Blog 2017-08-30T17:30:57+00:00

The Depression Diet

I have been on a diet lately. It's an impromptu diet as in I didn't plan for it. I don't have a great appetite right now and I find that I am forcing myself to eat. I'm accepting that this is the way things are right now. It comes along with depression for me. Some people over eat and others under-eat. Oh well, fuck it, that's what's up with my mind and body. I've 10 lbs unintentionally and even though I needed to lose a weight, I'm not particularly happy about this. But the worst part of this is that people find the need to tell me how awesome it is that I've lost weight. Here's the problem with doing that: I don't like when they comment about how many lbs I'm displaying. I didn't intend to lose this weight in the way that I did and when they say I lost weight it reminds me of the fact that I'm feeling like shit. Damn BUT WHAT IF THEY MEANT IT IN A NICE WAY? Well sure, it isn't like they wanted to be insensitive and probably they were thinking it was a compliment. But when someone tells me I lost [...]

By | August 2nd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on The Depression Diet

Believing and NOT giving up

It's been hard not to give up lately. I have a shirt that says Don't Give Up. When I am sad (or depressed) It 's hard not to give up. But I know that I have no other option. I have to keep going. One thing that helps me to persevere is being thankful. That is hard when I am feeling low, but I know that ultimately it will help me. Here is a gratitude list to help me remember not to give up: I have supportive friends and family I am healthy I have two healthy beautiful smart kids I have great pets (cats and a dog) I'm a successful writer I am funny I help people I created a community to help people with mental illness - Stigma Fighters I'm tenacious I am a good mom I make things happen in seemingly impossible situations I'm a good speaker I motivate people I make friends easily I forget the good things when I am low and it's so easy to do that. Making lists of the things I am grateful helps me to feel better, even if it's just a momentary thing. I'll take that moment of peace rather than [...]

By | July 31st, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Believing and NOT giving up

Thoughts Roll In

Lost in thought, wondering how I can find the road back to where I am supposed to go. There's no supposed to. We enter this world with no instructions and we live according to our brains or our hearts. I admire people who listen to their brain over their heart. I lead with emotions, which gets me into trouble. I'm trying to balance though two things better. Sometimes (often actually) I don't know what to do about a particular thing and so I turn to my heart and it has a tendency to lead me astray. This happens when my ears are closed. If I could just listen better and not believe what I want to believe. Listen to what people tell me. It's hard to hear things that hurt sometimes. Unfortunately, you're not going to like everything you hear. I'm not going to like everything I hear. It's difficult to proceed when you feel like your feelings aren't heard, and this happens to me often. I'm sure it isn't personal and that other people don't feel heard. I work hard to hear others and I sincerely hope that they reciprocate and listen to my voice. Sometimes (like now for instance) [...]

By | July 28th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Thoughts Roll In

Do you ever not know how you feel?

Do you ever not know how you feel? I have that weird feeling sometimes and it sincerely bothers me. I think it's because I am so used to emoting that it irritates me when I can't figure out how I'm feeling. When I can't determine what I'm feeling and why I'm stumped. That's the thing about feelings is that you can't break them down on a logical level. They are free flowing globs of slime and they do what they are going to. Maybe it's not fair to call feelings slime. When I think of slime I am reminded of "You Can't Do That on Television." And if you think about that show, you'll remember that the slime was preceded by when someone said: "I don't know." So maybe my analogy about feelings sort of works. If you don't know what you're feeling you're covered in slime. I'm a fucking genius. It's like you don't know what you feel and you're rewarded by slime. That's sort of awesome. But feelings aren't slime; they are created by your mind. Everyone's mind is different and I know this because a neurologist confirmed this when I got a brain MRI once. After the [...]

By | July 23rd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Do you ever not know how you feel?

If depression could speak

If depression could speak it would say hurtful things. It would tear you down with words. When you tried to interrupt depression it wouldn't let you because it would overpower the conversation. Depression would talk to you until it realized what your Achilles' heel was. Depression's voice would be low and intimidating. If you took stock in what depression said you could come up with depression quotes. That's the thing about depression; it has a sense of grandiosity. It believes that its better than you, but it's totally not. It overcompensates for its insecurities by standing up taller than you. It talks down to you, making you believe that you are a terrible person. Depression tells you lies about yourself and wants you to believe those lies at face value. Look in the mirror and ask yourself "is depression right? Do these statements have any truth to them?" They don't, and they probably make you feel angry. It's all right to be angry with depression because depression is a thoughtless insensitive entity that pretends to know you. It pokes at your soft vulnerable underbelly and makes you question what is real and true. When you find yourself in the fetal [...]

