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Blog2017-08-30T17:30:57-04:00

I’m Trying to Focus

What a day to think about focusing. My brain is all over the place, as it usually is with ADHD. I'm trying to write and I keep getting distracted by all the things I want to do, all the creative endeavors I want to embark upon and can't get accomplished. It's a balance, but when I'm flooded with ideas, I want to see which ones stick. I want to try them out, throw them into the universe and see which ones people want to connect with and want to pay attention to because I never know what will work. But that's not what I need to do. I need to focus on what's in front of me. As much as it hurts my brain I need to do that. Living with ADHD is so challenging. It interferes with my everything, it shows me what I can't do more than what I can. Too often it can leave me feeling down, deficient and like a failure. But, then there are days when my hyperfocus makes me feel like a superhero. I feel like I can do anything, and it's amazing. I write an article at warp speed. The words flow out [...]

By |September 26th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m Trying to Focus

The Box is Open But You Don’t Have to Look At Everything Inside

Down in the dark Imagine you're in the basement and you come across an old worn box. It looks as if it's been there for potentially years. Open the box slowly. You can start by ripping the tape off and look inside. See what's in there and pick one object. It could be an old notebook whose pages are worn. Maybe it's missing the majority of its pages. You know that you should toss it, but there's something nostalgic about it. You want to remember the time you bought it. Then it hits you, an ex-boyfriend gave it to you, and that breakup ended badly. You're struggling to throw the notebook away, but your hands won't do it. I've held that notebook many times, and it was hard for me to let it go. I looked at the yellowed pages and cried, hoping they would show me something, anything, that told me whether to dispose of it or hang on to the thing. Eventually, I threw it out, but sometimes a page whips past me, hits me in the face, and I remember fragments of something that once was. You've opened a box of emotions   When you confront trauma, there [...]

By |September 25th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on The Box is Open But You Don’t Have to Look At Everything Inside

Facing What’s Not Working

Fear I'm terrified right now. I've come to a point where I realize that certain things in my life just aren't working. I've been in denial, fooling myself that I can do everything. But no one can please everyone all the time. The more I try to over-exert myself, the less I get done. The more promises I make where I over-promise, the more pacts I break. I don't want to be this way. Sometimes I have great ideas, and sometimes my thoughts (when I execute them) don't work out. I'm not blaming or shaming myself. Don't get me wrong; I'm not blaming myself or placing all the responsibility on me for choices that don't come to fruition. I'm looking at what causes me pain and attempting to tweak that so that I'm making better decisions than I have in the past. I can't know what the future is going to bring, and there are times where I'll think that something is a smart decision at that moment, but it burns me. I'm not going to blame myself, but instead, take responsibility for my actions. Self-loathing Versus Personal Responsibility I tend to beat myself up, say things like "I hate [...]

By |September 24th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Facing What’s Not Working

What can you learn from how a child plays

What can you learn from how a child plays Talking to himself My son talks to himself when he plays with his Legos. He's been talking to himself while playing since he was small and he still does this at 10. The sound of his voice eases my brain; it's familiar, calming and soothes my mind. It makes me happy to see him engaged and content. He's in his safe place, making his tiny men come to life, and acting out his feelings. We also play together. He loves to strategize and beat me at chess. Lately, he's into playing Stratego and talks about the Napoleonic War, which he learned about by playing the computer game, Roblox. My daughter prefers dramatic play rather than board games. She's got a wild imagination and comes up with wacky ideas on the spot. I love her spontaneity and exuberance. She's adept at creating imaginary scenarios like a pretend hair salon, a fashion show, or movie set. Her dramatic play is a lot of fun and I love the ideas she comes up with. She likes to film videos where we tour her room or where we act out situations with her littlest pet shop [...]

By |September 20th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on What can you learn from how a child plays

Do we speak the same language?

Relationships are Bizarre Relationships are weird. You connect with a person that you see often, and sometimes you're on the same page, while other times, you're reading Emily Dickinson and the other person is reading the Encyclopedia Britannica. Why are people so complicated? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. Sometimes I want to be understood. Is that too much to ask? When you're working hard to get the other person to see your perspective, it's exhausting. It feels like an emotional trip to the gym. I don't like exercising, in case you haven't noticed. But anyway, there are good times. When your partner acknowledges your feelings even if he doesn't agree, that's a win. You see things her way also though you want to punch a wall because you've heard the same argument 800 times, and you want to stop talking about it. These are triumphs when you're with someone you care deeply about, and both of you win. Is it worth it? When things are hard, you may find yourself wondering: is it worth it? Do I stay in this relationship? Only you know the answer to that question. Sometimes love isn't enough to make things work. It [...]

By |September 19th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Do we speak the same language?

