Over the rainbow
Was it over? I couldn’t save us. I don't know what I did wrong. No relationship is only black-and-white. If we look at it realistically, it's a giant beautiful, tragic rainbow. That's what I realized later. After we weren't us anymore, I finally figured out that we aren't two colors but people. Instead of one dimensional, we are 3D, and if we looked at the problems, they weren't problems at all, they were strange puzzles with broken pieces. Now that we're not looking at the jagged edges, I wish we were sitting at the table, trying to glue the pieces together, trying to make sense of it. We don't make sense as much as I wanted us to, we don't. We sat together for 10 years How is it that two people could sit on armchairs side by side for ten years thinking that things were a certain way. We were wrong. You said I was crazy, broken, angry and mean and the more you told me what I was, I believed it. I said you were mean, thoughtless, someone I didn't understand. I thought I knew you, and then you were someone different. When I looked at your face, it was [...]
Do I need therapy?
Once upon a time, I was a vocational rehab counselor at a substance abuse treatment facility. I had a caseload and 50 clients and worked in a substance-abuse treatment facility. I loved working with people who have mental health issues and comorbid diagnoses of substance abuse. However, it was emotionally exhausting, and it was difficult for me (being an empathetic person) to set boundaries so that I didn’t burn out. I love my clients. I love seeing adolescence get sober. I love seeing adults turn from heroin addicts to sober individuals who can function and go on to achieve great things. I was sad when my clients relapse. That’s always a hard thing whether relapse is related to mental health issues or substance-abuse seeing people that you’re working with to get better relapse is painful. In addition to working with clients, I also saw my counselor. Well not really a counselor, a therapist. At the time that I was working in vocational rehabilitation in a residential treatment facility, I was in cognitive behavior therapy. I went to the while Cornell Institute in New York City. My therapist was a graduate student, but she was trained in CBT and showed me [...]
Sit Down And Take A Break
I'd like to sit down and take a break, talk to someone who cares, wherever they are, online, in "real life," a therapist, a friend, a stranger, a gorilla even. I want someone to "get it." I need to be held tightly. I want to be covered in a blanket. I want someone to make me soup, take the bowl away, let me rest and then wake me up for dessert. I don't have a chance to take a break. I just sit down and pray that the noise stops. Everything is so loud and terrible. I've told you to stop banging the drum so loudly in my ear. It's like you're not listening to me. You probably can't hear me over all the noise. It's not your fault, except that it is your fault. You can turn the volume down, you just choose not to. Why? I told you that I need to say something and you refuse to hear me. I can't scream any louder. The least you can do is to turn the knob down. You won't meet me halfway, talk to me like I matter, eat a sandwich with me. It's not fair, and you know [...]
Unintentional Asshole Dad Presents – I Hate Electronic Devices For Kids – By Christopher Powers
I hate my kids having electronic devices. I hated them so much that I couldn’t wait for them to get in trouble so I could take them away. Last Christmas, like so many other kids during that time of year, the level of their ungratefulness reached the point where I took their devices away as a punishment. Its now June and they are yet to get them back. Some of my older kids had some assignments that required a computer and I was more than willing to allow them to use their own. I'm very happy to have a house where kids are electronic device (aside from TV) free. 99% of the time when they had them they watched utter garbage like toy reviews or some crap game that provided 0 educational elements I hear all the time, even from a few of their teachers, that I'm doing them a disservice by not allowing them more access to electronic devices. My answer to them? I don't care. What I do care about is that my kids are raised and act the way my wife and I expect them to be and their use of electronic devices wasn’t allowing us to [...]
I want my Ph.D. so I can be phenomenal
Will a Ph.D. Make Me More Phenomenal? Recently I applied to Portland State University to get my Ph.D. I was accepted into a program where I can do the prerequisites to achieve this higher level of education. I want my Ph.D. because I know that I am smart enough to get one. I do not want to have a private practice as a psychologist. I’m not sure what I want to do with degree. Perhaps I want to prove that I can achieve this level of academic success. I know that I can do it and once I get my degree my career possibilities will be greater. I’m interested in neuroscience. What the brain can do fascinates me. The idea of neuroplasticity is exciting because our minds can change based upon the experiences that we have. For example, people with PTSD have visible changes in their brains after they experienced trauma. Your brain is not the same after something terrible happens to you. In the same way, your mind can be modified if you go to cognitive behavior therapy. Some studies indicate that CBT has the same efficacy as antidepressants. People’s brain chemistry can change based upon therapeutic modalities that [...]
