I don’t want to write this because if I write this I admit that I have a problem. I’m not a drinker or drug addict, that is not my problem. Though I used to work in a residential treatment facility, so I know many nice recovered addicts. Anyway, the point is, I have a problem. When a man starts to get close to me, I freak out and I push him away. I do this in a variety of creative self-destructive ways. But this shit is getting  old, and I (too) am getting older. I’m 36 years old and I don’t want to be alone forever. I need to stop pushing real men that like me away. This is sad sad sad. That is not an actual sentence and i don’t even care. That “I” wasn’t capitalized but I am too busy crying to go back and capitalize it. What the hell is wrong with me? I must have relationship PTSD. I have regular PTSD, so it’s not surprising that I would have another form of PTSD.

I can’t do this anymore.

It’s not that simple though. I can’t just “stop pushing people away.” I need to figure out what I am so terrified of. In my mind I am ready for a partner. I want someone who will be there for me and love me. However, I am also (conversely) scared of the concept that someone out there could find me beautiful. WHAT IS THAT?

I want to stop asking “what the hell is wrong with me” and start asking “what is right with me?”

There is a lot right with me. I don’t need to go down the list, but I am a wonderful person who deserves to be loved. I can remind myself of this every fucking day, but it’s not that simple. The key is, as I see it, I cannot intellectualize love. I can’t “figure it out” I have to go with the feeling and for a person with a lot of feelings and a non-stop brain this is so difficult. There is that expression “you have to go with the flow.” The only flow I go with is my period, which comes once every 28 days.

Men don’t think the way I do. They are content with the unknown, it seems. Men don’t need to plan for the future and they seem to be okay with not knowing if there will be a future. The question “where is this going?” is a relationship murderer. Do you want to kill a potential relationship? I know what to do! Ask the guy where he thinks this connection is headed and he will run for the motherfucking hills. Trust me on this one, because I have tried this horrific relationship science experiment and it only ends badly.

Be in the moment.

Practice mindfulness relationship meditation and you’ll be just fine…

except if you have chronic anxiety – then you’re fucked.

That’s my problem is that I cannot turn my brain off long enough to enjoy someone’s company. I’m sitting there thinking “where is this headed?”

Please understand that I know this is entirely my problem. It’s certainly not the guy’s issue. I am the one doing the pushing on the relationship playground. Still, it doesn’t make it easy. I know what the solution is – stop pushing men away. However, I have no idea how to get to that goal. How do I sit here comfortable in the unknowingness.

I’m ready to go or am I?