Never underestimate the power of words to hurt so deeply that you feel like you could die. I have experienced this first hand. Someone says “I was just angry.” And that’s why they said something so hurtful to me. I am not convinced that angry words aren’t truthful. I think that surge of anger gives people the adrenaline so that they can tell the truth. The truth that they otherwise couldn’t come to terms with. Maybe I’m just a judgmental person, but I wish that people could choose their words more carefully before speaking them. When you use words carelessly they injure people sometimes permanently. Today, I have been injured over and over again. I wanted it to stop and yet, it did not stop.
I can’t control the words of others. I can’t make the pain of those words stop or relent. All I can do is nurse my wounds and decide what I am to do with those. It is painful to receive those injuries. It is brutal to believe that I did something to deserve this treatment. I didn’t do anything. I was told that I try so hard to control things, but who doesn’t? I was told that I was unhealthy emotionally, and that’s unfair. I am someone who continually works on herself. Who is anyone to tell me who I am? But then again who am I to tell anyone who THEY are? I am just a person who is suffering right now. My pain is my pain and the scars run deep. They are years and years old. I try so hard to understand other people and it’s not enough.
Why is it then when it comes to me, people turn a blind eye. Why is it that my sensitivity is taken for granted, thrown directly into the garbage without a thought? The consideration I show to others is not reciprocated or acknowledged. To be fair, it’s not every single person, however, it happens to me so much that I cannot count the number of times it has occurred. I probably sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I’m not. I just want to be acknowledged. I want to be validated and that is NOT too much to ask for. I am a human being who has feelings, I breathe air, I want to be loved and respected. But I am wasting my time on people who clearly could not care less about me. I am so exhausted and the funny thing is, these people (when I tell them how I feel) say how sorry I should feel for them. These people I waste my emotional energy on do not have any regard for my feelings. I wish I could explain to you why I continue to invest energy into these sorts of situations. But I cannot.
When I figure it out, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I have to nurse my wounds while no one who hurt me bothers to reach out and ask if I’m all right.