Always Unstable Was My Dream
By Meghan Schultz
When I was in school I wanted to be a lot of things, a nurse, an undertaker (weird for a child, I know), a painter, a concert pianist, a writer. But then for a long time I didn’t want to be or do anything. Depression took away my hopes for the future, all of my dreams, all of my drive to try. I thought that I would amount to nothing, that I was useless and couldn’t do anything. I convinced myself of that. I was convinced of that for a very long time. Even during mania, I didn’t have dreams for the future as my dreams and hobbies changed so drastically and so often. But eventually I started to think not so much of the future, but of things I might like to do. And I chose writing. I’ve managed to stick to it through mania and depression. Although each episode changes how I write.
A little over a year ago I started my blog, Always Unstable and I’ve kept with it all this time. I’m so proud of myself for that, I’m also proud that I’ve started something that people actually read and are interested in. And then came the book. I started thinking about writing a book not long after starting my blog but didn’t start it until a couple of months later. It became my dream, to write and publish a book. I could finally dream again. I was on and off with it though. I would work on it obsessively and then not at all for a few weeks. Back and forth it went until March this year when I decided that I HAD to finish it. I was so happy when I finished and printed out the manuscript, it was like my baby.
Next up was trying to get it published. I submitted my manuscript to a bunch of places without ever hearing back. But then that’s what I kind of expected, I’m a novice writer with a low word count memoir. So the next step was self-publishing which my husband had been encouraging me to do the whole time. He did basically all the work for me and now I’m on Amazon! Still waiting on paperbacks though.
So now I’m a published writer, I guess I should tell you all about my amazing book. It’s called Always Unstable: Bipolar and Hospitalisation: A Memoir. You can probably guess by the title that it focuses on my time spent in hospitals. And it does. I have been in psychiatric hospitals five times in the last ten or eleven years in both Australia and the US. For reasons being, a suicide attempt, a mixed bipolar episode, mania/ eating disorder, electroconvulsive therapy, and last but but well…probably not, a psychotic manic episode.
My book is so honest; I don’t hold anything back. My book is my truth. I want you to know what happened, I want you to know what it was like, what it still is like. Don’t get me wrong, there were many times when I questioned whether or not to put something in there but, it went in. All the gnarly details. If it made me feel something, anger, embarrassment, regret, horrible sadness, then it when in. I wrote about addiction, self-harm, extreme dieting, mania, depression and so much more. I put my whole self into this book and I’ve never been prouder of anything else that I’ve done.
I hope that you buy this book. I hope that you enjoy this book. I hope that you get something out of this book. My wish is for the book is to have an impact on even just one person. With even just one person, I would be happy, it would be worth it.
I am 27 years old I’ve been living with mental illness for a very long time, most of my life. I have Bipolar I Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. But that’s not all I am. I am also a writer, a painter, a knitter, and an avid walker. I love the winter time; I love the rain. I also have a constantly growing collection of stuffed animals. I love tattoos. www.alwaysunstable.com