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Blog 2017-08-30T17:30:57+00:00

The Internet is Like High School

I just came back from BlogHer 16, which was a fantastic experience. I won Voices of The Year, and was able to read my blog post about being disabled in front of a largely supportive group of my peers. That was a fantastic experience. However, I won't pretend that my interactions with everyone at the conference were full of rainbows and happiness. I am a mostly friendly person, who is overly anxious and enthusiastic about life. I talk to everyone and have no filter. I'm aware that my personality doesn't go with everyone's, but I make a concerted effort to be understanding and nice to the people around me hoping against hope that they like me. That being said, when I compliment someone on their outfit and they have no visible emotion on their face when they say "thank you" and they cannot make eye contact with me, it feels like they are dissing me. When I try to talk to you, and you give me monosyllabic answers and look at your shoes, I'm going to go ahead and assume that you hate my guts, which reminds me so much of my high school experience. I'm not cool, I'll never be cool [...]

By | August 12th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on The Internet is Like High School

The Story Isn’t Over

The story isn't over. There's an intermission and I'm hungry but there isn't a concession stand. I have to listen to the grumbling in my stomach for this indeterminable amount of time. I'm tired, starving and probably dehydrated. How long is the intermission? It doesn't say on the program. Nobody seems to know. They are all busy talking to each other and laughing about how it might end or should end. I don't want it to end. I thought it was going to go on forever. It feels great to watch it unfold and see the nuances. The creases in his smile, the way he sounds when he laughs subtlety, just enough to let me know that he got the joke, I want to see those parts. It's over temporarily and I don't know when Act II begins. Nobody wants to talk to me about Act I anymore. They said they've seen it and it's great, but they're ready for the second part. They are patiently waiting. I'm impatiently waiting. I'm fucking hungry damn it. I didn't know this intermission was going to take so long. I remember the part of the play when they stood together on stage and [...]

By | August 2nd, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on The Story Isn’t Over

What I Want Matters

I ordered sushi for lunch today. I was too tired to make anything and I wanted to treat myself because I deserve it. When it arrived it had two kinds of rolls, one of them was an Alaska Roll and the other one was something that I didn't recognize. Apparently I had ordered this kind of roll before because I clicked "re-order" on my delivery dot com order. I started to eat my lunch and I thought I'll try this mystery roll because it's here anyway. As soon as I bit into the roll I thought: I hate this. It's gross. Then I thought: I should eat it because I paid for it. I sat with that for a moment and then I was interrupted by my mind, which said: Fuck that! I don't have to eat that shit. It's gross and I don't like it and just because I paid for it doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my taste buds and happiness to eat some shit that I find reprehensible. Then I realized something deeper about this encounter. I do this in my life frequently. I feel as if I should do something. I should sacrifice my own [...]

By | August 1st, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on What I Want Matters

Truth

When the truth is told and you hear it but you don't really hear it. Then you hear it so hard that your ears burn. They are on fire with the words. You hear so much truth that your stomach feels like it's going to explode with the root of the problem. Only there isn't a problem because you are the problem. You have put yourself in a position where the only solution is to stop talking. You aren't good at being silent because you talk A LOT and words come so easily and freely and you thought you were wanted but it turns out you are actually someone else. You don't really know who you are. I don't know who I am and all I want to do is eat ice cream and not feel anymore. That's what happens when you love so hard that you forget yourself. All this time I've been talking about you and I actually mean me. I am not the person I thought I was. That person fell down on the road and there's a gaping hole in her leg. What happened? She didn't think before she leapt into something that made no sense. [...]

By | July 30th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Truth

He Didn’t See The Rainbow, But I Did – Part 2

Evan did always know what Bryan was thinking. Whether he was scared, sad, or angry, Evan could read Bryan's thoughts. It was both comforting and disarming at once. One day they were walking in the woods, near their house. Bryan stopped in his tracks. Evan turned to him and said: "I know you're afraid. But there aren't any bears in this part of the woods." Bryan was irritated. He was comforted by the fact that Evan knew what he was thinking, but wanted to keep his fears and secrets to himself. He didn't articulate any of these thoughts to his brother. They kept walking down the dirt trail. They were headed in the direction of the waterfall. There was a cliff that Evan wanted to climb. As they were walking Bryan had second thoughts about the whole excursion. "I'm not sure I can make it to the top." Bryan confessed. "I'm afraid of heights." Evan laughed, and moved his fingers through the grey streak in his hair, pushing it aside like it was a nuisance to him. "You need to face that fear, bro. I'll be there with you." Bryan didn't say anything. He swallowed audibly and sighed. He knew that [...]

