When I wanted to be depressed

I wanted to be depressed There was a time when I wanted to be depressed. It was comforting in a way, like a warm dirty blanket that you don't want to wash; it's gross but familiar. That's how I feel about depression, it's what I know, whether I "like" it, well, that's another story. I've been intimately familiar with depression since I was a teenager and had repetitive thoughts about cutting my wrists open. I never did it, but that intrusive thought plagued me on a daily basis until I started therapy. It didn't go away when I talked about it, but I began to understand it better. Oddly enough I never told my therapist about it directly, but I did tell her I was depressed and I couldn't eat. I let her know I was so anxious that I was going to die. She explained that my thoughts didn't mean that these things were going to happen. I became accustomed to depression. Depression followed me As an adult, I went through waves of depression. I went on Prozac at 18, but that didn't eliminate depression from my reality. It showed up at random times, but also predictable. At some point, I [...]

By |July 27th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on When I wanted to be depressed

Don’t count on me; I’m often wrong and annoying

I don’t have the answers Many people ask me what they should do. Sometimes I have great ideas; I don’t have all the answers. None of us do, which is why I can’t imagine working with a therapist who listens to me but doesn’t guide me on the road to my solutions. That’s why psychodynamic therapy wasn’t the best fit for me. Sometimes I resent having ADHD. It makes me angry. It's incredibly challenging for me to structure my day and maintain my commitments to people. I can't get anywhere on time or focus on things for longer than a few minutes. Focusing is my nemesis. I wish I could concentrate the way others do. I can hyperfocus, meaning tune everything out except the thing I'm doing at the moment, but if you put a mundane task in front of me, I cannot make myself do it; it hurts my brain. What I like about my therapist now is her to get me back on track when I stray from what I meant to discuss. Focusing on one topic at a time is challenging for people like me. When OCD symptoms, it’s different. I will focus on one thought over [...]

By |July 25th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Don’t count on me; I’m often wrong and annoying

Leading By Example When It Comes To Your Child

Leading By Example When It Comes To Your Child One common expression that you probably hear a lot when talking about children, especially younger ones, is that they’re “like a sponge“  This references the fact that young children are constantly learning how to act and what to do from what they see around them, and no one’s more likely to spend more time around them than you, their parents. Chances are that you can probably think of a ton of moments off the top of your head where you saw your child imitating something you said or did. Sometimes it’s charming, other times it can be embarrassing. But how do you go about leading by example the right way? One thing you may want to take a closer look at his how conscious you are about the nature of your interactions, whether it’s with the child themselves or with other people with them present. Something that you may do in the heat of the moment, like swearing, name-calling, or even something as simple as sticking your finger in their face, may be something that gets picked up later on. Remember, children don’t have the frame of reference that we do when it comes to what is [...]

By |July 24th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Leading By Example When It Comes To Your Child

People Ask Me For Advice And Get Mad

People Ask Me For Advice And Sometimes Get Mad My friends often asked me for advice because I care, I meant an empathetic individual, and I want to help them I genuinely want to see them do well. However sometimes when I give them my advice, they get angry. I am compassionate in the way that I deliver it however occasionally if I see somebody engaging in self-destructive behavior I’m not shy to let them know what I believe that that is. I’m not one of those people that gets upset if somebody doesn’t take my advice. However, I don’t understand people getting upset with me for giving information. It comes from a good place, and everyone is entitled to do what works for them because what works for me might not work for them Being a "good friend." I want to be a good friend, and I want to show them that I care, and part of that is listening to their problems and giving them the advice that I think will help them in the situation they’re experiencing that is causing them to feel the stress. Listening is incredibly valuable. You would be surprised at how much people [...]

By |July 23rd, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on People Ask Me For Advice And Get Mad

I’m On Stage Alone in My Relationships

I've been called intense too many times to count. Intense has a pejorative connotation much of the time. When people told me I was intense, it was usually in the context of my feelings being too much to handle. They felt I was a burden, exhausting, overwhelming and a lot of other unflattering adjectives that I can't recall at the moment. Why do people feel the need to tell other people that they're "too much person?" That's upsetting and hurtful, not to mention pointless. I'm not sure what the objective is; probably to make someone else feel guilty about having feelings. That's not what it is, and I'm too emotionally exhausted to try to speculate someone else's motivations. What I can tell you is that historically, I've been extremely vulnerable in romantic relationships with men. When I fall in love with a man, I can't help but open up and tell him everything about myself. It's both painful and freeing at once, much like a good massage; it hurts, but it feels good. I'm not good at selectively revealing information, and in fact, when I try to withhold my emotions, they'll come out in dysfunctional ways. I've abandoned the idea [...]

