I tried to save us.
Maybe you didn’t know or your hands were over your ears
Perhaps you didn’t want to hear me as we sat on that couch together listening to the therapist.
I didn’t want to hear you speak because I was so focused on telling you what my opinions were on our relationship. I refused to see through your lens. It wasn’t my problem; it was yours. And I wanted to see you as an evil super villain when in reality, you are just a man. You are a man who I still love deeply, despite the fact that your eyes are closed and your heart is broken or tucked away in a box. It’s like I can see you and you can’t see me, and it’s sad and heartbreaking and real.
I’ve always known that you were kind. I’ve seen you be good with animals and children. That made my heart open and swell. It was like we were connected in this unspeakable way and I wanted to crawl inside that soft place. There were glimpses of that vulnerability that you showed me. Sometimes I could see it and other times I didn’t want to believe it was there. You tried so hard to be kind to me, and there were many times when it went unnoticed. All I can say now is that I’m sorry. All I can do is show you that I DO care about you. It’s not that I stopped caring, it’s that I believed that you didn’t want to see me anymore.
Maybe we didn’t want to see each other. The resentment grew and grew to the point where we barely spoke to each other. When we did talk it was talking at one another instead of having a conversation.
the other day when I sat in the bathroom of your apartment and you poured your heart out to me, I wanted to listen. I opened myself up to you in a way that I never have, because I wanted you to know that I love you. I will NEVER stop loving you. Despite all the terrible things we’ve sad and done to each other, I will ALWAYS love you and NOTHING can stop that love. It’s strong, passionate, and real and if you can’t see that, I’m sorry; it’s probably because I put those glasses on your. It’s my fault and I will always live with the guilt that I shut you out.
I want to let you in
If I could do anything in this minute it would be to heal the past and have you hold me. There is no amount of tears that will fix what we’ve done to each other. I do know this: I can forgive you, and I hope that one day you will learn to forgive me. All I want is to be inside your heart again and I can’t control that. It makes me crazy, and sad, and I feel foolish that I let you go.
if there is a chance
to make it work
I will always be