Do you have an opinion? Would you like it to be completely verbally eviscerated? Are you feeling great today? Would you like to stop feeling that way and have someone invalidate your feelings? Open your browser or get on your smartphone and head to Facebook! 1,2,3, your opinion is completely invalid. All you have to do is post something benign like “I love kittens!” Invariably someone will get uncontrollably angry or offended and say “I am allergic and I don’t like cats anyway.” Why is that necessary to say? I was so happy about my love for kittens and you fucking ruined my life. I hate you. Their anger is so potent that they could benefit from some serious anger management. If you ever have the thought “what is wrong with people?” look to Facebook and you will inevitably receive an answer to this age-old query. They want to fight, that’s what’s wrong with them. They want to be right, and they don’t actually care what you just said. The “reply” feature on Facebook statuses was designed to facilitate arguments between users. I know they won’t admit that to the public, but I am telling you that’s what it’s there for.

I try so hard to not start shit with people on Facebook. I don’t want to instigate arguments, but I will defend myself if you attack me. So help me Internet, if you attempt to verbally destroy me, I will come after you with logic and you will be so mind fucked you won’t understand what happened to you. Do not mess with me on Facebook, because I will go into deep Internet research mode, pull out evergreen news stories and show you just how flawed your argument is. I am a Libra, but I have a lot of planets in Scorpio, which makes me a truth-teller. Do not underestimate my ability to counteract your attempt to destroy my opinion. And why are you doing that anyway? Is it about you wanting to look superior to me? Is it that you had a bad day and you’d like to feel better about yourself by talking smack about kittens? What did kittens do to you that you’re so enraged about their existence? Go to the store and buy some Benadryl if you’re concerned you might be allergic to my Facebook status, though I can assure you that is physically impossible unless you’re experiencing a psychosomatic reaction in which case you need to see a doctor ASAP and I cannot help you.

When I took a break from Facebook I was so happy. I know that in some ways it’s a necessary evil when you work in social media, as I do, to have a Facebook account. However, I hope we can all learn to hold proverbial hands and sing Kumbaya together. We need to accept the fact that not everyone enjoys kittens but it’s okay to disagree without being adversarial about people’s animal preferences.  The ironic thing is that I am getting ready to post this on Facebook and as a result, someone will be infuriated and attack me; just watch.