By | July 22nd, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on If depression could speak

I want to give my feelings to the feelings store

I have too many feelings. I want to give them to the feelings store. Do you know if the feelings store takes donations? I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm frustrated, and a whole bunch of other shit that I can't remember. That's the thing, I can't actually remember a lot of things including how I'm actually feeling. I do know that I have a lot of feelings that I don't want and I'm searching for a feelings store that I can donate them to. I'm sure there are people who have few feelings due to a feelings deficiency and they could use some extra ones. There are some of us that have a plethora of feelings, and we can donate them to those individuals. It's important to charitably give things to others in need. Think of the people who want some extra emotions. Perhaps they have repressed their own feelings and they're looking to feel things on a deeper level. Unfortunately, there isn't a feelings store. I know right? I've been walking down the street trying to find out, and every time I ask anyone they tell me they've never heard of one or worse, they laugh. Dude, it's [...]

By | July 20th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , |Comments Off on I want to give my feelings to the feelings store

Depression is a Dick

Penises are great. They do great things. However, there is a colloquial expression where you refer to people who you don't like as "dicks." I'm here to tell you that depression is fucking dick. Depression is a dickhead or a dick, depending on how you feel in a given moment. When I call depression a dick, what I'm saying is that I don't like the way that I feel when I'm depressed. Depression doesn't care that it's hurting you, it doesn't mind that it's leaving you feeling powerless laying in bed crying angrily, frustrated that you can't fix yourself; upset that your problems are out of your control. Being afraid to call your therapist because you don't want to "bother anyone." You don't want to speak to your friends because you feel that they "won't get it" or they'll "judge you." I feel all of those things right now. I don't want to tell my friends what going on because I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of telling people that I'm down and them feeling like they need to "fix it." Depression isn't "fixable." It's something that you have to ride out, that I need to ride it out. I'm [...]

By | July 19th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Depression is a Dick

I Hear Me

He can't hear me but I have a voice and it is powerful, brave and strong and I stopped using it. It's still in there though. I am beautiful, I am brave, I am tenacious, and I know what I want. Sometimes I speak into my own microphone and talk to myself. I tell myself how I can make it. I remind myself how much I have endured and why this is an opportunity to grow and change. Some people insist that human beings don't change. I have learned, I have grown and I will continue to make great strides toward being the best version of me. I see you standing there and I don't have the obligation to heal you. I do want to heal me. That's what I want. It is necessary that I look inside myself and find the hardest strongest piece of me and hang onto it. Both hands tightly wrapped around this crystallized part of me. My eyes closed, praying, locked in meditation. Waiting for the moment when it is safe to open them. I can do this. I can feel those feelings that used to haunt me, terrify me, and now they don't scare [...]

By | July 14th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I Hear Me

I am Free

There was a time when I was imprisoned by myself. I could feel my hands on the bars and my heart stuck between them; I was not free. My heart was tangled in ropes. I couldn't stand up I was doubled over in pain. Stuck to my prison cell I did not know if I would ever get out. The length of my criminal sentence was unclear.  I put myself in this prison and I didn't allow myself an accurate time of how long I would be in this dirty dank cell. Part of me wanted to leave and part of me didn't know if it was possible to. My body and my mind hurt. I remember how the sun looked and almost how it tasted. I longed to chase the sun's rays and feel the warmth on my back. After some time I grew tired of sitting in the cell and I knew it was time to leave. But I didn't know how or when or why or who would get me out of there.I grew frustrated with sitting there not knowing when I would go. Wanting, yearning, needing to be with another. And then… It dawned on me [...]

By | June 24th, 2017|Categories: Anxiety|Comments Off on I am Free

Talking or Not

I feel the urge bubbling up inside my belly. I want to talk about all the things that are on my mind, but I don't want those things to overpower me. I don't want to become the things that are bothering me. They are like tiny little demons who want to consume my mind. If they materialize and make it from my stomach through my esophagus and out of my mouth, what will I say? I don't want to offend anyone, and I'm so good at that. It should be a special skill on a resume at this point. I know that I need to talk to someone and I'm crashing down out of this hot air balloon waiting for it to explode with words in my face. I'll have to catch those words or else they might find another candidate to bother and thrust my words upon. It's difficult to see outside of yourself. It's challenging to find how this will change me, what do I do if I talk? Who is listening to me besides BetterHelp ? Maybe a lot of people are. But it's not something I can quantify. I can only attest to the fact that I have [...]

