For many years I was an introverted child. I grew up to be an introverted adult in my 20’s in particular. In my 30’s I realized that I didn’t have to be silent or hold back anymore. If people don’t like that, they can fuck off. I’m not here to please people anymore or walk on egg shells. I’ve embraced myself, the real me who has been in there the whole time. It took me being silent and internalizing my pain for so long and tolerating people who made me hate myself and my life to get to this point. I’m not ashamed of the mental and emotional processes I went through to get to this point, in fact if I hadn’t gone through that journey, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I welcome whatever comes my way, because it is helpful on my life path. We don’t choose what happens to us, but we have the choice on how to cope with those events. I didn’t choose to have OCD, but I have it. I didn’t want a neurological disorder that makes me obsess and worry about things that probably will never happen. But I am learning to manage my symptoms and live a better quality of life. I want to be happy and I am realistic that you cannot be happy all the time. You’ve got to value those precious moments of joy and hang on to them like the rare treaures that they are.
There’s no pirate map to tell us where the gold is; we’ve got to navigate through the mud on our own and find the emotional gold along the way. If there are alligators and monsters in our way, we have the inner tools to fight them. Maybe it takes working with a mentor, life coach, therapist, friend or guru to find our way through certain challenging times, but it takes whatever it takes to get to where you need to go to. And I’m not about being fake anymore. I don’t want to hide in an emotional closet and pretend to be someone I’m not when I open those metaphorical doors. I’m Sarah Fader, and I am proud of the woman I’ve become. It’s hurtful when people don’t like me, but I have to evaluate what their significance is in my life. If they are not living with me or an important person in my world, their words don’t need to matter so much. People who have never actually met me hate me and that’s okay. I don’t need to impress or please every single person I interact with because that isn’t my job. My obligation is to be the best person I can be with the tools that G-d has given me. And yes I do believe in G-d. If you don’t I accept that but nobody has the right to tell people who or what to believe in, including Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
Whoever you are that’s reading this, I support your life journey wherever it might take you and if we cross paths, nice to meet you!