By |July 16th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m On Stage Alone in My Relationships

What’s right with the mental health system?

Where's my therapist? When I moved to Portland looked for a therapist. I wasn't hopeful that I'd find someone who took my insurance and so I didn't think I could afford one. When I found my therapist and she agreed to take $50 a session I was relieved. I instantly got a good vibe from her on the phone and I was honest about how I couldn’t afford to pay her regular fee of $200 a session. I've tried many times to rationalize that that's how much therapy typically costs. Many different therapists have told me that their initial evaluation cost $500. I was talking to my friend about this and I said: "they should apologize before they tell you what their rate is for therapy." Do therapist only care about making money? It got me thinking, do therapists only care about making money and not about helping people? From their rates, it seems that way and I’m not sure why they're so expensive. I would assume that psychologists want to help people but that's not always the case. As a therapist when a client comes to you and says they can’t afford your extraordinarily expensive fee it would behoove [...]

By |July 14th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on What’s right with the mental health system?

I’m not making my anxiety up

I wish it wasn't true There are so many days when I wish I didn't have anxiety. I can't count the moments, weeks, months, and years that I wanted to NOT be panicky. There are too many to remember. I've probably forgotten many of them and I'm glad. I'm content not remembering how terrible I felt being out of control of my mind and body. I don't want anything to do with anxiety. If I could put it in the dumpster and set that dumpster on fire, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, I can't get rid of it. Anxiety is a chronic condition I have to manage for the rest of my life. One of my best friends told me that my anxiety baseline is higher than most people's. That means that I am already experiencing a high level of anxious feelings, to begin with, and then on top of that you add panic attacks (when they happen) and it's a recipe for disaster. Anxiety ruins my life over and over again. It barges into my mental house and punches my thoughts in the face. I hate it, but I've learned to recognize when it's coming for the most part. [...]

By |July 12th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m not making my anxiety up

Over the rainbow

Was it over? I couldn’t save us. I don't know what I did wrong. No relationship is only black-and-white. If we look at it realistically, it's a giant beautiful, tragic rainbow. That's what I realized later. After we weren't us anymore, I finally figured out that we aren't two colors but people. Instead of one dimensional, we are 3D, and if we looked at the problems, they weren't problems at all, they were strange puzzles with broken pieces. Now that we're not looking at the jagged edges, I wish we were sitting at the table, trying to glue the pieces together, trying to make sense of it. We don't make sense as much as I wanted us to, we don't. We sat together for 10 years How is it that two people could sit on armchairs side by side for ten years thinking that things were a certain way. We were wrong. You said I was crazy, broken, angry and mean and the more you told me what I was, I believed it. I said you were mean, thoughtless, someone I didn't understand. I thought I knew you, and then you were someone different. When I looked at your face, it was [...]

By |July 11th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Over the rainbow

Do I need therapy?

Once upon a time, I was a vocational rehab counselor at a substance abuse treatment facility. I had a caseload and 50 clients and worked in a substance-abuse treatment facility. I loved working with people who have mental health issues and comorbid diagnoses of substance abuse. However, it was emotionally exhausting, and it was difficult for me (being an empathetic person) to set boundaries so that I didn’t burn out. I love my clients. I love seeing adolescence get sober. I love seeing adults turn from heroin addicts to sober individuals who can function and go on to achieve great things. I was sad when my clients relapse. That’s always a hard thing whether relapse is related to mental health issues or substance-abuse seeing people that you’re working with to get better relapse is painful. In addition to working with clients, I also saw my counselor. Well not really a counselor, a therapist. At the time that I was working in vocational rehabilitation in a residential treatment facility, I was in cognitive behavior therapy. I went to the while Cornell Institute in New York City. My therapist was a graduate student, but she was trained in CBT and showed me [...]

By |June 20th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Do I need therapy?

Sit Down And Take A Break

I'd like to sit down and take a break, talk to someone who cares, wherever they are, online, in "real life," a therapist, a friend, a stranger, a gorilla even. I want someone to "get it." I need to be held tightly. I want to be covered in a blanket. I want someone to make me soup, take the bowl away, let me rest and then wake me up for dessert. I don't have a chance to take a break. I just sit down and pray that the noise stops. Everything is so loud and terrible. I've told you to stop banging the drum so loudly in my ear. It's like you're not listening to me. You probably can't hear me over all the noise. It's not your fault, except that it is your fault. You can turn the volume down, you just choose not to. Why? I told you that I need to say something and you refuse to hear me. I can't scream any louder. The least you can do is to turn the knob down. You won't meet me halfway, talk to me like I matter, eat a sandwich with me. It's not fair, and you know [...]

