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Blog 2017-08-30T17:30:57+00:00

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Five

"University of Your Mind?" I asked the blonde man as we rode down in the eerily silent elevator. My face was still flushed from yelling at James and his stupid ponytail. The blonde blue-eyed man looked at me with a ice cold gaze and said: "What do you think it means?" "I...don't know." I replied slowly. There was something about this man that made me uncomfortable. He looked like he was in his early 20's, but had a boyish face. He looked apathetic and emotionless, yet there was something fascinating about him. I wanted to know more about him. The elevator began to slow and stop. "What's your name?" I asked the stoic blond man. "Love is a hell you cannot bear." He replied. "What?" I said furrowing my brow. "My name is not important." He replied. "Come with me." He insisted. I had no choice but to follow him. The elevators opened and we were in the marble lobby of James' building. "I want to show you something beautiful." He said meeting my eyes with his icy blue gaze. Chills entered my body in my eyes and flowed down into me. He reached out his hand and took mine without [...]

By | June 13th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Five

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Four

It's too late. I can't remember any of it.  I thought as I sat silently, solemnly next to the elderly man on the cool train to Nowhere. Six hours and thirty minutes left to get to Nowhere. I closed my eyes and tried to remember being in the woods. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth like James, my mindfulness meditation teacher had taught me. My eyes shot open - I remembered him! James, my meditation teacher. He was the last stop before I walked into those woods. It was a Wednesday evening and I went to see him before...before...I couldn't remember. But it was 6:35 pm. I was five minutes late to our mindfulness class. I'd been working with James for four months. Despite his pleas for me to be punctual to class, I was consistently five-ten minutes late to class. "Louise, you understand that when you come late to class your chakras are already misaligned. It takes me longer to help you get centered." James said visibly annoyed with me. Wait, what did he say? He said "Louise." That's my name. My name isn't Julia; it's Louise. I know my name.  "I'm sorry, James. I'm [...]

By | June 5th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Four

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Four

How could I "put the past away?" I wondered. By the time I'd gotten to the dark train station, there wasn't much left of my past. I'd forgotten my "real name." I was Julia now. He took all that from me. He ripped me of my innocence. He stole what was once mine and I forgot my body, my name, my blood type and where I lived. I can't tell you where I'm from because he took all of it from me and I will never get it back. But the old man told me to put the past away. I don't have a drawer for my past. Here I was sitting on this train headed to Nowhere and there was no past file cabinet. Do they make storage containers for the past? I'd like one of those. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone what happened to me that night in the woods. The good thing is that I can't remember where those woods were or if they were even real. They were real in my mind when he took everything I had and made it his. I can't remember his face. If I could only remember his face then I [...]

By | June 3rd, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Four

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Three

I cried so hard that I could see. I wiped the tear festival from my eyes and took a deep breath in. I could feel the coolness of the artificial train air conditioning on my face solidifying my tears against my face. I briefly glanced out the window again only to see that it had become morning. I'd been crying for long that the next day had happened. There was a deep green path outside with no human beings anywhere. No telling where I was or where we were going. Nothing I knew to be true was true. I didn't even have a name. Julia was something I named myself because I'd forgotten everything about myself. I had no purse, no backpack, no ID. So here I was on this train headed to Nowhere. I'd lost myself and I could figure out how to get her back. All I could do is go. It was time for me to find out who I was and I figured that Nowhere was just as good a place as any to do that. Plus there were no scheduled trains coming after the train to Nowhere. "What are you reading?" I asked the elderly [...]

By | May 31st, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Three

The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Two

I closed my eyes and relaxed in the hard plastic red seat. The elderly man next to me was reading a newspaper, or at least I think he was. My eyes were closed and I could hear the rustling of papers. I could only assume that he was shuffling through a newspaper. It was crisp and clean, the way he shuffled his paper. It would be a long time before I got to Nowhere, and I just wanted to sleep. I rearranged my body in several different positions; put my legs against my chest in the seat. It was hard to get comfortable. I was wearing green khaki shorts and a white tee-shirt and the train was severely air conditioned. It made sense, since we were in the middle of the summer, but my legs were cold as ice. I opened my eyes for a moment and shoved my bare legs under my tee-shirt. It was a last ditch attempt to finagle some warmth. Upon opening my eyes I glanced over at the elderly man who was immersed in reading his paper. The story he was reading must be exciting, I thought. I looked down at the top of the [...]

