, and was just diagnosed with ADHD. It seems the teachers in this state do not understand how to deal with children with mental health concerns. I have explained to the school many times that he has ADHD and he needs certain accommodations to help him focus. But, they keep saying that he is work avoidant. They keep trying to put forth the idea that he is not doing what he's supposed to do on purpose. This is a common misconception about ADHD. I have had people think the same thing about me. [...]

When I moved to Portland I felt alone. It was hard being here without my parents and my close friends. For the first two months I was here I cried a lot. I called my one of my best friends in NY crying, telling her I wanted to come home, that I made a mistake. The truth is I was scared. I was terrified that I couldn’t do it, that my impulsivity would fail me. I didn’t know how I was going to make it work.I called my childhood best friend/sister and said “The thought of giving up and going back to New York feels like a relief. Is that bad?” She said she completely understood. After I called my friends and family crying every day for a while, they began to get frustrated. My best friend said “I love you but you need to do this on your own. I am here to support you, but don’t be afraid to be independent.” She was right. I was mad at her at first but she was being a good friend. I felt like I didn’t have the skill set to be here, make money, care for my kids and manage [...]

Anytime that I've grown as a person, it's because someone told me the truth regardless of whether or not it hurt my feelings. It's easy to appease someone's ego by telling them that they're wonderful and everything they're doing is awesome. But, the real growth comes when you are able to hear what you need to work on. Recently, I've been dealing with some harsh truths about myself.  It's difficult when people point out what's causing you trouble in your life, however, it ultimately helps you, or it helps me. Sometimes the truth, coming from someone you care about, can bring you to tears. On the other hand, sometimes people seem like they are giving you constructive criticism when in reality they are trying to put you down. And that's not about you, that's about them. But I'm focusing on the times that the harsh truth has helped me. In order to change, the people that love me the most have dropped some major truth bombs on me. I needed to grow up, I needed to stop being co-dependent, I need to be more financially responsible. All of those things were true, and I'm working on those things. It's hard [...]

The way my brain works is weird. I guess that's a simplistic way to put it. I'm not sure about other people's brains, but I know a whole lot about mine. It goes and goes and goes. I remember as a child and a teenager thinking constantly. Thoughts were always going on in there. I believed that that's the way people were. They just thought and thought. But, most people don't think as much or as often as I do. It's been a part of what sets me apart from other people and I accept that...sometimes. Thinking is exhausting, but it's what I do I guess, a lot in fact. The trouble comes when the thoughts are repetitive. When I'm obsessing about something or someone that's when I resent how much I'm thinking. I want the thoughts to leave me alone so I can sleep or at least just function. When you're always thinking, it's not possible to do anything else BUT think. To the people around you, you appear quiet, possibly withdrawn, but you're so wrapped up in your own head that you can't engage with them. I've had friends and family ask me if I was still "here?" [...]

Upon finding out that I had OCD, I have to say I wasn't necessarily surprised, but I was depressed. I didn't want to admit it to myself. In a way, I was relieved, because I had been misdiagnosed for so many years and now I knew what the hell was wrong with me. I could now start working on what the hell was right with me. I could be creative and tell stories to the people who need to hear them. I could articulate my feelings to my therapist. Whereas, before I got my real diagnosis, I wasn't able to do these things well. My therapist said I was surviving, struggling even, but not living. It was a brutal period for me. But I'm moving into a relaxed/happier part of my life. It's a relief to feel happy after an intense period of anxiety that seemed unrelenting. There's some great news about my new/old friends OCD and ADHD, they get along surprisingly well. I'm not making this up. I was told by a therapist who specializes in ADHD that my OCD wants to organize things and make sure they're in the same place. Then when my ADHD forgets where the [...]

We live in a digital age where our feelings are out there online. Most people I know are on Facebook and/or Twitter. Some of them I've met in "real life" while others I've only known from the Internet. I value and treasure all my friendships, but I'm wondering how awesome social media is these days. Recently, two close friends of mine deactivated their Facebook accounts. They each told me how much healthier they felt after doing this. They weren't bragging or shaming me for having an active social media presence. But rather, they were saying that they felt relieved from not having the influx of information that Facebook provides. Another thing that is terrible about Facebook is that many people pretend to be happy on it. This drives me crazy. If you're not happy, why you are lying about it? Wouldn't it be better to just not say anything at all? I suppose it's about public perception. You want to appear a certain way and so you put that out into the world. And you never know, right? This person could be talking in online therapy about how awful their life is. We have no idea what happens off the [...]

I met a woman in Starbucks today who changed my life. She said to me "you have more power than you think you do." This resonated with me for a couple of reasons. I was feeling like I didn't know what I was doing in my life, and I was focusing on what I couldn't control. In reality, there are things that I am good at and I can control. And I turn around and re-frame things to think about what I'm good at I feel better. This is looking at myself as a powerful person. We are all powerful in our own ways. When we work on ourselves with a therapist, whether it is expensive or free of charge (yeah free therapy exists), we can see our power more clearly. Working with a professional is a great way to see your power, especially when they believe in you. As human beings, we have the power to build each other up. When I see your power, I will tell you. And when you see how powerful I am you can tell me too. When we do this, acknowledge each other's strengths, we reinforce how unique we are. I have some [...]