By | July 3rd, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on He Didn’t See The Rainbow, But I Did – Part 2

He Didn’t See The Rainbow, But I Did – Part 1

Evan and Bryan were two brothers who did everything together. They were twins, both age 15. Evan was adventurous and Bryan was shy. They were brothers but also close. Evan loved to rock climb, walk in the woods, go swimming in waterfalls and drag his brother on all of these excursions. Bryan was more cautious than his twin brother, but he admired his audacity and appetite for life. Evan wanted more for Bryan. He wanted him to come out of his shell, to experience the world. It was harder for Bryan to do these things freely. He was scared of everything, bugs, people, even going outside terrified him. The only way he was able to do anything was with Evan by his side. Though they were twins, they looked completely different from one another. Evan had one blue eye and one brown eye. Bryan's eyes were both grey, but they looked blue in a certain light. Evan had brown hair with a single strand of grey in it, at the front. He looked a little like a skunk. It was odd that a 15 year old had a grey streak in his hair, but going grey early ran in their family. Bryan [...]

By | June 30th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on He Didn’t See The Rainbow, But I Did – Part 1

I’m Writing Things Even If They Don’t Make Sense or No One Cares

I care. I think we can all agree that I care a lot. Kind of like the Care Bears. Sometimes I even care too much. I like writing on here because it lets me see what my brain looks like on "paper." I said "paper" in quotes because this is definitely not paper. It's a computer screen, or a phone, or a tablet or whatever the fuck you are reading this on. I doubt anyone is actually reading this except for maybe me. Whatever, who cares? OH I DO! I forgot that I actually care. So I'm writing a young adult novel (sort of, maybe it's more like New Adult) but it's about two teenagers who are in love. The guy is a graffiti artist. The girl doesn't know where he is most of the time or if he's in jail. It's like a forbidden romance. I need to do research into what it's like to be a graffiti artist because I have no idea about the language used in that world. Side note I am pretending to be normal and go on with my life like nothing is happening in my brain that is sad but in reality I [...]

By | June 29th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m Writing Things Even If They Don’t Make Sense or No One Cares

I Don’t Think This is a Blog Post But Fuck It

I want to write something profound and wonderful and also funny. But I have writing blue balls or limp writing dick. Why is everything about penises? I'm not sure. I have a lot of feelings about the things that are going on in my life but I don't want to articulate them in a way that is coherent because I am tired of being vulnerable. It's exhausting and terrifying and I need to lay down and rest my head and not think for a while. I want a big giant bed with flannel sheets and a white down comforter and some hot chocolate. I want to lay down there and not think about anything real. I don't want to feel anymore. I feel things too intensely and for too long and I can't turn my brain off. I'm tired. All I can listen to is sad music, because apparently that is all that I own on ITunes. I miss having a Disc Man. I am stuck in the 90s. Pain is an annoyance to feel. Emotional pain is the worst kind of pain ever. It's not the kind of pain you can take Motrin for. Sorry Motrin, you don't get [...]

By | June 28th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , , |Comments Off on I Don’t Think This is a Blog Post But Fuck It

Guest Post – Always Unstable Was My Dream

Always Unstable Was My Dream By Meghan Schultz When I was in school I wanted to be a lot of things, a nurse, an undertaker (weird for a child, I know), a painter, a concert pianist, a writer. But then for a long time I didn’t want to be or do anything. Depression took away my hopes for the future, all of my dreams, all of my drive to try. I thought that I would amount to nothing, that I was useless and couldn’t do anything. I convinced myself of that. I was convinced of that for a very long time. Even during mania, I didn’t have dreams for the future as my dreams and hobbies changed so drastically and so often. But eventually I started to think not so much of the future, but of things I might like to do. And I chose writing. I’ve managed to stick to it through mania and depression. Although each episode changes how I write. A little over a year ago I started my blog, Always Unstable and I’ve kept with it all this time. I’m so proud of myself for that, I’m also proud that I’ve started something that people actually [...]

By | June 27th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , |Comments Off on Guest Post – Always Unstable Was My Dream

The Nothing Train to Nowhere Part 12 – END

I sat in the seat next to the weird elderly man with the dusty hat. I cried and cried. I could stop those tears from coming. Even after he told me to put the past away I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't didn't. It was the book and we were supposed to write it together but he'd left me. Wait. Who is he? There's a he? I didn't know his name. It was starting to come back to me. I knew there was a man. But I couldn't picture his face or who he was. All I knew is that he shattered me into a million pieces kind of like Noah's Ark. Did that even happen? Did Noah's Ark shatter? I don't know. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine his face. This man who had taken everything from me. I couldn't get there. Softly, slowly, easily, I fell asleep. The train was slow and steady on the way to Nowhere. It was a relief to rest my eyes and my soul. I missed him, whoever he was. He was somehow a part of me. I shot awake. The train slowed. We were approaching the station, the destination, Nowhere. I couldn't [...]

