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I was in therapy today talking about the variety of symptoms of the shit I deal with. My therapist was patiently listening to me and all of a sudden she said, "based on what you're telling me I think you have OCD." It was if fireworks exploded over my head. Everything made sense. I never thought I had OCD because I don't have compulsions. OCD doesn't have to manifest as handwashing, stove-checking and making sure you locked the door. OCD can be many things. The way it shows up for me is I obsess about my health. I have tremendous anxiety about there being something wrong with my body. Things feel like they are a danger signal when in reality, it's my anxiety being a dick. Hearing her tell me I had OCD was such a fucking relief. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it just made so much sense. It actually relieved my anxiety in a funny way. My therapist is generally behaviorally focused, but at times it does feel like Client-Centered Therapy because I talk a lot. Whatever she's doing, I hope she knows how awesome she is. She's not afraid to call me out on my shit and [...]

I am making a conscious effort to reframe my thoughts to positive ones from negative ones. I'm not going to say it's easy because it isn't; especially when you're feeling depressed. When you are depressed the negative thoughts are extremely persistent. However, you have the capability to reframe them into positive ones. Here's an example: it was raining this morning and I did not want to go outside. Despite this inclination after I thought "I don't want to go outside," I then reframed this thought to "I may not want to go outside but once I get there I will feel better." This motivated me to go out for a walk in the nature center near my apartment. What do you think happened next? I'll tell you. I felt better. Even though it was raining I enjoyed looking at all the trees and hearing the birds at the nature center. And as a welcome surprise, the sun decided to come out. I felt rewarded for my hard work on reframing my negative thoughts. It's challenging to be positive when you're down, but ultimately the rewards are stellar. The trick of it is remembering that it is a constant exercise that [...]

I used to think that in order to get over my ex-boyfriends I had to hate them. If I hated them it would make it easier to move on. Sometimes I pretended like they died. I know that sounds terrible, but if they didn't exist it was easier to move forward. Being friends with your ex is tough stuff. I know it's possible, but I haven't had luck with that until recently. The way I began to see it as a possibility was due to the fact that I changed my perspective on the matter. I've evolved as a person and become less stubborn and more forgiving. That took a lot of work in therapy and taking inventory of my emotions. The truth of the matter is: you don't need to hate your ex to get over that person. Reframe the idea of breakups in your mind. Breaking up with someone doesn't mean that one of you is a villain. That places unnecessary judgment out there. A breakup indicates that the two of you were not right for each other. You are different flavors that don't go together and that is perfectly fine. You might not want to combine garlic and ice [...]

Oh Lord, I don't want to write this post. But, yeah...I interrupt people. I can't help it! I have ADHD and hence a lot of ideas. I want to tell you that thing before I forget it. This is especially embarrassing when I do it with new people that I meet. As if it isn't hard enough getting know a new friend, now I interrupt that person 90 times because I want to commiserate with what they're saying. Oy gavolt, as they say in Yiddish. I know that I'm not trying to be rude, but does the other person? It's hard to gauge that when you're just learning the ropes of talking to a new friend. So now, I'm interrupting people and I'm anxious about how they feel about being interrupted. This shit is annoying, but it's the life of someone with ADHD. We're well-intentioned, but we may interrupt you when you're telling a story. Listen, it's not personal...well it is in the sense that we probably like your story and want to add to it. What's wrong with that? It's not that there's anything wrong with it, it just gets misinterpreted a lot. The biggest misconception is that a [...]

  When a cat rolls on her side to show you her belly it indicates a level of trust. She knows that you are safe and she's letting you rub her stomach. I started thinking about this. Cats are highly selective about who they show their bellies to. As a human I have had a tendency to show vulnerability to people who perhaps don't know what to do with it. Maybe it overwhelms them. Who knows? What I do know is that I can't go inside their heads and figure out what they are thinking or why. What I've learned is that you don't have to let everyone see your proverbial soft underbelly. It's yours and you get to choose who you roll over for. You don't need to be candid with everyone that you meet. You don't know all of them well, and it's your right to keep parts of yourself to yourself. Even in romantic relationships, you have the right to take it slow and open up gradually. And if you need the help of a couples counselor or individual therapist to guide you in that direction, that's perfectly fine too. Sometimes there is trauma associated with being [...]

I was tired today and I decided to take a nap for an hour before I got up. When it came time to get up I was not into this idea. But, then I remembered one crucial step in getting up is putting your pants on. Then I got excited because, well...I like my pants. It's the little things that count, right? I began imagining how awesome it would feel to have my pants on and that motivated me to get up. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm sitting here laughing to myself. PANTS made me get up. That's hilarious and awesome at the same time. My pants alleviated my morning anxiety. I could say I got up to write, which is partially true because I have several things I need to write, but in reality, it was my pants that were the main motivator. Just thinking about having them on was enough to get me going. I would even go so far as to say that my pants were more important than the first cup of coffee. Are you shocked? After getting up, it was a matter of finding them. Pants have a way of hiding from me. [...]

I recently moved from Brooklyn to Portland, Oregon and the transition has been challenging. I've been avoiding talking about it because I was afraid to confront the issues associated with the move. I considered finding an online therapist, but ultimately I decided to find someone I could see locally here in Portland. It's helpful to discuss the things I'm going through, but it's still challenging. I left a lot of myself back in New York and I'm trying to figure out what pieces I have left here. I'm still who I am, but I feel like I'm becoming a new version of me. Moving here has shown me that I can be independent, though it terrifies me at the same time. I want to do it "on my own" and I know I can, but I also know that it's okay to ask for help when I need it. It's just a matter of building that support system here in Oregon. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but I'm finding that hard. I want to have a flourishing life here now, and the reality is that building a new home base takes time. Every morning I wake up and [...]