By |June 19th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Sit Down And Take A Break

Unintentional Asshole Dad Presents – I Hate Electronic Devices For Kids – By Christopher Powers

I hate my kids having electronic devices. I hated them so much that I couldn’t wait for them to get in trouble so I could take them away. Last Christmas, like so many other kids during that time of year, the level of their ungratefulness reached the point where I took their devices away as a punishment. Its now June and they are yet to get them back. Some of my older kids had some assignments that required a computer and I was more than willing to allow them to use their own. I'm very happy to have a house where kids are electronic device (aside from TV) free. 99% of the time when they had them they watched utter garbage like toy reviews or some crap game that provided 0 educational elements I hear all the time, even from a few of their teachers, that I'm doing them a disservice by not allowing them more access to electronic devices. My answer to them? I don't care. What I do care about is that my kids are raised and act the way my wife and I expect them to be and their use of electronic devices wasn’t allowing us to [...]

By |June 19th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , |Comments Off on Unintentional Asshole Dad Presents – I Hate Electronic Devices For Kids – By Christopher Powers

I want my Ph.D. so I can be phenomenal

Will a Ph.D. Make Me More Phenomenal? Recently I applied to Portland State University to get my Ph.D. I was accepted into a program where I can do the prerequisites to achieve this higher level of education. I want my Ph.D. because I know that I am smart enough to get one. I do not want to have a private practice as a psychologist. I’m not sure what I want to do with degree. Perhaps I want to prove that I can achieve this level of academic success. I know that I can do it and once I get my degree my career possibilities will be greater. I’m interested in neuroscience. What the brain can do fascinates me. The idea of neuroplasticity is exciting because our minds can change based upon the experiences that we have. For example, people with PTSD have visible changes in their brains after they experienced trauma. Your brain is not the same after something terrible happens to you. In the same way, your mind can be modified if you go to cognitive behavior therapy. Some studies indicate that CBT has the same efficacy as antidepressants. People’s brain chemistry can change based upon therapeutic modalities that [...]

By |June 14th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I want my Ph.D. so I can be phenomenal

Trolls – Guest Post – By Philip Embrace The Coda @EmbraceTheCoda

Troll is an apt term for the kind of shit-kicking ass clowns who get their jollies by pretending that their brand of incessant, obsessive dumbfuckery is clever or entertaining to anyone other than their own slack-jawed, mouth-breathing cohort of circle jerking morons. Wikipedia highlights of “troll” include that they are “isolated” and “rarely helpful to humans” and this really sums up internet trolls perfectly. In the life cycle of the internet troll, all of their stages are juvenile. It is a fair bet to never trust anyone who confuses being clever and sharp-tongued with being a capslock-on, sophomoric keyboard warrior. Trolling is an art or hobby in the same sense as fingerpainting with your own shit, and it deserves about as much consideration. They try to be as edgy as a rhombicosidodecahedron and it comes across like the bellowing of fatuous mooncalves. There's a time and place to rustle jimmies, but most trolls are just interrupting the adults while they try to talk. Being pedantic while ignoring the intent or spirit of what was said isn’t clever. Basement intellectualism and the veneer of Cheeto dust stained wit they smear across their keyboards, targeted at people trying to have real discussions, [...]

By |June 13th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: |Comments Off on Trolls – Guest Post – By Philip Embrace The Coda @EmbraceTheCoda

Adult Sticker Giveaway

a Rafflecopter giveaway Being an adult is so fucking hard. When you do something awesome nobody cares. So I’ve created these stickers because I care. Collect six out of seven of them and you unlock the ability to purchase an adult merit badge! Enter to win!

By |June 8th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Adult Sticker Giveaway

I Was Emotionally Abused And Some People Didn’t Believe Me

I was emotionally abused. It is difficult for me to admit that because it has a judgmental tone on my relationship, which I don't think is entirely fair to the person I was with. No relationships are black and white. Even if you are with a sociopath, they are still a human being. They might have a deficency in their personalities and not care about being loved. However they are still people who we can feel empathy or compassion for. I was not in a relationship witn a sociopath. This mad had problems just like we all have. However, I don't think it's appropriate to diagnose him here or with friends casually. I'm not his psychiatrist or therapist. I don’t feel comfortable talking about who was abused me. I still love that person and I will always love him. I still have contact with him. If you think you know who it was, you are wrong. Please do not ask me who hurt me. I will not tell you. I feel shame admitting my abuse, but I want others to feel like they can admit they were abused. I don’t want to perpetuate the fact that being abused is morally [...]

By |June 6th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I Was Emotionally Abused And Some People Didn’t Believe Me
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