Thoughts Roll In

Lost in thought, wondering how I can find the road back to where I am supposed to go. There’s no supposed to. We enter this world with no instructions and we live according to our brains or our hearts. I admire people who listen to their brain over their heart. I lead with emotions, which gets me into trouble. I’m trying to balance though two things better. Sometimes (often actually) I don’t know what to do about a particular thing and so I turn to my heart and it has a tendency to lead me astray. This happens when my ears are closed. If I could just listen better and not believe what I want to believe. Listen to what people tell me. It’s hard to hear things that hurt sometimes. Unfortunately, you’re not going to like everything you hear. I’m not going to like everything I hear. It’s difficult to proceed when you feel like your feelings aren’t heard, and this happens to me often. I’m sure it isn’t personal and that other people don’t feel heard. I work hard to hear others and I sincerely hope that they reciprocate and listen to my voice.

Sometimes (like now for instance) I am having trouble grabbing the words from inside me and handing them to other people. I worry that the people in question won’t want to hold those words in their hands. I obsess about the possibility that they will drop them on the floor or (even worse) throw my words in the garbage. What’s the point of giving my words to someone who throws them away? I wouldn’t do that to another person on purpose. Sometimes we get angry and we WANT to throw other people’s words (or even the people themselves into the garbage. It’s unlikely that you would actually put another human being into a trash can, but visualizing this happening is a form of catharsis when you’re angry. I’m not even angry anymore.

All I want to do today is work on myself. My brain is so tired though. So very tired and it has actually found an off switch. One of the neurotransmitters reached up high and flipped my mind off. I am so grateful to that neurotransmitter. It is trying to protect my mind from exploding. Anger isn’t always a productive emotion, and though we try hard to make transform it into something that works for us, it inevitably will sneak out of the closet we put it in. It sneaks up like a little red and white elf and pokes you right in the eye. What would you do if someone poked you in the cornea? You’d react poorly I’d imagine. That’s why anger is a trickster and it’s important for us all to be aware of its sneaky ways.

I’m letting my emotions flow through me rather than judging them. I can’t control what I feel, but I can control how I react. I’m trying the best that I can, and that’s what I can do at the moment. Do what you can and the rest will follow.

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