You came to New York on my birthday – 10/17 in 2004. It had to mean something.
It had to be a sign.
People come into your life for a reason and I miss you.
I’ll never stop loving you and my whole body feels like broken glass.
I don’t think you can ever forgive me for how I treated you.
But we were fire and fire together, and it exploded, which was sometimes great and other times overwhelming.
And I blamed everything on you, which became an imbalance in our connection. I can’t take it all back. I can’t make it better. I can’t fix things. I can’t fix us.
But I want to. I love you and those words- they mean something to me. The more you tell me you can’t hear me and Implicitly say I don’t matter, the more I can’t feel my face from crying.
I want to jump in a time machine and go back to 2014. I want to change that day that everything went to shit. I want to tell you I’m sorry, I’ll be more patient. I won’t try to make you talk when you don’t want to. I won’t be afraid of you because you’re not a monster, you’re a human being.
And if I could change it all for the better I would. But I fucked it up, I made it about me when it was about us.
I made it about your shortcomings when I am not perfect, I have things that I am not proud of.
I’m imperfect and scared and I miss you sitting next to me on the couch watching trashy reality TV.
Now we have a new couch that you’ve never sat on and it makes me so fucking sad.
I miss you so much and I want it all back but I can’t reach it. Can you?