Trolls – Guest Post – By Philip Embrace The Coda @EmbraceTheCoda
Troll is an apt term for the kind of shit-kicking ass clowns who get their jollies by pretending that their brand of incessant, obsessive dumbfuckery is clever or entertaining to anyone other than their own slack-jawed, mouth-breathing cohort of circle jerking morons. Wikipedia highlights of “troll” include that they are “isolated” and “rarely helpful to humans” and this really sums up internet trolls perfectly. In the life cycle of the internet troll, all of their stages are juvenile. It is a fair bet to never trust anyone who confuses being clever and sharp-tongued with being a capslock-on, sophomoric keyboard warrior. Trolling is an art or hobby in the same sense as fingerpainting with your own shit, and it deserves about as much consideration. They try to be as edgy as a rhombicosidodecahedron and it comes across like the bellowing of fatuous mooncalves. There's a time and place to rustle jimmies, but most trolls are just interrupting the adults while they try to talk. Being pedantic while ignoring the intent or spirit of what was said isn’t clever. Basement intellectualism and the veneer of Cheeto dust stained wit they smear across their keyboards, targeted at people trying to have real discussions, [...]
Adult Sticker Giveaway
a Rafflecopter giveaway Being an adult is so fucking hard. When you do something awesome nobody cares. So I’ve created these stickers because I care. Collect six out of seven of them and you unlock the ability to purchase an adult merit badge! Enter to win!
I Was Emotionally Abused And Some People Didn’t Believe Me
I was emotionally abused. It is difficult for me to admit that because it has a judgmental tone on my relationship, which I don't think is entirely fair to the person I was with. No relationships are black and white. Even if you are with a sociopath, they are still a human being. They might have a deficency in their personalities and not care about being loved. However they are still people who we can feel empathy or compassion for. I was not in a relationship witn a sociopath. This mad had problems just like we all have. However, I don't think it's appropriate to diagnose him here or with friends casually. I'm not his psychiatrist or therapist. I don’t feel comfortable talking about who was abused me. I still love that person and I will always love him. I still have contact with him. If you think you know who it was, you are wrong. Please do not ask me who hurt me. I will not tell you. I feel shame admitting my abuse, but I want others to feel like they can admit they were abused. I don’t want to perpetuate the fact that being abused is morally [...]
Unintentional Asshole Dad Presents -The Sanctity of A Child – By Christopher Powers
There is a lot of stuff going on in the world right now. Some good. Some bad. But why, today, does it seem like there is more bad in the world than good. Bad stuff has been happening since the dawn of written history yet many of the common people have tended to, based on my knowledge, focus on the good. This could have been from simple ignorance or lack of knowledge but either way, they could just move on. Today people seem to be bombarded by all the bad things happening in the world instead of the good and what I have started to notice is that parents are beginning to project that fear onto their children. Take some of these recent school shootings for example. My children never even heard of them until our kids' school did a drill for it and the teacher had a discussion about them. Other kids expressed their anxiety and stress over them where my child simply dismissed it as just a drill like a fire drill or tornado one. I found this interesting that so many of my kid's friends had parents projecting adult fears onto their children when, in my practice, [...]
What I Fear
What I fear. It doesn't make sense sometimes. It's like my mind finds the thing that I am terrified of and laughs at me. It taunts me and tells me I am going to die, I hurt someone's feelings, I did something wrong or nobody loves me. These are real legitimate fears, and I don't want them to be true. My mind is my enemy and sometimes I want to fight it hard. But that's what I work on by conquering fears, by exposing myself to them in therapy. Fear is real, but it isn't. That's so strange, right? When you are afraid of something, it feels like there is something that you need to protect yourself from. I worry obsessively about what safeguards I need to take. If I'm dying, do I need to take more vitamins? That doesn't make sense but my brain thinks it is helping me. Stop it, brain! You are not helping. You are making me feel more out of control. I'm not into it. I'm not feeling you. I want to run far away from your nonsense. I often imagine a world in which I was not afraid, an alternate universe where everything is pleasant and [...]
