You came to New York on my birthday – 10/17 in 2004. It had to mean something.

It had to be a sign.

People come into your life for a reason and I miss you.

I’ll never stop loving you and my whole body feels like broken glass.

I don’t think you can ever forgive me for how I treated you.

But we were fire and fire together, and it exploded, which was sometimes great and other times overwhelming.

And I blamed everything on you, which became an imbalance in our connection. I can’t take it all back. I can’t make it better. I can’t fix things. I can’t fix us.

But I want to. I love you and those words- they mean something to me. The more you tell me you can’t hear me and Implicitly say I don’t matter, the more I can’t feel my face from crying.

I want to jump in a time machine and go back to 2014. I want to change that day that everything went to shit. I want to tell you I’m sorry, I’ll be more patient. I won’t try to make you talk when you don’t want to. I won’t be afraid of you because you’re not a monster, you’re a human being.

And if I could change it all for the better I would. But I fucked it up, I made it about me when it was about us.

I made it about your shortcomings when I am not perfect, I have things that I am not proud of.

I’m imperfect and scared and I miss you sitting next to me on the couch watching trashy reality TV.

Now we have a new couch that you’ve never sat on and it makes me so fucking sad.

I miss you so much and I want it all back but I can’t reach it. Can you?