Waiting. I'm waiting for something that may never happen and I'm trying to be okay with that. One never knows what will happen in life and this is no different. I'm sitting at the bus stop of my life and maybe that bus will come. It's the number 17, and I've ridden it before. It goes to my favorite places and my seat is warm. I have a seat you know. Actually, it's not a bus, it's a train. I like trains better anyway. When the number 17 train comes along I can hear it in the distance. It sounds off and I know it's on the way. I have a seat on that train too. I remember when you sat next to me and kept me warm. Is it okay that I remember that? You said you did too. That train ride will remain in my memory probably for the rest of my life. I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay there because that moment was real to me; more real than you'll probably ever know, no matter how much I've already told you. That's the thing, I've told you so many times. I know that [...]

I'm an enigma. I seem to be emotionally open, and yet I'm afraid to reveal how I feel at times. This has caused me some problems in romantic relationships. On the surface, it seems to be clear how I feel and yet there's so much more than meets the eye. How do you become truly close with someone when you're holding back? I wouldn't even say I'm intentionally holding back. It's a habit that I've had for as long as I can remember. My brain is a sanctuary and I reveal pieces of information over time. With friends, I am more open. In a romantic relationship, I tend to focus on the other person more than myself. I don't know if that's healthy or not, but it happens. I suppose in long-term relationships there needs to be a balance. You focus on each other and the goal is to serve the other person's emotional needs. Not in a co-dependent way, but in a loving way. In healthy relationships there is reciprocity. I realized that one of my mistakes in romantic relationships is to give "too much" and then become resentful when that wasn't returned or reciprocated. Maybe that's my fault. [...]

When I was a kid, I used to hear this expression all the time: go with the flow. I was an imaginative child, so I had several different variations of visuals pop into my head when I heard this. One was my period, I know I was weird. Another one was a gushing waterfall, and yet another was some mellow dude listening to reggae music and dancing slowly. As I got older I realized that none of these things are what people mean when they said: "Just go with the flow." What they were trying to tell me was "stop thinking so much and just live your life." Well shit, if it was that easy to stop thinking I THINK I would have done that by now. But seriously, I know that going with the flow is a good thing. There is the whole mindfulness movement that encourages people to be here in this moment. Focus on your breathing and don't try to change what's happening in this moment. Yeah, I dig that. I would like to worry less and enjoy life more. I mean, who wouldn't like that? Sometimes we (as human beings) get stuck in our heads. We [...]

I hide when I am tired, shutting down, needing a break. It's not that I don't care about you. It's not that I'm selfish, it's not that I don't want to be your friend. I just can't help anyone right now. I'm trying to help myself and even that is challenging. I know that hiding in my cave is temporary, and I understand that it may frustrate you, but (as the cliche expression goes) it's not you, it's me. I am trying so hard to stay afloat, live life, be "normal" and go through the motions, but those "motions" are exhausting and sometimes I need a little bit of help. I'm realizing that it's okay to ask for help. It's not like it's a new concept. But I have had challenges in the past where I overwhelm people with the help that I ask for. I realize that it's about balance. I recognize that my friends and family have their own lives to attend to. And if they can't get back to me right away it isn't about me, it's about the fact that they are busy. Busy isn't a code word for "I don't care about you." And actually, [...]

UGH, I hate talking about my problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I seem like an open book, but we all have secrets. We all have things that we'd rather not talk about. So I got to therapy and vomit out what I'm aware of and not too scared to admit. That's not impressive or that helpful though. If you're going therapy, or in this case, if I am going to therapy, my money would be best spent if I actually went to the deep dark scary parts of myself. If I could confront these parts then maybe I'd begin to heal in a way that I don't know about. What I mean is that I don't know the nature of the healing. It could be a surprise how it pans out. That's the thing though, I've not a big risk taker. I know that also might be a shock to you, but with emotional shit, I am not one for taking risks. There are other places where I do take risks. I have a goal, I set my eyes on it, someone tells me "you can't do that," and then I have the drive within me to prove them [...]

Little by little I am getting better. I'm not sure what I'm getting better at or from. I just know that I am getting better. That's cool, right? I mean, it's better than getting worse. How many times can I say the word "better?" I think it's five so far. Maybe I should have titled this post "better." Eh, that's okay, I'm going someplace with this. I think where I'm going is that I am going somewhere. For a while, I assumed that I was standing still. It's not possible to stand still or pause time. Life keeps going and going. I sometimes wish that I wasn't such an analytical person, but we are born into this world with a certain type of brain and if I wasn't so analytical than I wouldn't be a writer. I'm so hungry right now. No, literally, I am hungry and I need to make dinner. I'm not existentially hungry or metaphorically hungry, I'm legit hungry as in I need to eat. So why am I continuing to write this? I guess because there are still things to say/write. My mind hasn't calmed down and it has some more words to impart to you. [...]

I have been on a diet lately. It's an impromptu diet as in I didn't plan for it. I don't have a great appetite right now and I find that I am forcing myself to eat. I'm accepting that this is the way things are right now. It comes along with depression for me. Some people over eat and others under-eat. Oh well, fuck it, that's what's up with my mind and body. I've 10 lbs unintentionally and even though I needed to lose a weight, I'm not particularly happy about this. But the worst part of this is that people find the need to tell me how awesome it is that I've lost weight. Here's the problem with doing that: I don't like when they comment about how many lbs I'm displaying. I didn't intend to lose this weight in the way that I did and when they say I lost weight it reminds me of the fact that I'm feeling like shit. Damn BUT WHAT IF THEY MEANT IT IN A NICE WAY? Well sure, it isn't like they wanted to be insensitive and probably they were thinking it was a compliment. But when someone tells me I lost [...]