I’m sitting here at my computer trying to write a blog post. I want to say something funny. This is going to be the best blog post ever. You’re going to laugh so hard. You might even pee on yourself a little while reading it. Get ready.

This blog post will be so amazing that it will change your life. You might stop smoking because you read it. You most certainly will find your purpose in life after reading it. After reading this work of art known as a blog post you will convert to the religion that you’re supposed to be. You didn’t even know you wanted to be that religion. But, now that you’ve read what I wrote here, you definitely want to be Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Bahai, Jewish or Mormon.

The truth is, you’ve never done gymnastics, but after reading what I’ve written here, you will undoubtedly be able to do a one-handed cartwheel even if you have back problems. You’re welcome.

I know you’ve always wanted to be able to fly and become invisible. That’s why I’ve written this amazing blog post. Now, you should be able to do both of those things.

Do you have a headache? You don’t now! If you’re reading this I have cured it with this blog post.

How is your urinary tract infection? Gone! This blog post has antibiotic properties. You didn’t even realize it.

Did your car break down? Well it’s fixed now and you didn’t even have to pay the mechanic because you read this amazing life changing blog post.

Except…none of these things are actually true because…I have no idea what to write about.

I have what is known as writer’s block. I believe you’ve heard of it. It’s not in the DSM V, but it should be, because it feels like a psychological disorder. It’s like I’m constipated with words. They’re sitting there in my brain and they just won’t come out.

I’m sorry I lied about the one-handed cartwheel, being invisible and your sad urinary tract infection. I’ll let you know when I have my mojo back. Until then go to the doctor and get some antibiotics.