You can’t live in the future when you’re stuck in the past
I'm writing this for you. I've written it and deleted it several times. I'm afraid to say what I want to say. I'm always scared, but I say what I want to say anyway. I'm not frightened of what we are as opposed to what we were. I embrace it. There are wounds, there's messiness, there are things that don't make sense. It doesn't have to make sense. Stop trying to think your way out of something that is emotional. Logic doesn't get you anywhere when it comes to feelings. I don't ignore what's in front of me, that's not who I am. Usually, I'm about guidance. But it's not getting me anywhere this time. Therapist or psychiatrist, what's the difference? Shoemaker or corner store cashier? I don't care. They don't know the answer. I'm stronger than I've been behaving. That person, that wasn't me. I'm tired of saying "I'm sorry." I want to erase what went wrong. I was afraid of the thing that I wanted the most. I am sorry about that, but I've already said that. I'm not afraid anymore. I remember who I am. I'm writing this for me, who I am, I know her. She is [...]
I Blame You
I blame you for what you did. Whatever it was, you're wrong. I don't care if I had a part in it. It's 100 percent your fault. Despite what anyone including my therapist says, it isn't in any way whatsoever related to my choices. It was all you; you're selfish, you're mean, you held a carrot above my head and pretended it was a salad. It was a disappointing salad because it was just a carrot. Why did you lie to me? You're a liar. Again, it's entirely your fault. I did nothing; there are no shades of gray. There is only black and white. Nope, not even two colors. There's only one color and it's blue. I refuse to play a role in this situation, this dynamic. I'm infallible, not capable of doing wrong, majestic, and I sit on my throne with a cheese sandwich. You can't have any of it. You didn't share your ice cream sandwich with me, which once again makes you entirely in the wrong. I do everything right. I don't know if you're aware but I'm a beautiful person who never gets food stains on her dress and I always brush my teeth. I [...]
The Anxiety Cage
Is it me or is it anxiety? I can't tell. I'd like to say I knew the difference, but that wouldn't be true. Anxiety has a way of holding my mind in a trap. It can't get out or even move. It wonders and obsesses over one thought over and over again, a feedback loop, needing an escape. It wants to breathe, to move on, get out of that trapped place, but it can't. Anxiety won't set my mind free. Instead, it lingers over the cage, dangling the key, taunting my mind. It wants me to know that it won't relent or give me a chance to catch my breath. It won't excuse me so I can use the restroom. I just want to sit in the stall, hiding. Not even using the bathroom. It's so quiet in there, but I don't get that break. I'm listening to the same words of the same line of the same thought repeating over and over again, haunting me. Is this what I feel or is it anxiety? It's anxiety, but anxiety has convinced me that it's how I feel. But how I feel is afraid, frozen, waiting to find the answers to [...]
I Want to Renew Myself Like a Library Book
I want to renew myself like a library book. I'm tired, I'm not done reading myself, and I definitely need more time. But, I also need some care. My pages are worn and...you know what? This analogy isn't working for me. Let's try another one: I want to publish an updated version of myself, volume 2,3,4, or maybe even 7. Is it a different color? I'm not sure. I know that I'm outdated and I need a tuneup. No, that's not working for me either, not the right literary comparison. What am I trying to say here? I guess that's the point. I'm burnt out, tired, I want to sleep for 87 days. There's too much, my head is hanging low, I want a nap, but I just keep going like the Energizer bunny. Is that life? It probably is. I want the chance to feel new again, have someone heal me, or fix me. That doesn't exist though, because we have to heal ourselves. Even if we're seeing someone else, the onus to get better fall on you and me. Whoever is reading this, I believe you can heal. There have been so many times in my life where [...]
How Are You? I’m Fine. No I’m Not. I Just Got My Period.
When someone asks me how I am, I usually give an honest answer. If I'm not okay, I say something like "having a hard day." But typically I tend to overshare and say something that makes the person laugh, even if it's surprising or seeming inappropriate. "How are you?" "Well, I just got my period, so I'm doing great!" Sarcasm goes a long way with folks. Life is hard sometimes and making people laugh is something I enjoy doing. So if you ask me how I'm doing, be prepared for an honest answer. I might not even know what's going to come out of my mouth, but hey, that's the fun of life. Keep the people guessing and use humor when possible. As a Jew, I tend to use a self-deprecating sense of humor. Making fun of myself somehow brings me joy. It's good to have a sense of humor about one's flaws, because if you can't laugh at yourself then you might not know who you are well enough. Then there are times when I don't feel like oversharing. Maybe I'm going through a rough time and I want to forget about it for five minutes since I've been [...]