By | May 30th, 2016|Categories: The Nothing Train to Nowhere|Tags: |Comments Off on The Nothing Train to Nowhere – Part Two

The Nothing Train to Nowhere

I got on the Nothing Train. It had a sign but the sign was blank. It was a blank yellow sign that didn't even flash. Still I got on because it was there. I stepped one sneaker after the other onto the train car. I was wearing my white converse that day. It was a Wednesday and I had nowhere to be so I got on the Nothing Train to headed to Nowhere. I sat down in the first red seat I saw. An elderly man wearing a black fedora was sitting in the seat beside me - it was a green seat. The seats on the Nothing Train were red, green, red, green, red, green. Stop, go, stop go. The Nothing Train closed its doors and prepared to leave the station. I knew deep down inside that this train wasn't going where I needed to go. But I didn't care, because I needed to get out of where I was. The station was dirty and it was dark outside. I knew there was no way I was going to survive if I stayed there any longer. I didn't have any food left and the pigeons were starting to look [...]

By | May 28th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|1 Comment

Compassion

I thought a lot about the post  I wrote the other day. I was in an exasperated state. When you have children you try your best to be a good parent. That was a hard day for me. My daughter was throwing a massive tantrum and I just wanted it to end. I also wanted compassion from the people around me in that moment, which is probably unreasonable since the people in the coffee shop were strangers and don't know me on a personal level. However, the flack that I got for writing that post was harsh. I was told that I had a personality disorder (NPD) and needed therapy. I was informed that my card as a feminist should be removed I was told that someone was there in the store and that I didn't discipline my child at all I was informed that I am a bad parent Is this necessary? I don't feel that my post warranted such harsh criticisms. I wrote that post in the heat of the moment. I wanted to show that there is a cultural problem. We don't try to help one another out. When I see someone struggling with New York geography, [...]

By | May 28th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , |1 Comment

You Don’t Have to Like Me

It's okay if you don't like me. Really it is. I have a problem where I want everyone to like me. It's seriously a problem. I think it's called being a human being. I don't know how to get over this problem. The only solution I have is to articulate this sentence: I do not have to be liked by everyone. It is okay when someone doesn't like me. Not everyone likes everyone. So I'm going to be okay with you not liking me, whoever you are.  

By | May 27th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on You Don’t Have to Like Me

To the millennial employees who just kicked me out of the fancy coffee shop because my 5 year old was losing her shit – i can’t fucking WAIT till you have kids.

This story started as a Facebook post. "To the millennial employees who just kicked me out of the fancy coffee shop because my 5 year old was losing her shit - i can't fucking WAIT till you have kids." I wrote this status because this actually happened to me and my daughter in a store on Smith Street and 2nd Place called Milk Bar. If you ever go there, I highly recommend the sparkling water - it costs $1.63 and comes in a beautiful blue bottle. Every time I buy it I feel like a princess as I sip on on it. My name "Sarah," actually means princess in Hebrew. Okay, enough with the tangents. Let's get to the story; the terrible story. After school, I took my kids to Milk Bar for two sparkling waters. My kids sat on two stools as I collected the magical bottles of sparkling goodness and split one of them between my son (8) and my daughter (5). Naturally, because my daughter is a child, she spills things frequently. Today, she decided to spill her sparkling water intentionally on the stool in order to make a "lake" for her stuffed monkey to swim in. She [...]

By | May 26th, 2016|Categories: Anecdotes|Tags: |Comments Off on To the millennial employees who just kicked me out of the fancy coffee shop because my 5 year old was losing her shit – i can’t fucking WAIT till you have kids.

Angel Isn’t Evil – He’s in Love

On the series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel (Angelus) turns evil after experiencing one moment of true happiness when he makes love to Buffy. For those of you that don't know the story, I'll break it down for you: Angel is a 200 plus year old vampire who tortured and maimed several human beings. He was known for being especially malicious to his victims psychologically.   Angelus murdered a young gypsy girl and this time he went too far. The tribe of gypsies cursed him with a soul. This meant that he was aware of every terrible act he had committed over the years. He could no longer carelessly kill human beings, because the thought of hurting anyone else made him physically ill. And he's a vampire. Oh snap! That sucks dude. I'm sorry. Instead of feasting on live humans, homeboy subsisted on O Positive bags that he got from Sunnydale Hospital. Hey man, whatever works. Angelus turned into Angel when he was given a soul. BYE BYE EVIL VILLAIN. Now he's gotta be a wimp. Many Buffy fans think that Angel is way less interesting than Angelus and they are right. Angel is kind of a dip shit. Angelus is [...]