By | June 24th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere Part 12 – END

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part 11

I stood at the train station waiting. There were so many pigeons to talk to. One of them told me her name was Amelia and she had 11 pigeon children, but they didn't talk to her anymore. They all flew away to different places. And there was nothing I could do to comfort her. She wouldn't listen to my advice. I was so hungry. The pigeons were generous with their food rations. There were bread crumbs they'd been gifted that they shared with me. I was grateful and I accepted their charity. "Excuse me, miss?" A man's voice startled me. "Yes?" "Where is the closest grocery store?" He asked. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. "I don't know. I don't know anything." "Do you know your name?" I couldn't remember my name. I decided it was time to name myself. So I decided upon Julia. It was the only name I could remember. There were so many famous Julias to emulate, as I mentioned to you before; whoever you are. Are you out there reading this? I know you are and you care. You care that I find my identity. I know you do. "Julia." I said blushing. "Thank [...]

By | June 23rd, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part 11

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Ten

The path to Nowhere was winding. It lead me down the mountain and into the deep valley below. I was wearing my white Converse, which weren't ideal hiking shoes. But I had to make due with what I had. It was a long way to Nowhere, apparently. I carefully maneuvered my way down the trail. I didn't want to trip and fall. It was a long way down that mountain and if I tripped I wouldn't survive.  Slowly, calculated, my movements matched my thought patterns. I didn't know who I was, what my name was, where I was, but I knew where I was going: to Nowhere. After some considerable effort, with sweat dripping down my brow, I reached the bottom of the mountain. I breathed a deep breath in through my nose and released it through my mouth. I made it. I looked up to the top of the enormous overreacting mountain. It peered down at me, cowering over me, haunting me with its gaze. I knew it was time to keep going before it swallowed me whole with its sadness. There was something profoundly sad at the peak of that mountain, but I couldn't quite articulate what that [...]

By | June 21st, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Ten

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Nine

I stopped to catch my breath. I looked up and there I was, at the top of the most beautiful mountain I'd ever seen. I don't think I'd ever been to the mountains in fact. I couldn't be sure, because I wasn't sure of anything. I suddenly couldn't remember any of it. Where was I? I didn't know. I didn't know anything. What was my name? I couldn't...stop...thinking...but I needed to stop. I needed to stop it somehow. There were blank thoughts and words and quotations, and somehow there I was in the midst of a sentence that had no meaning. I felt them coming again, or for the first time, I couldn't be sure. The tears came hard, fast, strong, and I realized that it wasn't raining anymore. I was crying, but the rain was not falling from the clouds. I collapsed to the ground at the base of the peak of this mountain. The valley beneath me, the sky above me and my body stationary in the fetal position. There I was. I could see myself from above. Disassociated, scattered, broken, confused and scared. I cried hard tears and waited for the pain to stop. But it just [...]

By | June 20th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Nine

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Eight

I woke up feeling contented. I didn't want to move. He was still asleep. We were both naked on the dirt. Waiting for the right moment to move. He was entirely mine and I was entirely his. The minute I moved, the second I unfroze my body, the moment I became disentangled in his embrace...boom! Lightning struck. I moved. That was the causation. He awoke from his slumber. "What happened?" He asked "I don't know." I said startled. The storm has started. I looked to the mountains. They seemed so far. I didn't know where my clothes were. I couldn't find them. Nothing was as it seemed. I rolled over slightly and toward my love. "Hey," I said reaching to stroke his back. "Who are you?" He asked staring through me. His eyes were a stark shade of grey. I didn't recognize this color. I'd seen his eyes change several shades, but not to this one. I felt a chill move through me. Part of this was because it was cold outside. The rain had started to come. I moved my legs closer to me. I needed to get warm and fast. "What?" I asked him. I could feel them start to [...]

By | June 19th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Eight

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Seven

I wanted to understand what he meant. He pointed to the mountain range confidently, like he knew what our destiny was. He did know. He was ready for me and I was ready for him. He turned to me and looked me deep in my green eyes. "Let me reintroduce myself as a man with a cause." He said. I smiled. He moved closer to me and continued to undress me, slowly, carefully, with his fingers and his love. He removed my shorts and tossed them to the side. I felt his chest press into me as he gently pushed me to soft brown dirt. He was above me and I was beneath him. I looked into his deep blue eyes as they turned to grey. I could feel him inside me, pressing into me. "Do you know how much I want you?" He asked "How much?" I asked. "More than I can express. More than you will ever know. I need you, I crave you, I breathe you." I said. I looked into his eyes and breathed him in. We were one. We were together and nothing and no one could break that. The universe was right. It listened [...]

By | June 18th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Seven
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