I’m terrified right now. I’ve come to a point where I realize that certain things in my life just aren’t working. I’ve been in denial, fooling myself that I can do everything. But no one can please everyone all the time. The more I try to over-exert myself, the less I get done. The more promises I make where I over-promise, the more pacts I break. I don’t want to be this way. Sometimes I have great ideas, and sometimes my thoughts (when I execute them) don’t work out.
I’m not blaming or shaming myself.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming myself or placing all the responsibility on me for choices that don’t come to fruition. I’m looking at what causes me pain and attempting to tweak that so that I’m making better decisions than I have in the past. I can’t know what the future is going to bring, and there are times where I’ll think that something is a smart decision at that moment, but it burns me. I’m not going to blame myself, but instead, take responsibility for my actions.
Self-loathing Versus Personal Responsibility
I tend to beat myself up, say things like “I hate myself,” or “why can’t I be like everyone else who knows how to manage their time and money?” So what? I’m struggling with time management and financial issues. That doesn’t make me a terrible person. I don’t have to hate myself, but I can work towards recognizing what needs to change so I don’t suffer, and I don’t negatively impact others.
It starts with me
The problems, these hurdles, and these challenges originate from me. I’m not saying that I’m doing something intentionally wrong, but that I have the power to change what isn’t serving me. It’s scary because I don’t know the answers. That’s okay, I’m seeking ways to solve my problems, and it starts with looking at them head-on. It begins with me gazing at myself in the emotional mirror, and it’s okay if I’m afraid. My feelings are real, and now it’s time to confront them. I’m shaking as I write this. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m at the mercy of ambiguity and walking towards the road to acceptance.
I’ll hold my hand and embrace myself
Have you ever hugged yourself? I have. I comfort the parts me that need that love. In moments of distress, I realize what I need is self-love, compassion from the inside, and understanding where I’m starting from, and what I can do next. It’s about forward motion. Remember the movie “What About Bob?” There’s a humorous scene where he’s talking to himself and says “baby steps to the door,” and everywhere else he needs to go. When I’m having trouble getting myself to start a task or complete something I’m doing, I might slip into self-loathing, but I notice it now. And I’m not staying in that place. I’m mindful of my negative thought patterns, and I’m sitting with them, letting them be there and I’m not fighting them. I’m listening so I can change.
One of the things I struggle with is perfectionism. I try to do everything right, and I can’t. It’s not possible to be perfect, because perfection is a myth. I’ll inevitably disappoint myself and others if I try to be this fictional concept of “perfect,” “not flawed,” “the good girl,” and someone who is infallible. When I make a mistake, I’m going to stop, examine it and try hard to correct it.
I struggle hard with being liked and accepted. Not everyone is going to love me, and that’s okay. I don’t have to get people to be my best friend. I have people in my support system who genuinely care about me, and I care about them. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to get through this challenging time. I’m trying my hardest. And that’s what I can do. I can work on my issues in therapy and face what needs to shift and change. It’s in my hands. That’s scary but empowering.