The mistake I made was that I got excited.

***

It was five days before my period, and I began to feel nauseated. I was emotional. I cried harder than usual at The Maggie Gyllenhaal movie. Something didn’t feel right.

I took a pregnancy test.

It was negative.

A couple of days went by…

I continued to feel sad, sadder than usual.

I took another pregnancy test.

It was negative.

I missed my period that same day I  went to Sleep Therapy Yoga. I told Nick that I knew I was pregnant. I took another pregnancy test. It was positive.

“99 percent accurate,” it said.

Early results as soon as five days before your missed period. I had missed my period.

I text the picture to my best friend.
She said ”Well then.”

I told Wil.
“I don’t want to get excited until you see a doctor.” He said.
“I don’t need to see a doctor to get a excited.” I argued.

I told people.

I told my parents.

I told my brother.

I got excited. Some were concerned others were excited. I welcomed it all in like a sponge.

There was a question mark in my mind.

My friend Liz brought over an extra test. I took it. It was negative.

My best friend came over and she brought me another test, from the 99 cent store. It was negative. I was confused. I was angry at the positive test.

The next day, I got my period.

I bawled. I didn’t understand it. What happened?
I text my doula. What was it?
“It’s called a chemical pregnancy.” She said.

It never implanted.

I cried. It was the worst period of my adult life. Every time I went to the bathroom and saw blood I was reminded that there wasn’t a baby in my uterus.

I cried and cried. I cried into Wil’s armpit. I cried into his shirt. I saturated his clothes with tears.

I am not pregnant. This never happened. It was all an illusion.

I’m angry at myself for getting excited. I’m angry at myself for telling people. I’m angry at the fact that there is no baby. I am angry at each and every pregnancy test that I took.

The anger is stuck in my chest. I want to reach in deep and grab it out, throw it out of my body.

This happened. It’s real. I’m still here.