I’m not good enough and I don’t know why

I have a continual thought, I would go so far as to say it’s obsessive, that I’m not good enough…and I don’t know why! Where did it come from? Why is it that I think that I don’t deserve good things? I’m asking myself these questions and I’m asking you, but I don’t expect you to answer because, well, this is just a blog. Rather, a blog post, if you want to get technical.

I don’t know why I’m not good enough. I’m not sure where this idea came from. Maybe I was born with it, but that brings up another existential question. Do babies ever come with this idea that they’re not good enough? I don’t think so. I think that human beings are good. I think that we’re fundamentally morally sound, and that people fuck us up. So, if the truth is that I am fundamentally good, why don’t I believe it?

I don’t know whether it’s low self-esteem, what people have told me about myself that I have internalized as true, trauma, depression, anxiety or any of my mental illnesses that like to usurp my brain. Regardless of the origin of it, the “not good enough” feeling hurts me and I want it to stop. The only way that I can think of to make it go away is to talk about it, and that’s what I’m doing here.

I suppose the genesis of it doesn’t matter. It’s the emotion that I need to examine, which is sadness. So why aren’t I good enough? I guess it comes down to expectations. When I was a child I imagined myself growing up to be a published author, which I am. Although I hate the word “author,” and I’d rather go by writer. But you get the point. I imagine that I would be signing books at major bookstores. I believed  that my life would be fulfilling as a writer, and to some extent it is. But there are areas that I would like to improve upon, and I think that’s natural. But maybe that’s where this “not good enough” thing comes from. Especially when it’s related to love. If I were to be entirely candid, I don’t believe that I deserve to be loved. I think  there something fundamentally wrong with me, and that’s why I am examining these core believes in therapy.

It’s like, I feel that I’m not good enough to have a good job or  I’m not good enough to be successful or not good enough to be a great mom, friend, sister, daughter or girlfriend; but where is this standard of “enough” coming from? Where is this imaginary line that I’m supposed to measure up to and use to compete with other people? It’s like I’m in a race, but with who? Myself? I want to know if there are other people out there that don’t care about competition because this word, “enough,” is so toxic to our culture. I want to be enough for myself and maybe I don’t just want to be “enough,” because I just want to be.

I want to leave myself alone and I don’t want to struggle thinking about how I’m not doing enough or why I’m not a good person, because I am a wonderful human being and I know that. The people in my life tell me that as well, but sometimes I disappoint people and beat myself up, which is hard. However, I think that we all do that. It’s normal. It’s just a matter of how long someone hangs onto that thought. How long do you hang onto that bad feeling or punish yourself? As normal as it may be, it’s not healthy and I don’t want to do that anymore because I know that I AM enough. It’s one thing to say it, but it’s another thing to believe it. And that’s what I’m working on.