By | June 20th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Talking or Not

Save Us

I tried to save us. Several times Maybe you didn't know or your hands were over your ears Perhaps you didn't want to hear me as we sat on that couch together listening to the therapist. I didn't want to hear you speak because I was so focused on telling you what my opinions were on our relationship. I refused to see through your lens. It wasn't my problem; it was yours. And I wanted to see you as an evil super villain when in reality, you are just a man. You are a man who I still love deeply, despite the fact that your eyes are closed and your heart is broken or tucked away in a box. It's like I can see you and you can't see me, and it's sad and heartbreaking and real. I've always known that you were kind. I've seen you be good with animals and children. That made my heart open and swell. It was like we were connected in this unspeakable way and I wanted to crawl inside that soft place. There were glimpses of that vulnerability that you showed me. Sometimes I could see it and other times I didn't want to [...]

By | June 15th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Save Us

How to Talk to Your Child About Mental Illness

My children (who are nine and six) know that I have anxiety and depression. They don't know those words, but I explain them in a child-friendly way when I am experiencing symptoms of each of those mental health issues. When I am anxious, I tell the kids "Mommy is feeling nervous right now. She needs to breathe for a moment." I verbalize my feelings so my kids are not afraid of what's going on. I think one of the best things you can do when talking to your kids about mental health issues is to be transparent. Transparency is key because children are incredibly perceptive and more than we give them credit for. They see and hear a lot of what we're up to and that includes our mental health issues. With depression it is tricky, and we need to be mindful that crying can be alarming to our kids. They may not understand why I am crying. I assure my kids that crying is a part of life. It's perfectly normal to experience sadness and let it out in the form of tears.  I am tender in the way that I explain depression to my kids. I say things like: "Mommy [...]

By | June 10th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , , , , |Comments Off on How to Talk to Your Child About Mental Illness

Be Better

Be Better I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better. My heart was still racing but I believe there is something to look forward to. No fuck that, I know there is something to look forward to. It lies within me. I am the master of my own destiny. I make the choices that contribute to me and my happiness. It does scare the shit out of me. I'm not going to lie. Lying. I've always been a terrible liar. And when I try to do it people seem to know. So I don't bother trying. Sometimes I will be silent, but I will not tell an untruth. Guilt. Feeling guilty is a waste of time. It doesn't mean that we can't feel those feelings because they happen organically. I want to be OK. And I know that one day I will feel that; even if it is just for a moment. And the reason that I know that is because I'm sitting here on my couch feeling OK in this moment. Everything and I mean everything is going to be all right. Bob Marley was onto something.

By | June 7th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Be Better

Out of the Cave and in to the Light

Cave I walk into the dark cavernous space holding my flashlight. I try to turn it on but the switch isn't working. It just keeps clicking and my feet start tapping nervously. He is lurking in the shadows of this space. I can hear the shore waves creeping up. The sand is wet outside and I close my eyes wishing that I could be immersed in the ocean so I didn't have to stand up anymore. He's there. But he doesn't say anything. My blood is hot and almost boiling and I can't move my feet because the light won't work and he doesn't love me anymore so what's the point of turning the light on anyway? If he sees me, he'll stare right through me. Even in the dark I know... He is looking through my face I don't matter anymore and I can't handle that. I feel the rage bubbling in my stomach and it runs through my veins. I feel electric, powerful and full of hope. My hand is on fire and the flashlight turns on. I drop it to the ground and shake trying to extinguish the fire. Then I feel it His arms wrap around [...]

By | June 6th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Out of the Cave and in to the Light

You’ve Never Sat on My Couch

You came to New York on my birthday - 10/17 in 2004. It had to mean something. It had to be a sign. People come into your life for a reason and I miss you. I'll never stop loving you and my whole body feels like broken glass. I don't think you can ever forgive me for how I treated you. But we were fire and fire together, and it exploded, which was sometimes great and other times overwhelming. And I blamed everything on you, which became an imbalance in our connection. I can't take it all back. I can't make it better. I can't fix things. I can't fix us. But I want to. I love you and those words- they mean something to me. The more you tell me you can't hear me and Implicitly say I don't matter, the more I can't feel my face from crying. I want to jump in a time machine and go back to 2014. I want to change that day that everything went to shit. I want to tell you I'm sorry, I'll be more patient. I won't try to make you talk when you don't want to. I won't be [...]

By | June 4th, 2017|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on You’ve Never Sat on My Couch
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