You Don’t Have to Understand Your Family – You Can Accept Them With Help

I'm writing this article because I want people to understand how helpful and life-changing family counseling can be. It's not just sitting around talking about feelings with your family; it's finding ways to solve extremely complicated problems. It's beginning to heal relationships that you can't fix without intervention by a trained mental health professional. There's nothing wrong with you if you're having problems remedying a relationship with your parent, sibling or even a grandparent. That's why family counseling exists, and it's an option when can't seem to fix your problems with the ones you love. Family relationships are complicated  Family dynamics are complicated; there's no doubt about that. I've struggled with trying to change people, trying to make others see my way of looking at things. I can point to many instances where I've butted heads with my parents either individually or collectively because they didn't see it "my way." And the truth is, they don't have to see it my way. There are times when they won't see it my way whatsoever, and as much as I try - my dad might be stubborn in his opinion. I might have a point I need my mom to understand but, [...]

By |September 18th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on You Don’t Have to Understand Your Family – You Can Accept Them With Help

I Want to Dispose of My Anger

It's not mine When I wrote the title of this post, I thought "I don't want it to be mine." I'm angry, but I don't want that anger. I don't want anything to do with an emotion that causes people to act unpredictably, say hurtful words, break things, and cause potentially irreparable damage to relationships. When I get angry, I feel ashamed of myself. I consider what I could have done differently. I think about ways to avoid feeling an emotion that pushes me to my limit, frustrates me and hurts. When I'm mad, I don't know what to do with it. There's nothing to do One of the mistakes that I make and many others do as well is trying to fix emotions. Emotions aren't rational, and what you can do is experience them, work through them and find a way to accept what you feel so that it passes. Sadness, anxiety, and anger all feel overpowering to me, and I'd like to reject them as soon as they're a glimmer in my eye. But I can't control what emotions come into my consciousness, all I can control is how I manage them. I hate anger and I want to [...]

By |September 18th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I Want to Dispose of My Anger

I’m a Bipolar Single Mom

I’m a bipolar single mom I’m a bipolar single mom and I’m not crazy. I have two children ages 10 and seven. People have told me all sorts of things about myself. But I know who I am. I’m the CEO of two organizations, a nonprofit for mental illness and an independent publishing company. My kids are my life. I would do anything for them and when my son began showing symptoms of OCD and depression, I dedicated all of my energy to getting him the help that he needed. But I’m crazy, unstable, and a bad mom. No, I’m not. But society tells me that I am those things, and it needs to fucking stop. It begins with you  It starts with you. You, who are reading this, have the power to change these dangerous ideas. I’m not afraid to stand up, sit down, do jumping jacks and say “I have bipolar disorder.” Will you hear me? Will you support me when I utter those words? I need you to stand with me. I want you to listen, but not just listen, talk to others. Tell them that me, and everyone else who has children and lives with mental illness [...]

By |September 4th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I’m a Bipolar Single Mom

Do You Talk About Your Relationship Online?

The world is online. Okay, well, not the earth, but most human beings are using the Internet on a daily basis. Social media has become an integral part of most of our lives and that means having at the minimum a Facebook account. People my age, late 30s, are married and may have kids. The married people try to look objectively happy on Facebook with their photos of Carribean vacations and selfies on the beach. There's a reason they call Facebook "Fakebook," because not everything as is happy is it seems. What goes on behind closed doors is different than what we see online. Some of these couples could genuinely be happy, I'm not that cynical, but there are definitely plenty of people who display a different persona online than who they are in "real life." They know who's watching them and they want to appear as if their life is pristine, they never spill coffee on white items and their marriage is without problems. I call shenanigans! Nobody's relationship is perfect and what's the point in faking it? Fake it to look good for your family There are many people who are overly concerned with their family's perceptions of them. [...]

By |August 30th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Do You Talk About Your Relationship Online?

Anger Isn’t Sexy

I thought anger was bad I used to view anger as a negative emotion. I saw people who were angry as dangerous, volatile, capable of breaking things or hurting others. I didn’t want anything to do with those feelings. I was a good girl; smiling, making everyone feel better. I learned that it's not healthy to suppress anger. When you try to ignore anger, it often transforms into depression, at least it did for me. Being angry felt unpleasant because I saw people who weren’t capable of managing their feelings when it came to anger. When it crept up on me as fresh ration, and that evolves into a rage, I wanted it to go away. I remember crying on my bed in the fetal position wishing I wasn’t mad; I was frustrated with myself because I was angry and I didn’t think I had a right to my feelings. Fighting There were times when my parents fought, and I was scared they were going to get divorced. They didn't, but hearing yelling isn't fun as a kid. Everyone fights and all people get upset with each other. Anger (thankfully) is different than sarcasm. Here's a funny story about my [...]

