It’s not mine
When I wrote the title of this post, I thought “I don’t want it to be mine.” I’m angry, but I don’t want that anger. I don’t want anything to do with an emotion that causes people to act unpredictably, say hurtful words, break things, and cause potentially irreparable damage to relationships. When I get angry, I feel ashamed of myself. I consider what I could have done differently. I think about ways to avoid feeling an emotion that pushes me to my limit, frustrates me and hurts. When I’m mad, I don’t know what to do with it.
There’s nothing to do
One of the mistakes that I make and many others do as well is trying to fix emotions. Emotions aren’t rational, and what you can do is experience them, work through them and find a way to accept what you feel so that it passes. Sadness, anxiety, and anger all feel overpowering to me, and I’d like to reject them as soon as they’re a glimmer in my eye. But I can’t control what emotions come into my consciousness, all I can control is how I manage them. I hate anger and I want to throw it as far away as possible. I’ll catch the black squiggly ball of rage and pound it like clay into a cohesive ball, throw it as hard as my arm can manage to make it fly. I’m angry and anger. I know that sounds strange, but I resent having to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and being angry makes me feel awful.
How to get the anger out
I struggle with releasing anger. I want to get it out of my mind, body and being but it seems to build up, and I explode. I try to be patient with others to the point where I sometimes sacrifice my needs so that people can feel their feelings. I start to feel resentful when I’m not “allowed” to be angry. . The funny thing is, I’m the one who isn’t allowing myself to feel anger. I’ve spoken a lot about this feeling in therapy and tried to find a balance between feeling enraged and managing my anger in a healthy way. I’ve realized that I have a right to be angry, just like I validate other people’s feelings, my emotions matter. I deserve to feel frustrated and angry.
Love me when I’m angry
I worry about being lovable. One thing that scares me is: am I lovable if I’m angry? I don’t like myself when I get mad, so I can’t conceive of another person loving me when I look as if I’m losing my shit. I’m only allowed to be loved if I’m helpful, attractive, funny or kind. When I’m angry, I’m now allowed to receive love, because I’m not allowed to be loved for displaying an ugly emotion. I know that the people who love me will continue to show that love whether I’m angry or full of joy. Anger isn’t fun for me or the people around me, but it’s something I need to express.
Anger is natural
Anger is a natural reaction to have when events happen that are out of your control. I have a complicated relationship with control. I want to be able to have control over what’s happening around me. When I realize I don’t have control over what’s going on around me, I feel the anger rise in my body, and I struggle not to choke on it. It feels like shards of glass in my mouth, but then I realize that it’s not that, it’s a hard candy that I crunched down on, and I have to find a way to swallow it. I can choose how I react to it, whether that means spitting it out, ignoring it or embracing it, letting it melt in my mouth until I can swallow it.
Learning not to be afraid
I’m learning not to be afraid of the anger and embracing it. It’s scary but I’m doing it. Anger isn’t a monster, and I’m not either.