By | May 18th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Angel Isn’t Evil – He’s in Love

Be In Me

Touch me again. Hold me close. Be in me. I feel your skin. Everything is horrible and wonderful wrapped up in a hurricane. You're my drug. I breathe you in and feel you inside me. Warmth and exhilaration resonates through my body. Starting inside my chest and pouring all the way down out me. You don't know what you do to me. You may never never know.

By | May 17th, 2016|Categories: Poems|Tags: |Comments Off on Be In Me

The Fine Art of Pushing Men Away

I don't want to write this because if I write this I admit that I have a problem. I'm not a drinker or drug addict, that is not my problem. Though I used to work in a residential treatment facility, so I know many nice recovered addicts. Anyway, the point is, I have a problem. When a man starts to get close to me, I freak out and I push him away. I do this in a variety of creative self-destructive ways. But this shit is getting  old, and I (too) am getting older. I'm 36 years old and I don't want to be alone forever. I need to stop pushing real men that like me away. This is sad sad sad. That is not an actual sentence and i don't even care. That "I" wasn't capitalized but I am too busy crying to go back and capitalize it. What the hell is wrong with me? I must have relationship PTSD. I have regular PTSD, so it's not surprising that I would have another form of PTSD. I can't do this anymore. It's not that simple though. I can't just "stop pushing people away." I need to figure out what [...]

By | May 10th, 2016|Categories: love|Tags: , , , |Comments Off on The Fine Art of Pushing Men Away

Ripped Open

Ripped open raw tiny shards of glass infiltrate my chest and I can't stop looking down.   The blood pours poorly It is slow and it is painful and I don't want to hear your voice again because it reminds me that I can never be right in your eyes.   What does it mean to you? You chose to block my words because you can't handle the truth and so I shouldn't need not can't blame you for your purposeful silence.   I do blame you because you know how he hurts me and you choose to pretend that I am crazy.   I am raw and real and a little bit broken but I am also a human being and I won't let you control the way I feel think act do.   Broken is better than blind. I can see through the tears and they stream down my face and the blood pours poorly slowly to the ground from my chest cavity. I don't want you to notice except that I do want you to notice and hold me tightly in your arms like you used to. Will you do that? Will you be there like a [...]

By | May 8th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Ripped Open

I wrote a post about sexuality and misogynists came out to remind me about rape culture

I wrote a post about female sexuality. That was my first mistake. I posted it on the Internet, that was mistake number 2. I read the comments that was mistake number 3. I started to go deep down into the rabbit hole. There was a comment on Facebook where one reader actually called me a narcissist and I completely fucking lost it. I am someone who cares deeply for other people. I run a mental health non-profit organization. I will give you the shirt off my back. I love people and I care vehemently about helping them. When this douchebag called me a narcissist I wanted to scream and cry and that is what I did. I went into my bed and cried hard. Granted it's not the only reason I cried yesterday. I have been dealing with a bunch of other life shit but that tipped me over the edge. It's difficult to write the way that I write and be vulnerable and transparent. I sometimes have to force myself to purge the words that I am afraid to say. It's important to me to write candidly because for many years I was used to repressing emotions. I didn't speak [...]

By | May 8th, 2016|Categories: feminism, sex|Tags: , , , |Comments Off on I wrote a post about sexuality and misogynists came out to remind me about rape culture

How to Order a Phone From @Verizon in 2016 – It’s NOT EASY

I have had the iPhone 4S since the prehistoric times. Me and my cavemen friends sat around a fire that they made from sticks and I searched for an outlet to charge my phone. They couldn't speak real words, so my phone died.     I decided that it was time to get a new phone because my phone was dead after using it for five minutes. I reached out to Verizon using a "land line" that one of the cavemen directed me to. After putting my phone number into the "system," Verizon asked me for my pin. I put that in also. A representative materialized and he asked me to repeat everything I just put into the "system." I was infuriated but I did it. He then asked me what I wanted. So I told him I wanted a new phone. He told me I could pay for it monthly for 27 dollars if I gave Verizon 78 dollars up front. I just so happened to have 78 dollars that day. So I decided to go for it. ISN'T THIS STOEY SO EXCITING?  I got my debit card out and I was ready to pay for the taxes. HOLD [...]

By | May 5th, 2016|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on How to Order a Phone From @Verizon in 2016 – It’s NOT EASY
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