By |August 28th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on Anger Isn’t Sexy

Fixing Broken Me

I'm not good at fixing things When something was broken, I would ask Wil to fix it. Whether that was the TV, a box, a busted toy or a computer issue. He always knew what to do. I'm not good at fixing things, tangible things, they escape me. I don't understand how people put IKEA furniture together or install a window in a house. I can't figure out how to repair a lop-sided couch. I think you get the point, I suck at fixing things. Broken people Relationships are strong when two people love each other. But when two broken people are in love, it gets complicated. I wanted to fix it, so badly. I wanted to fix all of them. All of the relationships I've broken by being my broken self. I'm good at helping people fix their problems. Sometimes I help them a lot. But for me? I'm so broken. He wanted to marry me, and I broke it off, he wanted to love me and I convinced him I needed too much, he told me he would never leave me and he stayed. No matter how crazy I was, he stayed. But I couldn't because I couldn't [...]

By |August 23rd, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Tags: , , |Comments Off on Fixing Broken Me

I Found Out Life Was Meaningless And Then I Found Myself

Panic When I was 15, I had my first panic attack. I wasn't able to speak or breathe. It happened because I realized that life had no meaning. I thought about how small I was and how the universe was so big, and my heart started racing. I felt like I was going to die. I went down a rabbit hole and tried to figure out why people did their jobs. Life seemed so strange and meaningless. People worked so they could make money and support their families and exist. But there was no point to existence. There was no objective point to being a person. People seemed like these arbitrary robots who worked in offices, coffee shops, or didn't work at all and were homeless. But the people who were doing jobs, they were doing them for no reason, seemingly. I didn't understand them. It was difficult to look around at my peers and not wonder why, why weren't they aware of the paradox of life? They were smiling and laughing, flirting with each other, playing Magic The Gathering and getting drunk. I was sitting on the other side of the lunchroom having an existential crisis. But I didn't [...]

By |August 21st, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I Found Out Life Was Meaningless And Then I Found Myself

I found out what was wrong with me

For as long as I can remember I’ve been questioning what is wrong with me. I felt weird, like a freak, and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I’ve been therapy for years beginning as a teenager. It helped, and it also made me feel more like there’s something off about me. I struggled to pay attention in school. I knew I was smart, but I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to achieve the academic success of my peers in the honors classes that I was taking. I was often in my world daydreaming about a different time, questioning the meaning of life, struggling to pay attention to what was in front of me. I was assigned full-length books read within a couple of weeks. I couldn’t do it because of my brain, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to admit something was wrong with me, so I struggled through academically and instead of addressing the issue I got a slightly lower GPA than I could have achieved had I been evaluated. I avoided subjects that were difficult for me and focus on the ones that I excelled in such as English, algebra and [...]

By |August 20th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on I found out what was wrong with me

How To Take Care of Your Teeth & Improve Well-Being

How To Take Care of Your Teeth & Improve Well-Being Chances are that when you’re grappling with stress and frustration on a regular basis, a lot of it may revolve not around the major issues that pop up every now and then, but the things that constantly irritate us. “Stress can come from any number of sources, whether trauma, difficult family relationships, health issues, or the dialogue in your own head,” explains Michelle Dossett, MD, PhD, an assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School and a staff physician at the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. “Even what we think of as a happy event, like throwing a party, can be stressful.” When there’s so many different ways that you can find yourself stressed out, what can you do to stem the tide? A major part of it is going to be investing in self-care, and ideally, you want to sprinkle it in as often as you do the stimuli that cause you stress. First, it’s important to remember when we’re talking about self-care that it’s not “selfish” to try and set aside time to take care of your needs. In fact, taking [...]

By |August 14th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on How To Take Care of Your Teeth & Improve Well-Being

You’re Not Dying But You Are

I was at the airport I met a woman today at the airport. She said she had MS. She was shaking and on the verge of tears. Water was welling up in her eyes, and she was ready to burst. Something told me that it wasn’t MS. She was going to see a neurologist. I encouraged her to keep her appointment, but I said: “I don’t think this is MS but I’m glad you’re going to get it checked out.” I suspected that the most upsetting symptom she was experiencing was panic. “Right now what’s probably happening is you have severe anxiety,” I asked her if she had MS right this moment, what could she do about it? She said nothing. I said, “then do nothing.” She sighed a huge sigh of relief. I breathed too. I felt her release her body, and her worries. What happened to her next was out of her control. She didn't know what was coming next, nor did I, but we both knew that she let go of the weight, the pressure of feeling like she had to do "something." Her body looked less tense and she sunk into her airport seat ready to talk [...]

By |August 9th, 2018|Categories: Uncategorized|Comments Off on You’re Not Dying But You Are
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